Archives
- 19 July 2007
Jumping Ship - 29 May 2007
Dear Diaryland: An Open Letter of Sincere Apology - 17 May 2007
Aw fuck it - 14 April 2007
I don't even know. - 04 April 2007
You're the right kind of sinner to release my inner fantasy - 24 March 2007
Sex is natural, Sex is fun... - 23 March 2007
I'm baaack..... - 2007-02-15
Alive and (Kinda) Well! - 09 January 2007
"Wake up Maggie I think I got something to say to you..." - 02 January 2007
"She hates her life and what she's done to it" - 28 November 2006
"People on 'ludes should not drive." - 11 November 2006
lakhflsjdglsdmgksdnvljdsfsdkk - 31 October 2006
That's me in the corner,,,that's me in the spotlight... - 24 October 2006
Jackie WHO?!?!? - 14 October 2006
Sailing Through On Your Ship Of Righteousness - 03 October 2006
"Something very itchy is in my future. Sobs and creams, sobs and creams" - 28 September 2006
"Dream it, you fucking dreamers" - 27 September 2006
"Let's kill these bitches" - 19 September 2006
Thirty Six - 14 September 2006
"I'm just a stupid clock playing stupid clock games" - 11 September 2006
Five Years - 08 September 2006
"Welcome to Fuckville. I'm the Mayor." - 06 September 2006
Are You Gonna My Way? - 25 August 2006
Oh! I'm! The! Cult! Of! Personality! - 21 August 2006
Yay. Monday. - 17 August 2006
Dammit his timing is impeccable. - 15 August 2006
Remind me never to stop drinking again - 08 August 2006
"Every group has a Karen and she's ALWAYS a bag of douche". - 03 August 2006
"It's not that easy, Kim, all my CDs are in his truck" - 02 August 2006
I don't even care, I don't even like jelly. - 28 July 2006
"Where's my jacket? I wanna get out of here" - 28 July 2006
"Where's my jacket? I wanna get out of here" - 25 July 2006
Uterus Update - 24 July 2006
The Hozone - 21 July 2006
Cut The Shit - 20 July 2006
One morning, I woke up and I knew you were really gone... - 16 July 2006
And now for something completely different... - 13 July 2006
Blended families are for the fucking birds - 11 July 2006
If you could read my mind, love... - 07 July 2006
Whoopee Fuckin Doo. - 27 June 2006
Fucking parental controls - 23 June 2006
I'm out, yo. - 22 June 2006
Time Fucking Flies - 19 June 2006
Bitching, bitching and! More bitching. - 15 June 2006
"You know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today" - 12 June 2006
"Should we talk about the weather? Should we talk about the government?" - 12 June 2006
"Hello - 08 June 2006
"I'm about to have a nervous breakdown, my head really hurts... - 06 June 2006
Beavis has a GF?!? - 06 June 2006
I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and doggone it, people like me. - 05 June 2006
You think you're so illustrious, you call yourself intense - 01 June 2006
"Spank me and call me Shirley" - 31 May 2006
"Tone down the mane a little, Skid Row" - 29 May 2006
"Large fry, mothafucka!" - 24 May 2006
Now You're Messing With A Son of a Bitch. - 17 May 2006
Oh that first line indicates a Hub Rant. - 16 May 2006
Kiss me Granny, I'd love to get me some of the gray beaver! - 11 May 2006
"Nobody puts baby in a corner" - 10 May 2006
A cigarette pressed between her lips but I'm staring at her tits it's the wrong way - 09 May 2006
The bitch is back - 28 April 2006
"Coffee makes me nervous when I drink it. Mmm. " - 25 April 2006
"oh boy we are the biggest wacked out pyschos in the whole world" - 20 April 2006
"I like them French fried potaters" - 19 April 2006
"I saw you two boys stranded alone in the darkness and I said to myself, WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?!?" - 18 April 2006
"In the fifth, my ass goes down" - 13 April 2006
"She whined, "What have you done for me *lately*, Eddie?" I was like..."*Bitch*! You was butt-naked on a zebra last month!" - 10 April 2006
Photographic Evidence of Debauchery - 10 April 2006
"Back in '82, I used to be able to throw a pigskin a quarter mile. " - 06 April 2006
How My Dream Marriage Came To Be - 04 April 2006
No Gross Shit Today - 03 April 2006
Because - 30 March 2006
"I thought you killed yourself. That wasn't you? " - 29 March 2006
See the waterfall here. Only without water. - 28 March 2006
"To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. " - 22 March 2006
"Don't touch that dial. And, if your TV has a dial, go buy a new one." - 21 March 2006
"My life is a soiled tattered tissue, tossed into the toilet of life. What will I do know? " - 17 March 2006
Now, you've got a corpse in a car, minus a head, in a garage. Take me to it. - 15 March 2006
"The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here!" - 09 March 2006
"I'm a fuggin' idiot. I'm a fuggin' idiot. Fuggin' idiot, fuggin' idiot, fuggin' idiot... " - 08 March 2006
An Angry, Unapologetic, Unashamed Liberal Rant (Conservatives, you'll want to skip this) - 06 March 2006
"The Israelites! The tribes of Israel are about to flee from the banks of Egypt! Hallelujah! " - 06 March 2006
It's a tragedy of Elizabethan proportions. - 04 March 2006
I saw your face and that's the last I've seen of my heart - 02 March 2006
O Brother, Where Art Thou? - 28 February 2006
"You get a goddamn job before sundown, or we're shipping you off to military school with the goddamn Finkelstein-shit kid! Son of a bitch! " - 27 February 2006
"Ooh, great job man! I really thought you were retarded. I mean, you're better than that Corky kid and he's actually retarded. If there was a retarded Oscar you would win, hands down, kick his ass! " - 24 February 2006
"Come on, please. If I was going to get you coke we would've gone to the fucking high school football practice. We would've been rolling five hours ago. " - 23 February 2006
"By the way, it says BALLS on your face" - 21 February 2006
"I'm okay with being unimpressive. I sleep better." - 20 February 2006
"Oh... guys? Don't stay in here all day. I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector; it was beeping all night." - 17 February 2006
"How many pots have you smoken?" - 15 February 2006
"Marijuana is not a drug. I used to suck dick for coke. Now that's an addiction. You ever suck some dick for marijuana? " - 10 February 2006
"I may not have had sex, but I can fuck you up! " - 09 February 2006
"I'm ripping your head off right now. It's off, and *now* I'm throwing it at your body". - 07 February 2006
"You have a rainbow bumpersticker on your car that says 'I love it when *balls* are in my face'"."That's *gay*?" - 03 February 2006
"As we sit here and idly chat, there are women, female human beings, rolling around in strange beds with strange men, and we are making money from that." "Is this a great country or what?" - 02 February 2006
�What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered?� - 28 January 2006
"Oh, Hattie, yah. Thank you. Now I know what name to put on the restraining order" - 25 January 2006
I do believe Marsellus Wallace, my husband, your boss, told you to take ME out and do WHATEVER I WANTED. Now I wanna dance, I wanna win. I want that trophy, so dance good. - 25 January 2006
New, improved, revised and condensed: - 21 January 2006
Fucking with teenagers - 21 January 2006
See You Next Tuesday! (as in, c-u...) - 20 January 2006
FUCK OFF ASSHOLES - 19 January 2006
"You have sunk below the deepest layer of prehistoric frog shit at the bottom of a New Jersey scum swamp." - 18 January 2006
"I don't hate the truth. It's facts I'm not a fan of." - 17 January 2006
"Like any good newsman, I believe that if you're not scared, I'm not doing my job". - 15 January 2006
Remember when he threw the blanket on top of the furnace? And left it? - 13 January 2006
"I just have this chemical imbalance almost like an allergy to alcohol. It just makes me crazy!" - 12 January 2006
"Warning. Assholes are closer than they appear". - 11 January 2006
Salvation � la mode and a cup of tea - 10 January 2006
"We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly." - 09 January 2006
Fuck Buddies - 06 January 2006
"This pretentious ponderous collection of religious rock psalms is enough to prompt the question, 'What day did the Lord create Spinal Tap, and couldn't he have rested on that day too?'" - 05 January 2006
"What is it about good sex that makes me have to crap? You really jarred something loose tiger." - 04 January 2006
"I've tried it on, like, 20 Oompa Loompahs and each one ended up as a blueberry. It's just weird! " - 03 January 2006
"MUMBLER!!! I can't hear a word you're saying" - 30 December 2005
"Look, look we had a scuba, we drink some white wine, we talk about life and we cannot help it. It is like love at first sight. She make like the fire in my trouser. " - 29 December 2005
Another bummer, but this one has a picture, at least. - 28 December 2005
Very Lame Holiday Update. Just so you know. - 23 December 2005
"I'm fucking crawling out of my skin. I should've left you at the flea market". - 22 December 2005
"I'm erasing you and I'm happy!" - 20 December 2005
"Just do it or I'll light my hair on fire and start punching myself in the face! " - 19 December 2005
"No. I quit drinking weeks ago! No one noticed, but I guess that's a pretty good indicator that I conducted myself quite well when I was drunk. But this isn't about me right now". - 16 December 2005
Are you reeling in the years, stowing away the time? - 14 December 2005
It's ugly, folks. I apologize in advance. - 13 December 2005
Beavis Update - 12 December 2005
Well, you have to remember that when we were married, I wasn't having sex nearly as often as you were. - 10 December 2005
I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and *speeding*! - 2005-12-08
full circle with a chickpea - 08 December 2005
"I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round, you know I love to watch them roll...." - 06 December 2005
"I refuse to play your Chinese food mind games! " - 04 December 2005
Jackie's Sunday Rant - 02 December 2005
Oh, it's all Butthead and Hilda. Only, Butthead's stuff is funny. - 01 December 2005
For Moz - 01 December 2005
"I still masturbate to Pam. What? She's hot - check out those boobs. I just wanna lather 'em up with soap and rub my face in 'em. I could take a vacation in there. What? Gosh, sorry you're perfect!" - 30 November 2005
�All right, enough with this "Ray" shit! You can call me Dad, that's my name, Dad. Or Mr. Ferrier... it's a bit weird, but I can deal with that� - 29 November 2005
Dubbelyoo-tea-eff!!! - 22 November 2005
"I tried to fart and a little shit came out. I just sharted". - 21 November 2005
"We're all put to the test... but it never comes in the form or at the point we would prefer, does it? " - 18 November 2005
"It's frickin' freezing in here, Mr. Bigglesworth" - 17 November 2005
"Kumar! Still in jail, asshole! Come here!" - 16 November 2005
"The foosa are always annoying us by trespassing, interuppting our parties, ripping our limbs off..." - 14 November 2005
I know it isn't true I know it isn't true, Love is just a lie made to make you blue - 12 November 2005
"Lumbergh's gonna have me work on Saturday. I can tell already. I'm gonna end up doin' it, because, uh..because I'm a big pussy... which is why I work at Initech to begin with". - 10 November 2005
Not if anything to say about it, I have. At an end your rule is. And not short enough it was. - 09 November 2005
"Just the other night I was sleeping under a bridge and now here I am on the grandest ship in the world having champagne with you fine people". - 07 November 2005
"An accident? An accident? Do you realize it's snowing in my room goddammit! " - 2005-11-04
"Get Busy Living, or Get Busy Dying." - 03 November 2005
Drinking Survey That I Stole - 02 November 2005
Hey! I have never had any complaints in the poonani odor department! - 01 November 2005
Yeah, it was a dick move on my part. That's why I'm paying for your meal. - 27 October 2005
"Yeah, that's right, or we'll tie you to a tree, fuck you in the ass while we jerk you off. Show you what we really do to perverts around here." - 26 October 2005
You fuckin' tree-hugger. IS THIS YOUR SPECIAL BUSH? - 24 October 2005
"You know what it feels like when newspapers call you the boss of a sister fucker? The whole damn town thinks I'm runnin' a "sisterfuckeria." - 21 October 2005
"The bus is outta control. So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus." - 20 October 2005
"What the heck are you guys doin'? Tryin' to ruin my life and make me look like a freakin' idiot?" - 19 October 2005
"Sometimes I got so bored of trying to touch her breast that I would try to touch her between her legs. It was like trying to borrow a dollar, getting turned down, and asking for 50 grand instead." - 17 October 2005
"So why did I do it? I could offer a million answers - all false. The truth is that I'm a bad person." - 14 October 2005
"Oh well, alright, let's all sell our souls and work for Satan because it's more convenient that way. " - 12 October 2005
"Lose it? I didn't lose it. It's not like, "Whoops! Where'd my job go?" I QUIT. Someone pass me the asparagus." - 11 October 2005
"My job consists of basically masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men's room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that doesn't so closely resemble Hell." - 07 October 2005
"Let's just say if I had an ass, I'd wipe it with twenties" - 06 October 2005
"How am I funny, like a clown? What is so funny about me? What the FUCK is so funny about me? Tell me. Tell me what's funny". - 05 October 2005
"Are those fricken' sharks with fricken' laser beams attached to their fricken' heads?" - 04 October 2005
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my submarine lair. It's long, hard and full of seaman!" - 30 September 2005
In which we learn that the world is very small. Discuss. - 29 September 2005
"Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter." - 28 September 2005
"'My friend! My friend!' You big crybaby. Go bury him in the yard before he stinks up the place." - 23 September 2005
"How you like me now?! Huh? How you like me now, fishie? Oh, yeah, that's right you can't talk - cause you don't have a head!" - 22 September 2005
"Who wants first reach-around?" - 21 September 2005
"I can bitch the best at your social dues, I get high in the evening sniffing pots of glue" - 19 September 2005
Eat meat on a Friday, that's alright, I even like steak on a Saturday night" - 16 September 2005
It's a little bit funny... - 14 September 2005
"Marijuana is not a drug. I used to suck dick for coke. Now that's an addiction. You ever suck some dick for marijuana?" - 13 September 2005
"It's like your Aunt Edna's ass. It goes on forever and it's just as frightening". - 12 September 2005
"You can have my college money. And my social security, Chet". - 08 September 2005
"Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you" - 07 September 2005
"We will now use the power of the Continuum Transfunctioner to banish you to Hoboken, New Jersey" - 06 September 2005
"All right, remember - alcohol equals puke equals smelly mess equals nobody likes you!" - 06 September 2005
Katrina You Bitch - 02 September 2005
"Yes we really want to hurt you. Yes we really want to make you cry. Yes we really want to shoot you. Yes we really want to make you DIE". - 01 September 2005
"In other news the Prime Minister of Sweden visited Washington today and my tiny little nipples went to France". - 31 August 2005
"You must have eaten, like, a hundred bucks worth of pot, and, like, 30 bucks worth of shrooms man". - 30 August 2005
"Bus stop wet day she's there I say please share my umbrella" - 29 August 2005
And then I'm gonna come back there and put my foot in your ass if you say "and then" again! - 25 August 2005
�Don�t smoke MY weed� - 24 August 2005
Diary Maintenance & A Meme - 23 August 2005
So needless to say I'm odds and ends But that's me stumbling away Slowly learning that life is OK - 22 August 2005
"PC Load Letter"? What the fuck does that mean? - 19 August 2005
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. - 17 August 2005
Dirty Pop - 15 August 2005
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MICKEY!!!! - 11 August 2005
"My name is Zarnoff. This is Zabu, Zellnor, Zelbor, Zelmina, and, uh, Jeff". - 10 August 2005
"Well, I touched Christy Boner's hoo-hoo, were on the hook for two hundred thousand dollars to a transsexual stripper, and my car's gone. I'd say we were pretty wasted". - 09 August 2005
"Don't threaten me Al! You're out of shape, I'll kick your arse". - 08 August 2005
PICTURE PAGES! PICTURE PAGES! - 08 August 2005
"Now let's cut the stupid cake because I know the fat guy's gonna have a heart attack if we don't eat again soon. And while we do that here's a little mood music for you". - 05 August 2005
"Oh, here it is. Bratislava. Hmm. Capital of Slovakia. Oh, here's a fun fact: You made out with your sister, man! " - 03 August 2005
"I'm speechless. I have no speech". - 02 August 2005
"I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of muppets" - 01 August 2005
"But they had a French name. It gave them a certain Je ne sais quoi, a certain savoir faire, a certain d�tante. A certain... cul-de-sac, a certain... Jacques Chirac. A certain... pomme de terre. A certain vie de la Dordogne. Fuck it".
November- December 2003
January-April 2004
May-July 2004
August-October 2004
November-December 2004
Jnuary 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005