Yes, I am still pissed.
Yes, I am pissed at him. Still. I keep thinking about the other night and it infuriates me.
Granted, he knows nothing of using hallucinogens and doesn�t have a clue as to the effect that the people around you can have on you. And if he did know, things may have been better that night. Maybe. I don�t know.
I had two other bad trips in my life. All on LSD, and both worse than the other night.
The first time, and definitely the worst one, I was 18. I had just seen my boyfriend of 6 months off to jail for 7 days (dumb driving shit) and went out with friends. We decided to dose and go to a party. I was already feeling a bit tweaky when we got to the party. Two guys kept hitting on me, and I wasn�t into it. They wouldn�t leave me alone, it got scary. It seemed like they were like bugs, calling my name from places I couldn�t see them. I finally had to leave, but even that was a hassle. But I finally got home, after crying like I had the other night, and sat up all night watching the posters on my wall breathe. That wasn�t fun, but it was better than being at that party.
The second time, I was living in western NY. I�d already been pretty stressed out about my missing period, but that wasn�t excuse enough for me to refuse a hit. I was hanging out with a bunch of my hippie friends, and one had a buddy along who was home from Penn State, �Kenny�. Kenny was drunk, and I always had a hard time dealing with drunks when I was on acid. Unless they were tripping too. This guy wasn�t. And he was annoying as hell. He was probably looking to hook up with me or my friends. We were not interested. He kept apologizing for everything. �I�m sorry I�m so drunk�, �I�m sorry I�m talking too much�, �I�m sorry if I�m bothering you�. It was getting so irritating, and I wasn�t a big fan of being irritated on that shit. One of my girlfriends said, �Dude, you do not need to apologize for everything�. His response? �I�m sorry I keep apologizing�. I wanted to crack his fucking head. I started tweaking and just had to leave. I couldn�t stand it.
I decided the next morning, NO MORE ACID, EVER. Shortly thereafter, it became a harsh reality that I was indeed pregnant with Beavis. I worried all through that pregnancy about the health of the baby due to my acid usage. That hadn�t been the only time, I�d probably tripped 6 or 7 times in the few weeks leading to the discovery of my pregnancy (at least three times in the first few days I was pregnant). Yeah, I was a big acidhead at that time. And all I�d read about LSD�s effects on unborn babies was CHROMOSONAL DEFECTS, and I thought my baby would have two heads or flippers or something. He turned out perfect and was the healthiest of all my kids. Aside from his ADHD, which can be attributed to genetics, as it runs in both families. But there�s nothing wrong with his brain or anything. Well. I mean, he�s a smart kid, it�s the teenage thing that�s making him retarded, I think.
I only dabbled in acid one more time, about 5 years later. Smokey and I split a hit and did half each. It was fun, a nice light trip. Other than that, I may have done mushrooms at roughly the same time, but I�ve mainly steered clear of that type of drug. For the obvious reasons.
Anyway, back to Hub. I still haven�t spoken much to him about the other night, except that last night he was saying how I was bitching about Rhonda and the band. And I said, �Oh, that�s all?� . And he said, �Yeah�. So I said, �Well, how would you feel all by yourself down there watching stupid karaoke waiting for me, while I was upstairs having fun and could give a shit about you?�. Of course, in his infinite inability to empathize with me even in the smallest way, he didn�t get it, and I dropped the subject right away.
I feel like a piece of shit. And of course now I�m getting the ass kissing. �I love you so much, I don�t know what my life would be without you, BLAH BLAH BLAH YADA YADA YADA blas� bullshit�. Yeah, sure. But it didn�t stop you from fucking avoiding me all night then getting rid of me when it became too much of a hassle and coming home and fucking me and then leaving me again. Yeah, you fucking love me so much.
I don�t know. It really changed things for me. Or maybe it opened my eyes. Opened them wider than they already were.
I still have a lot to work out cuz of this.
Anyway. This is difficult to write with Beavis and Hub hovering, not to mention the extra little rugrats I�ve got hanging out.
Sayonara!