"Gary, by the way, why are we wearing bras on our heads?"

No update yesterday. Were you worried about me? You better have been, goddammit.

You know who I�m worried about? Cookie . If you click that link, you�ll see that she�s gone. And I�m sad. Because some people (using the term loosely here, folks) suck royally. Fuckers. I�m assuming that�s why. If you�re reading this, Cookie, I�m going to send you an email (me and everyone else right?) sometime today. Your diary reminded me so much of me when I was in my 20�s and being a new mom.

It�s so easy for me to say now, �don�t let those people who criticize you get to you�, but ten or so years ago, getting comments criticizing my mothering got to me, too, and I took it so personally. Now I don�t care. You don�t like that I swear in front of my kids? That I drink in front of them? Fuck you. Call fucking DCYF. That used to be my biggest fear, that I�d get my kid taken away from me, but now I know differently. Call them, I�ll invite them to come over whenever! I�ve learned a lot in my old age.

Anyway. I didn�t update yesterday because my pal Smokey, the computerless wonder, has become a myspace addict (he�s �Eric� in my friends, if you�re curious) and has been using my computer to surf it. For hours. So, he showed up yesterday with a nice bone to share and hopped on the net. I used the opportunity to deal with household chores. Then I thought I might be able to update later in the afternoon, then the sun came out, and then I thought maybe last night I could, haha yeah right, and it just didn�t happen.

Funny too that Smokey met Krissie P in person on Monday too. (He loved you, btw). So did Hub. Who also commented on how nice Krissie and Nate were, and opened his mind a bit about this meeting people on the internet thing. Yey! But, I feel like George Costanza. Worlds are colliding! If Diaryland Jackie meets Real Life Jackie, she could destroy me. Not really. I don�t remember that bit exactly, about �Relationship George�. So I guess it doesn�t make much sense, right?

I�m happy with our current out of pot situation. It has done wonders for my motivation, and I�ve gotten more shit done in the past three days than I have for weeks. I think I�m going to try smoking OP�s for a while.

Lately, things with Hub have gotten better. I mentioned that before, right? The end of the book �She�s Come Undone� really had a lesson for me in it, when Mr. Pucci dies of AIDS and tells Dolores to accept people�s love, just accept it. And I started thinking about our problems, and how I was so stressed starting the business, and money was such a big part of it, business wise and with our own personal situation, that I seriously wanted out. And how, this marriage business is something that really needs to be worked on constantly. And it�s never easy. But whoever made up the concept really knew what they were doing. And it�s too bad that it�s not respected more�that when the going gets tough, the not so tough just bail out. Sometimes it�s necessary, but not always. I�m going to work on this commitment. He�s not perfect, he�s far from it, but neither am I. And so he can�t spell good, and he�s got his head up his ass half the time, his temper can be scary at times (you know, those two times in the past five years) and his judgment needs work, but he�s not that bad.

Anyway, we were all lovey dovey last night when I got home (still at 4 pounds over goal, but maintaining that! I really thought I�d gained 5 lbs), then he mentions a clean-up that he did two or so weeks ago that hasn�t been billed out. A $1600 job, that he didn�t get � up front for either. It hasn�t been billed out because I was completely unaware of it. I flipped. I lectured him like a kid almost, about keeping track of shit and getting � up front (he interrupted me on this, and said the whole job was just labor, to which I said, �Whatever! At least if you get half up front, you�re guaranteed getting paid that half�). We have a ridiculous amount of money in overdue invoices right now. I let him know about that, too.

See, the amazing thing about all this? He LISTENED to me. He didn�t get mad and yell and give me excuses, well, he tried, but I was like an old memere, �I don�t want to hear your excuses, excuses are bullshit�. He did try the �I�m sorry� road again, and I went off about that, too, how those words no longer carry any meaning with me, that all they do is make my blood boil. He listened to me . He tried to say that he can�t do this next year, he just can�t�and I said no. No, you can, you just need to communicate more.

I know how it feels to be overwhelmed by all this. I am. Some things are so hard for me, cuz I don�t know them. Like dealing with the IRS. Yeah, read the instruction booklet. Maybe with some Ritalin so I can pay attention to all that mumbo-jumbo. But, I did it. I�ll learn as I go and hopefully not fuck up too much. I know enough to pay them every month, though.

We�ve decided to pull the big desk calendar out of the office, where we rarely are, and put it in the bedroom and go over everything up there, either first thing am or at night. We are always guaranteed to meet up there, so why not?

I�m getting way to used to being self-employed. For the past month, our business has supported us (supplemented by my child support and babysitting a little bit). I just gave myself a raise, because I felt I deserved it. I pay myself 40 hours a week, even though I work about 20. Fuck it, I�m the boss, as long as the business can afford it, I�m doing it. I don�t have to pay daycare, and that fucking rocks the shit out of my socks. So, I�m thinking, let�s just go with this for all it�s worth. We don�t quit the business unless we fold. He�s coming around, he really is. He�ll get it.

Yeah, and then yesterday the phone rang and it was The Douchebag, aka, �Esther�, aka Helen. Together, her and I went over the summer visitation schedule for Daisy. Hub is entitled to have her every other week during the summer, but the past two years, with all the court shit, it has been handled by lawyers and has been the biggest pain in the ass. I�ve been telling Hub to talk to her about it, but the two of them can�t communicate. I can tell him the same exact thing she would and get a totally different reaction out of him. So, my olive branch presentation last summer has finally had the results I was hoping for. I�m the mediator, and that�s okay with me. It keeps the tension down and the girl happy. That�s what counts.

And I talked to Hub�s lawyer Jeanne yesterday too, regarding wills. First, I don�t need a lawyer to do so, you can hook up the forms online, it�s just really important to have it signed, witnessed, notarized and executed properly. She also went over that the state of NH will in all cases automatically transfer custody to the surviving biological parent. Then I explained that if Dick were to contest it, it wouldn�t be difficult to prove him unfit. Now I just need to go over this with my dad. I don�t know how he�s going to take it, I know he�ll hem and haw, but I�m not giving him much of a choice. I mean, I really am going to stick to Plan A, which is not die, but you always need a Plan B. Besides, he�s looking at retirement in the next 7-10 years. He�s not the type to sit around and do nothing, and what better way to keep busy than to raise my kids? Not that I�m going to die. Just in case.

I really need to get my arse in gear. I�ve still got two wonderful hours before little motherfuckers (I mean precious children of other people) start showing up. I�ve got some business related errands to run and some new plants to plant in the yard. You wish you were me, just admit it.

Adios!

Listening to: The Stroke. Yeah.

Currently reading: Nothing.

Thinking about: Getting it all done.