"Number eighteen in 1988, Charlie Babbitt squeezed and pulled and hurt my neck in 1988".
Second entry today. Read no further if you haven�t already read my previous entry, or this one will make no sense to you.
I will be the first to admit that I am a complete and total retard. This would explain why I married a fellow complete and total retard. I�m okay with this admission. Ten years ago, I wouldn�t have been, but in my old age I�ve become more comfortable accepting myself for who I am.
I know, I know you are dying to know why I am a retard. Allow me to share.
When you get software, Quickbooks, for example, and they give you an �installation key code�, this is the number that you should enter when prompted. The registration number and serial numbers will not do. Even if the serial numbers fit perfectly into the little boxes provided.
Because, when you put in, for example, the serial number, it will only install so far and then cancel set-up. After you bang your head against the wall and figure that the only solution is to go out and spend $199.99 on a new disk, you have Tostito�s Hint of Lime tortilla chips and salsa for lunch and allow yourself a cookie (because, after all, you�ve lost another pound and are now only two pounds over goal for the first time in months) and you chill out a bit. And then you think, �Hey, maybe, before I open this new software, I�ll try that number on the back of the original box�.
And then it works, and there�s all your stuff, just like you left it. All your invoices, all your payroll info, all your checking account info.
And then you think, �Retard�. And so you call your husband and say, �I got QB to work and I�m a big retard�. And he agrees.
Thus begins the better part of my day. I really think it was the cookie, though. Delicious Shaw�s bakery cookies that Andrea�s grandmother brought over with the kids. Thank you, Memere!
The whole retard thing reminds me of this incident Smokey had back in like 1993. He was at his buddy Phil�s apartment (Phil the smoking hot one that I slept with a few times) and they were having a little party.
One of Phil�s roommates was this dude Jay, who was really messed up. So messed up you had to feel bad for him, because you can tell he has not one thread of self esteem at all and his parents must have treated him like dogshit as a kid.
Anyway, Smokey was in the living room, laughing (at no one in particular, mind you) and having a good time with Phil and Company. All of a sudden, Jay�s foot comes out through his bedroom door (literally, right through the wood) and he�s yelling and screaming about people frontin� on him (his words). He mistakenly thought that Smokey was laughing at him.
So he�s throwing a fucking huge temper tantrum about Smokey laughing at him, and the one quote I always remember was when he said this:
�Every morning, when I wake up, I look in the mirror and tell myself, �I AM NOT A RETARD!!!��.
It�s pretty bad when you have to remind yourself of that every day. Fuck it, every morning I wake up and remind myself that I am a retard just so that I don�t get conceited or anything.
I wasn�t there that night, but Smokey and I have quoted that line to each other ever since. I just texted that to Smokey�s phone, btw. I�ll bet he�s laughing right now.
He is. He just called, he said it made his day. Smokey�s quote of the day, while talking about an old mutual friend: �You know you look rough when junkies say you look rough�. Amen.
Anyway, I'm not so much of a retard that I opened the new QB, so I can go and return it. And look into the Mac Mini, too Azelya .
Anyway, out I go.
Bye bye from the Retard.