No Gross Shit Today

Allow me to complain about The Shit That Really Matters, my day to day life. But for no other reason that it�s a fucking laugh a minute, folks. I swear, if I had written his entry a mere few hours ago, it would have been fucking hilarious.

Speaking of hilarious, that is Mickey�s new favorite word. Everything is �hilarious�. And his pronunciation makes it ten times even more better, with his five year old over-pronunciation AND his little lisp. So cute. On April Fool�s, I told him that he had to go to school all day that day, even if it was Saturday. He looked at me like I was serious for about a second and then said, �Mom that was such a hilarious joke!�. One day, dropping him off for school, his friend was sitting in his car making funny faces. Mickey started laughing at him, saying, �Sean�s doing all kinds of hilarious things!�.

It�s cute. I love that kid. (And getting back to April Fool�s? I did so many to the kids that eventually, they stopped believing me for the day, even when I was serious. But no one got me).

Anyway, yeah, onto the shit that will give me my ulcers. Things with the business are getting busy. Hub is trying to finish the waterfall job and get his cleanups and fertilizing started. He�s getting calls left and right, is trying to organize prices and shit, trying to work with me on getting a schedule of sorts going�needless to say, he�s a tad busy right now.

When Hub gets busy like this, he gets overwhelmed. When he gets overwhelmed, he turns into a retard. Now that I know this, I can understand it better, but that doesn�t mean that I don�t want to rip his head off sometimes.

Example: Hub has two doctors that are customers. One�s an orthodontist in town, who recently retired and handed his practice over to his partner. So, Hub has a new name to remember. Let�s call her Dr Tee. The other doctor is a very prominent doctor in Nashua, Dr Gee, and Hub does his lawn at his home.

So, this morning, Dr Tee�s office called when Hub was out, and I relayed the message. Then, shortly after, we were talking about the fertilizing and he mentioned he needed to check with Dr Gee and see if he wanted it done this year.

Then, in the midst of it all, Hub�s personal dentist, Dr Pee called. Hub answered, and said, �Oh yeah! I was just going to call you. I can meet you at 1:30 today.�. Pause. �Yeah, for the cleanup. You called earlier�. Pause. �The spring clean up�. Pause. �Oh, my cleaning! No, I won�t be there, money�s really tight right now�.

I couldn�t help but pounce. Damn fool. I was like, �Um, you see why sometimes details are important?!?�.

But then it went on. He went to call Dr Tee�s office, and he was supposed to ask for Cheryl. Cheryl is the woman he ALWAYS deals with over there, as a matter of fact, Cheryl�s son Ryan worked for Hub for a while last year.

He called there and asked for Tammy. I was like, �Where does it say Tammy on that message?�. He pointed to Dr Tee�s last name, which is actually TODD, how the hell do you get Tammy out of Todd and why? When the message clearly says: �Call Cheryl at Dr Todd�s office�. Cheryl that you�ve known for over a year now?

That�s when I realized, Hub�s in overwhelmed retard mode. Beware of head in butt.

Of course, that was AFTER we had an all out war about the fertilizer schedule. He does this Seven Step Fertilizer Program. It starts in April and goes though October and is supposed to make your lawn all pretty and shit. It�s most likely all chemicals that if I knew more about them, I might not like them much. I think that because he�s said stuff to people like, �Don�t let your dogs on the lawn for X amount of days or the fertilizer will kill them�. Oh, sounds so great for the environment. But, I�ll deal with that eventually. Hub swears it�s environmentally safe but poisonous enough to kill a dog? Sounds sketchy to me. But that�s me. And I digress.

Last year, he successfully administered the program to a few customers, but the organization of it wasn�t so great. I tried, but not being familiar with the products and shit, and when he was doing them, made it kinda tough. A simple project I�ve wanted to do for a while is to organize this, to make his job and my job easier.

Well, first thing this AM was out of the question, cuz he couldn�t remember half of the products names. So, off to a rocking fucking start. He went to see his buddy that he gets his shit from and got the breakdown.

Onto more banging my head against the wall. I want to put this down on the calendar in order and organize it. This means I want things in 1-2-3 order. Ie; 1) Fertilizer in April 2) Crabgrass control in May, etc. Simple, in chronological order. I�m simple minded, that�s how I want it.

This Is how he started giving it to me: �1) Crabgrass in April 2) Broadleaf weed control after five weeks 3) Fertilizer in April 4) Grub control second week of June 5) Grub control also in April�. HELLO?!? How is that chronological order? You�re all over the effing place.

I try to tell him, I want 1-2-3 order. What�s first, second, third, etc. I don�t want to start at number two, then go to three, then to one, then to ten, back to four, etc etc , ya know? WTF.

So I left. He didn�t get it, he thought I wasn�t getting it (�Will you let me talk?!?�. No, I won�t. You are talking like a dumb ass, and I can�t stand it), and we were butting heads big time. I should have known his head was up his ass then, I should have smelled the shit.

I went upstairs and watched last night�s Colbert on DVR. Meanwhile, he sat down and wrote it all down for me. In order! I could even read it.

He and I really can�t work together. I am too focused on having the details correct, which to me just isn�t that hard, but to him is impossible. His focus is on completely ignoring the details. Firsts second last, what difference does it make! Let�s just go through life like our ass exploded everywhere. Fuck it!

It�s like shoveling shit against the tide. (Oh! That reminds me about Denise. Did I ever write about Denise? I worked with her back in �95 and �96 at the dry cleaners. It was a small branch and we worked together alone all day. She was older than me, back then I was in my mid-twenties and she was about my dad�s age, roughly 50-ish. When we first met, I thought she was this prissy, quiet, church going older woman. That lasted, oh, maybe a week. Then I discovered that Denise was as foul mouthed as they come and evil in a funny way. She cracked me up. I never used the word �motherfucker� before I knew Denise. She always said shit like �shoveling shit against the tide�. She had some great ones. She had this Swedish sister in law who was born in Sweden, but had lived in the US for like thirty years or something, but she would always say stuff like, �How you people say?� when she was looking for a word. One Thanksgiving SIL said �How you people say?� at the dinner table and Denise lost it, �HOW YOU PEOPLE SAY FUCKING ASSHOLE! GODDAMMIT HEIDI YOU�VE BEEN IN THE COUNTRY FOR THIRTY FUCKING YEARS I THINK YOU KNOW THE LANGUAGE BY NOW!�. No one said anything except Denise�s husband who said, quietly, �That wasn�t very nice, Denise�. See, ten years later and I remember that story cuz it was funny as hell to me. Denise�s phone number was one digit different than a local suicide hotline and she�d get calls for them sometimes and counsel them. Not as a joke, but because she thought that they were despondent enough to call the hotline, what would happen If she said they had the wrong number? Hee hee, this one guy �Charlie� used to deliver the clothes over from the main plant and he was a piece of work. Picture a short, fat Roy Orbison. With no teeth and a huge bulge in his pants, which we thought was stuffed with socks but found out from a reliable source that the man actually had elephantitis of the nuts. When we had a lot of clothes to deliver, he�d come in and say, �I�ve got a big load for you today, girls!� and Denise and I would crack the fuck up every. Damn. Time. And we�d say it all day long. I Haven�t seen Denise since like 1997, even though I found a girl, Amy, who worked at the cleaners for a while, on myspace and she�s seen her. Denise was a very large woman who�d started losing weight in �97 and evidently ahs kept it off. She was so funny, but also a major bitch at times). Longest digression ever.

I try to be laid back, I really do. I try to let this shit go on account of it�s pettiness. But, it ain�t going anywhere. It goes on the back burner where it simmers up real nice. Into a nice pot of Explosion Soup. Then the least little trigger (like Hub�s inability to start at the beginning and work his way to the end) sets it off. Today is a perfect example.

OMG, then my landlord came over to get the rent and dropped a big bomb on us. His wife and he are splitting up again. They did this a couple of years ago, after my landlord confessed to his wife that he�d cheated on her like four years before. Why, I don�t know, I mean, ya got away with it for four years. Anyway, he lived over the border in Dracut for a while and the divorce was going through and then they got back together. He said today, �It�s just not working out� which I took to mean, �She is too much of a bitch to live with�. Because she is. Bitch city. If Bitch was a flavor, we could call it Sharon and it would taste like crusty old ass. With horseradish.

Anyway, this is juicy! And the landlord is NEVER shy with details. He was telling us about who was gonna get what, and he�s keeping this place, so we�re all set, etc etc. But Hub! Kept butting in and changing the subject and all I could think was WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP! Who cares If Roger across the street hasn�t paid his plow bill yet, it�s not the landlord�s problem, and you can just call that guy anyway. Plus he was just going to say something interesting YOU ASS.

I love the man, I really do. Why, I don�t know, but I�m stuck with him. He just drives me insane when he gets like this. He�s not always like this, but he doesn�t handle pressure well evidently. It�s not THAT bad. He could be like Dick and when the pressure�s on, hit the crack house and spend all our money. And then come home and be all jealous and violent and controlling. Yeah. I�ll take the retard. As much as it makes me INSANE.

I gotta go get Beavis at school. He stayed after to see a presentation by a man who survived the Holocaust. He didn�t HAVE to, he WANTED to. The boy loves to learn about WWII and I think that�s so great. He said he was going to leave early when the late bus leaves, but I told him I�d pick him up so he could stay for the whole thing.

Oh, and goody, Mickey just puked. After three days of Minnie being sick with Mysterious Puking and Damn Near Dehydration Disease (did I mention that?), she�s getting better and now he�s hurling. Great.

I need more paper towels.

I�m out.

Listening to: "I'm your vehicle" by who! Who! Is it Blood Sweat and Tears, or the band that I always get confused with BS&T?

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