Well, hello!

I never know how to start these things. I suppose I should start out with pardon my poor Diaryland template, I will be working on getting another one. But for now, I just want to get started.

I'm going to be vague about some details of my life. My intent is for this to be a bare-all, deep dark secret kinda diary. On the outside, my life probably seems kind of run of the mill. Work, kids, marriage, yada yada yada...but it's not so simple. It's like a fucking soap opera most of the time, and my favorite saying is "I'm telling you I can't make this shit up". And there's all the things that go through my head. I'm a bad girl--in my head.

I'm in my early to mid thirties. I'm married, happily (but at times I do have my doubts...), the children are a variety of mine and his although none are ours together. There's a bunch of them and they range in age from 15 to 3. Not all of his live with us, but "some" do. I work full time at a financial institution, a job that's been becoming a significant source of stress for me. On top of kids and work, and the fact that we are a struggling working family, I've got my husband.

I have to state this up front. I love my husband with all my heart. He's a good man. He's a wonderful provider, works his ass off, he's a good father, he's a devoted husband and just basically a decent guy. He's also incredibly talented in the sack. I will never cheat on him or hurt him ever, although I do fantasize about other men and I do plan on writing about that, there is no way I'll cheat on him. The thing with my husband is...well, one of his buddies described him best when he called him "Black Cloud". He comes with a bunch of baggage, which I knew from the beginning. I knew about the kids and the ex-wives (and one of them is a real fucking treat, we refer to her as "The Douchebag" between ourselves). I knew he's not quite the sharpest tool in the shed, but he's not stupid. The thing with Hubby's baggage is that it just keeps growing. He has an ongoing custody battle with The Douchebag that's nasty and will have lasted over a year by the time it's over, his first ex-wife started some bullshit about a month ago over one of their kids who was living with us, who was in cahoots with her, and that child had not been gone even two weeks and that drama had finally subsided and then he goes and gets injured at work, fucking up an eye but good. It's one thing after another with him and he's worth it, but sometimes I get very frustrated.

I really should be seeing a professional and take some kind of anti-depressant, anti-anxiety medications, but instead I self medicate by smoking pot and popping clonipins (pins provided to me by a dear friend and co-worker I'll call The Pharmacist). Nobody's perfect, and I'll be the first to admit that I'm not.

I've been finding myself fantasizing about other men more frequently lately, I think it may be just a reaction to the stress in my life lately. I love men, I love to talk to them and flirt with them, I always have. I spent most of my twenties single and I had the opportunity to sample more than my share. Good times. I think I should mention here that since last January, I've lost 70+ pounds and I'm now looking better than I have since I was in my twenties. The men are noticing me a lot more and flirting. I enjoy it a lot. I fantasize about having sex with the ones I'm attracted to. At work I interact with a lot of men. One in particular the past few weeks has my panties in a bunch. His name is Sergio (I'm not even going to change it, I find it so damn sexy) and I believe he's Hispanic but I'm not sure exactly from where (I like to know that kind of stuff, I totally groove on the Hispanic community. I work with some Spanish women and we have a large Hispanic clientele at work and I love to learn Spanish shit). I would venture to guess Ecuador, but I very well could be wrong and besides it's neither here nor there. This guy is not especially good-looking, but not unattractive either. Kind of short for me, too. But his manner, the way he carries himself, and he's got this sexy deep voice and an incredible accent...my gosh I'm making myself moist! I had the opportunity to speak with him at work today as he's applying for a loan, and he said my name--jeez, you'd think I'm in fucking junior high school, huh? Anyway, I've been thinking about this man all day. And not that I would do anything with him even if I could. But, damn. Sergio. Mmmmmmm...

And there's one other object of my desire lately. Totally forbidden fruit. One of my husband's buddies from wayback--as a matter of fact, the one who refers to Hubby as "Black Cloud". I won't use his real name...I'll call him Vinny. Vinny's a big guy, 6 foot something, over 300 pounds, nothing special to look at but again not unattractive. He's Italian and has that self confident type of personality. The personality is what does it for him, he is a riot. One of those people it's just fun to be around, even doing nothing. He's got a longtime girlfriend (5+ years) and I love her to death. Last night, I fell asleep thinking about being with Vinny and even dreamt about sleeping with him.

As much as I fantasize about other men, I doubt I could find anyone as sexually satisfying as Hubby. He's a very generous and energetic lover, and he may not be very articulate but he's good with his mouth in other ways. And like I mentioned earlier, I've had my share of men and not very many were generous although a few were. But still not as good as Hubby. In fact, he insists that the doctors are telling him that part of his treatment is to eat pussy as much as possible. You can see why I know I'll never cheat on him, because I'm not giving up the sex. I know how rare a man like him is, and if his goal in life is to do that every hour on the hour, then I'll just have to accomodate him. =-p

Well, I think this is long enough. I'm going to fuck around with the diary, yo.

Listening to:

Currently reading:

Thinking about: