Oh Jealousy

Report cards have come out, and as a result, we�ve got two grounded young men in the house. This is nothing new to Butthead, who gets grounded every time report cards come out. Beavis knew it was coming, so he hasn�t been a dickhead about it, and it�s his first time.

Butthead is loving it, though. He was all smiles last night at din, wanting to know all the details of Beavis�s groundation (I know that�s not a word, spellchecker, but deal with it). Hub was telling him, �mind your own business� and the kid says, �I�ve been grounded every report card since I�ve lived here! It�s nice to finally have company! I love it!�.

We took the PS2 away from Beavis. That smarts. And here�s a secret: Our DVD player in our room is busted. So, last night, Hub hooked up the PS2 in our room and we watched porn on it.

We have no respect. I won�t even go into what we did with Beavis�s digital camera over the summer.

Anyway. I read something yesterday that brought my time with Dick back to me. Actually a couple of things. One was a Dear Abby (I love Dear Abby, I�ve read almost every column since freakin� 1981) about signs of an abusive person. She listed 15 points. I could attribute 12 of them to Dick. And she first published that particular in 1996, one year before I hooked up with him.

Let me just say that I was not, nor ever have been, a �battered woman�. Things did get physical a few times, especially at the end, but I�m a scrapper. I can handle myself. If he put his hands on me, I�d fight back. Mostly, his abuse was verbal and psychological.

The signs were all there, right in front of my face, from the git-go. I chose to ignore them. Why? Partly inexperience but mostly, I was blinded by the sex. Seriously. Eddie Murphy said that thing about making a girl go �oooooooooooooooooooooo� and you�ll have her for life. There�s some truth to that. (Yes, I can relate anything in life to Eddie Murphy�s old comedy bits or an episode of Seinfeld. Pop culture queen of the 80�s and 90�s, that�s me).

I met Dick through mutual friends. He was really good-looking, but I could tell he was sketchy. And I could also tell he had the hots for me, but for the first few months I knew him, I stayed away. This was in �97, just after I came off of a two year sex drought. Over that summer, Dick was working construction and started to look really hot. His hair was bleached blonde by the sun, he was tan and his body was ripped, six-pack and all. He wore these cut-off shorts, faded Levi�s, and usually nothing else. He had my attention. Not too mention that his nickname amongst our friends was �D�, short for �donger�, as an ex-girlfriend of his had relayed the information that he was hung like a horse.

So, I got interested in Dick for nothing else but sex, and I was expecting a nice summer fling. Well, he made me do that �ooooooooo� thing with absolutely no coaching from me whatsoever, and his cock was everything his ex had described.

Things went pretty quickly from there. We were living together after like 3 months. We were �in love�. *retch*.

The jealousy started early, like after a month or two. I�d never had a jealous boyfriend before, and I didn�t know how devastating it could be. It was horrible.

I couldn�t so much as talk to another guy without him flipping out. My friend Smokey, who I�ve been friends with since I was 18, was one of Dick�s favorite targets. I MUST have been doing him, because men and women absolutely could not be friends (however, he had friends that were girls, and that was okay, because they were fat and he wasn�t into that--bear in mind that when I first met him I was 40 lbs overweight and only got bigger during the duration).

There was one guy, �Ken�, who hung out with our gang. He was my age (Dick is 5 years older than me), fairly good-looking, and single. Not my type, however. I�d talk to him, keeping it as safe as possible, but Dick would give me massive amounts of shit over Ken. His theory was that if I wasn�t with Dick, I�d be with Ken, and that bothered him. No rationality at all.

He accused me of having fucked everyone. Here�s a humorous aside: Before I got together with Dick, I�d had this really hot fling with a guy named Mike. It was just sex, that�s all, and it was great. He was going through a break-up with his girlfriend so any kind of relationship was out of the question, and that was cool with me. Well, when I hooked up with Dick, I cooled it with Mike. But Mike would still come by sometimes to buy some pot (I sold some back then to supplement my habit and my income). Mike was the only one who Dick did not accuse me of fucking. He even told me, �I know you�d never be with that guy Mike, so I�m not worried about him�. Retard. He accused me of having been with everyone that I wasn�t with, but the one I was with, he didn�t.

Oh, and then he read my paper diaries! The ones from when I was 21-24, pre-sex drought. There some great hook-ups in there, and the asshole read them all. That�s when I should have ended it. But I didn�t. Still blinded by the sex. Fool. I even had a LIST in there. You know, �the list�. Every guy I�d had sex with since I was 15 years old. It was long, and I ain�t giving out the number here. (My favorite listings were like this �#5-punk nose ring guy from bar in Boston�, �#8-Matt something�. I�ve said before, I was a tramp. I used protection, mostly out of fear of getting pregnant, but I was always worried about STDs, too, which I never got, btw).

That just legitimized his jealousy. I mean, I worked 8-5. I had a little kid (Beavis was 6 at the time). If I wasn�t at work, I was with Dick. But he believed I could still pull it off, I had a 45 minute lunch break that he felt I could use to cheat on him. And if I did groceries, if I took 5 minutes longer than my allotted time, I was cheating on him. I�d come in with a trunk full of groceries, but I was cheating on him with that extra 5 minutes. (Me and his ex had a great laugh about that after I broke up with him, as he did the same shit to her regarding grocery time). I was timed for everything.

One time, I had the afternoon off and spent it with Beavis. I was driving home and saw Dick on the way, so we pulled over on the side of the road. Well, he came up yelling at me, �Where are you going? Why are you here? That�s it, you�re CAUGHT!�. That�s all I had to do, drive down the road, and he�d accuse me of cheating. And by that time, I was like 65 lbs overweight and looked horrible, but it didn�t stop him.

I gave up a lot of friends. It was just easier than listening to his shit. I gave up myself.

It was no way to live. Constantly being accused of wrongdoing when you haven�t done anything wrong, having your past thrown in your face all the time.

March 2, 2000. Independence Day. I still celebrate it. That�s the day I got rid of him, and my life has only gotten better since.

Doesn�t it seem an awful waste of time, constantly being jealous? I�ve not a jealous bone in my body. I like allowing my husband to flirt with other women. He�s a natural flirt, and he does it well. It�s fun. He knows I do, too. This summer, we went out to a bar with friends, and my girlfriend and I left for a while to transport her son around. While we were gone, Hub bumped into a newly divorced, very successful buddy of his. His buddy was hanging out with a bunch of girls, and Hub sat with them while we were gone. He had a blast. When I got back, he fessed up. I was jealous, yeah, because when was I going to have my opportunity to sit with a table full of guys!

Hub has told me that if I ever cheated on him, he would leave me. I don�t find things that cut and dry. If he cheated on me it wouldn�t be grounds for break up. I mean, if it was chronic and happened a lot, well, yeah, but an indiscretion or two? Big fucking deal. I�m sure it would hurt, but I�d get over it. We�re human. But, I�m not going to spend my time and energy worrying about shit that may or may not happen.

I�d never put up with that type of jealousy from someone ever again. Even if I did cheat, I wouldn�t put up with it. It was a horrible way to live. I feel very sorry for Dick�s current girlfriend, if he�s still with her, and if she ever needed someone to relate to, I�d be there for her. I can only imagine the hell he puts her through.

This is a woman who had an affair with my girlfriend Gina�s first husband (and she was married herself at the time), which broke that marriage up. Gina wanted me to tell Dick about that, to get back at her, but I wouldn�t. I wouldn�t inflict that kind of hell on my worst enemy. The woman is pretty skanky, but she�s never done anything to me.

Anyway. I got to get my ass in gear.

Ciao.

PS: Here are the before and after weight loss pics I never deleted. SInce I mentioned my weight recently. And cuz I'm so darned proud of my new ass. Oh, and those pants (from the skinny pic) are too baggy for me to wear now.

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