The Hatfields and the McCoys (aka Hub's Family)
I got a nice surprise yesterday morning when the kid I was expecting at 8:00 am ended up staying home with Dad. That left me free of other people�s kids until 12:30. Wonderful! Seeing as I had a million things to do, it was the perfect opportunity to go out and do my favorite chore, grocery shopping! Yey! Of course, I got that done and a nice headstart on the laundry, but I wasn�t able to do the dland thing as much as usual and didn�t write my usual weekday morning update.
This entry is going to be about Hub�s family. He got a phone call last night from one of his aunts. I�ll call her Aunt Bunny (she could pass for a Bigfoot). Anyway, Aunt Bunny is married to my mother-in-law Millie�s brother (Uncle Gus!). She wanted Hub to help straighten out some shit between Millie and a couple of Hub�s sisters, Tina (the drunk one) and Lily (the bitchy one). This week, while my father in law Phil was in the hospital with pneumonia (not the same smoking hot Phil that I wrote about the entry before last, I just happened to flub and forget that while I used hot Phil�s real first name, I had already designated that name for my father in law. But I digress), I guess Millie got called by both Tina and Lily. Neither of them have a really harmonious relationship with Millie, to put it lightly, and the girls weren�t nice to her on the phone.
So, Millie was all bent out of shape and cried to Aunt Bunny and Aunt Bunny wanted Hub to see if he could talk to Tina and Lily. Hub was all set with that and told Aunt Bunny that he couldn�t do that as he stays out of all the drama in the family.
My husband�s family is absolutely fascinating to me. There was a time in my life that I actually thought my family was fucked up, but we�re really normal compared to Hub�s. The drama that surrounds his family is incredible. I love it. They just love to twist shit around and make everything so much worse than it is. The fighting, the drinking, the incessant breeding, it�s great! And they dwell on the past like you wouldn�t believe. And what a past it is. Millie, while she has now found God and is all fucking goody-goody, was quite a piece of work back in the day. You want to talk about skeletons in the closet? Shit, her closet filled up by the time she was 20 and she couldn�t even hide them skeletons. (More Eddie Murphy: �You know she got skeletons in her closet when she opens her mouth and bones come flying out at you�).
Millie had ten kids. Ten kids. If that isn�t enough, here�s more. She did it in 13 years. How about being pregnant non-stop for 13 years? More? All by the time she was 31 years old. Oh but of course, there�s more. Ten kids with three different last names, for she had three husbands in that time.
(It amazes me that she could have been pregnant and given birth 10 times. She is so whiny it�s pathetic. She bitches about all of her aches and pains to no end. How on earth did she survive 10 pregnancies, I want to know. I�d also like to know how any one who knows her survived her pregnancies).
The first set were three boys. Let�s call them �The Hatfields�. The second set were five, two boys and three girls, �The McCoys�. The last set is Tina and Hub. No nickname for them. (Tina is a whole 10 months older than Hub. I can�t imagine even having sex in the first month after giving birth, never mind getting knocked up again, but fuck it after 9 what�s the fucking difference, right?)
Now, I said Millie had three husbands in that time. I did not say three baby daddies. The only two who�s real sperm-spitting bio-dad is unquestionable are Hub and Tina. They are also the only two sibs who look alike. The last names of the other sibs mainly have to do with whatever last name Millie was sportin� at the time and not necessarily an indicator of their parental lineage.
I�d heard rumors about this and have noticed the lack of resemblance amongst the sibs. Then, when Hub�s oldest bro, Preacher Brother Bill (Hatfield), was here in October, I overheard him talking to Minnie about his dad, and how he left when he was a baby. Which could make it maybe possible that the second Hatfield is the child of the same father, but definitely not the third.
And Millie told another brother, the youngest McCoy, that she really didn�t know who his real father is. Imagine that!
I guess Millie had herself one heck of a drinking problem back in the day. Hub barely remembers her ever being around, she was always at the bar. He and Tina were taken care of by two of the McCoy sisters (Lily and Tara) while they were growing up.
I�m just amazed by how many kids this woman had. I�ve asked Hub about it a million times. How can you just crank out that many kids? When I got pregnant for my third kid, I got a lot of grief about birth control and blah blah blah. Ya think after, oh, I don�t know, 5 or 6, someone might have said something to her. Hub thinks it was fairly commonplace where Millie was from (which I�m confused, I think she was from Maine originally, then moved to Vermont, but I could be wrong. I know Maine and Vermont were involved. Same difference. If you�re from New England, you know Maine and Vermont have reputations for being northern redneck hick strongholds. Not to say that everyone from either state is an inbred hick, as I know many fine individuals from both states, but it�s great to make fun of them).
Between Millie�s drinking problem and her men, and then her marriage to Hub�s bio-dad (which was awful, the girls were all sexually abused and he was also physically abusive to the boys), it caused some hard feelings in the family. Lily hates her mother and does not hide it. She�s very bitter (but she�s cool as shit, too, I am the only of Hub�s wives to actually get along with her). And Tina is a mess because of her upbringing. And she�s got one hell of a drinking problem (this coming from me, the lush). Hub�s sister Tara isn�t bitter, but she is totally surrounded by drama. She�s got four kids of her own, three girls and a boy. The oldest girl is a crackhead and is currently running from the law, and Tara raises her two kids, a four year old and a brand new baby. Her youngest daughter (18 years old) has a two year old and one on the way, both from her boyfriend, who is my age (34). She has one daughter who�s beautiful and smart and in college (a misfit not only for Tara�s immediate family, but in the entire family), and her son is only 10 so he�s not giving her grief yet.
Millie�s saving grace has been her husband Phil, who she married when Hub was about 10-ish, give or take. He�s a good man, and what the heck he ever saw in her I�ll never figure out. But it�s been good with the family. Most of the sibs take Phil�s side when they have problems. They think Millie does him wrong. And she definitely doesn�t appreciate what she�s got in him. Yes, he�s grumpy. He�s also like 75 years old and still works full time to pay off the mortgage on the house, which they never should have had in the first place, because they paid cash for their land and built the house themselves (oh, that�s right, Phil and the boys built it), but Millie�s had it mortgaged more than once. (See, I even kind of join in with the sibs on this one). But here�s a man who had one kid of his own, and married a woman with 10 damn kids and quite a questionable past. And took care of them, the ones that were still in the home at the time, which was like 8. His influence shows in Hub a great deal. Hub thinks of Phil as his father more than his bio. As a matter mcfact, when Hub�s bio died last year, Hub checked with Phil to see if it was okay with him to go to the funeral. Of course Phil encouraged him to go. I got so worried about him when I heard he was in the hospital, seeing as pneumonia was what killed my mom and my grandfather (of course, they were both very ill to begin with, and Phil is not). I�d have paid a visit, except they live two friggin hours away (a fact which makes me happy as far as Millie is concerned!)
Man, and I made mention of the incessant breeding. Holy crap, I have never seen anything like it. I have been with Hub for four and a half years and in that time at least 9 babies (it could be more, I didn�t do a thorough count) have been born between his sibs and nieces and nephews. And there�s currently two on the way! And they start early, too, by age 18. Now, Lily�s oldest son just turned 21 and has no kids, and I�ve pointed out to Lily that he is an abomination to the family, which she took as the compliment I meant it to be. And most everyone has at least 3 kids (although 4 of Hub�s bros and one sis have 4), with the exception of Lily who had two. I�m talking nieces and nephews, as he�s got one nephew who�s 22 and just had a third (well, his wife was the one who did the hard part).
Unbelievable. I love to watch drama, and there�s always some going on with the Hatfields and the McCoys and Co. As much as I like to watch, I try to steer clear of involving myself in it. Hub as well, but he�s had his share too. He pretends not to like his problems, but I think he truly enjoys it. He�s a product of his raisin�, after all.
Well, I�m off. Ta-ta!