Yeah, I'm a mess. I'll admit it.

FINALLY! A few spare moments. Another crazy morning. Snow, snow, snow and three kiddies sent outside at 8:00 am to sled down the hill, back in at 9:00 with wet clothes and looking for hot cocoa. Then Rayanne came in to drop off her kid, but she was way early so we chatted for a bit. Oh, and I had to share this thing with Beavis, who is home today because of the snow.

I want my own fucking computer and that�s that. I hate sharing this thing. A laptop, preferably. What do they go for?

So, things have returned to status quo. Somewhat. I cannot bear to live in hostility so I�m getting along with him. But this weekend and Monday night definitely changed things for me, things that have already been changing, as evidenced by certain entries in recent months. My mindset is in another place altogether.

So much. I still love him, for the most part, but I think the respect is gone. He�s not a monster in the way that Dick was, but Monday night was bullshit. If he doesn�t want to listen to me, fine. Whatever. If he thinks he can force me to talk, he�s wrong. If it weren�t for the kids, I�d be gone. If it weren�t for that pathetic side of me that would feel bad for hurting him, I�d be gone. Honestly, while I could go on with my life well without him, albeit not with the same lifestyle, he would have a hard time. Very hard. He couldn�t run the business without me. Sure, he could hire someone to do what I do, but I could see him hiring crappy help. And as far as keeping a roof over his head and keeping up with the bills, he�d fail miserably. And he�d be involved with another woman rather quickly and get himself into the same predicament he�s been in before.

But it gets so complicated with marriage and kids. Especially when our respective kids are doing so well with each of us. My little ones think he�s Daddy. Minnie remembers Dick, but still considers Hub Daddy, and Mickey is very bonded with Hub as a father, as he�s been there since he was born. I can�t just take that away from them, not yet, unless they saw him do what he did to me the other night. And I love Daisy and Butthead dearly. Just as much as my own. I can see why so many couples stay together for the sake of the kids. And right now, I feel staying together for their sake is better than not. Things are not THAT bad at this point. And I am aware that things can escalate, and likely will. I�ll bide my time.

However, I decided to do more for ME. Being a wife and mother, there�s not much for me. Maybe that sounds selfish, but it�s how I feel. I give a lot of myself, I take care of all these folks, and what�s my outlet? This computer, and I even have to share that. I want more of a social life. This includes men. Maybe I�m a horrible person for thinking so, but that�s the way it is. Hub opened up a wall of opportunity the other night when he said he�d give me more space to go out and be with friends. Oh yeah. �Friends�. I�ve got the perfect cover with Smokey, and he�ll back me up on it too.

Do I really think he�d leave me if he caught me cheating? No. Things�d suck royally and he�d probably never trust me again, but I don�t think he�d give this up. But who knows. The trick is not getting caught.

I�ve been looking for ways to meet people online aside from d-land. My d-land buds rule, I�ve said it before, but y�all are all over the fucking country. The closest one to me is in Rhode Island. Yahoo chat is horrible, I hate it. I�m all set with dudes who just want to cyber, especially the freaking Middle eastern men (not that I�m being racist, and I don�t think they�re all al-qaeda, I�m just really all set with that scene). And no fucking way am I putting a personal up. Then I went searching yahoo groups, and that�s frickin� insanity, man. A billion groups to choose from. Oy vey!

Then, it was like fucking fate. I got an invite Tuesday to join a new group for people in New England looking to meet others. It just sounded cool. And you can join by invite only. Well, that could not have come at a better time. And wouldn�t my honest post to the group have made me one of the most popular kids in the group. My email is exploding. I�ve been referred to as a MILF!!! More than once!!! That is the coolest shit ever. I�ve gotten some cool responses. Especially the moderator. He lives in the city next to my town, just moved up from down south a year ago. Oh, how I love Southern men. That accent, their charm and chivalry (is that the right word), which is bullshit for the most part but works for me! And from his pics he is smoking fucking hot, and from our emails so far, he�s got a personality like mine. And although he�s single, he�s busy and can�t commit to anything more than friends with benefits, which is right up my alley. So we�ll see where that goes.

And boys from Cali (SD area) looking to visit the area will not be discouraged. In fact, they will be encouraged. I could so totally hook it up. Seriously.

Maybe I�m selfish and wrong and not thinking through the repercussions of my evil ways, but I�m taking care of number one now. And I won�t apologize for it.

And another thing. When this marriage is over, I am never, never, never getting married again. This shit is not for me. As much as I love having someone sleeping next to me every night, having sex being so convenient, having a partner to help me through, I�m never doing it again. I think, at heart, I was meant to be single. Who knows.

I don�t know. It�s a confusing time for me right now. I�m a fucking mess. Not like a crying sad mess, just a mess. Yeah, I could use some serious counseling, but with no health insurance, it ain�t happening. Not at $100 a session.

Anyhoo, that�s enough for now. I�ve got to make lunch and sift through the gazillion emails in my hotmail.

Sincerely,

The Insane Adulterous Selfish Mess.

Listening to: I have no idea. Something about Mr. DJ and get on the floor. No, not Madonna.

Currently reading: "The Bone Collector" Jeffery Deaver

Thinking about: OOOH! The moderator is now online! Whoo!