The Infidelity Bug bit, but I think I found the antidote. Guilt.
I have considered putting this in a private entry due to the subject nature, but I won�t for now. It may so happen, one of these days (when I have a ton of time on my hands) that I might lock up any and all entries of mine with any reference to cheating in it. But that�s a big maybe. I�ve been tossing the idea for this entry in my head for a few weeks, and finally wrote it out. It�s a long one. Most of you will probably just skim it. Whatever. I would too.
It�s amazing how things can change within just a few months time. Out of boredom yesterday (because WTF was up with dland? Monday is just as bad as the weekends sometimes, man!), I read through some older entries.
New Year�s was a tough time in the old marital world for me. I emerged from it ready to cheat on Hub. If you believe what Dear Abby says, which for the most part I do, then technically, my little online indiscretions ARE cheating. But it didn�t go much further than that, and for that, I suppose, I am grateful. Only because, I�m sure now, that I couldn�t handle the guilt.
I have three different friends who have cheated on their husbands, all for seemingly different reasons. Some understandable, some not. These are friends that I write about here. I won�t, for the sake of their privacy, even refer to them here by the nicknames I�ve given them.
Friend #1 has been married to her husband for about 12 years, give or take. This is a couple that had gotten together in the beginning for the sake of sex only, and somehow or another ended up married and having a child together. #1 works full time and her income is close to what her husband makes, and she is also the primary caregiver of their child. Clearly a woman who is pulling her weight around the house.
Friend #1 has also gained a significant amount of weight over the course of the marriage, I�d guesstimate 75 to 100 lbs. (Spellchecker says �guesstimate� is a word? Who knew?). They no longer have sex frequently anymore, the sex frequency if the past few years has been once every two months, if that. This is not due to #1, it is the husband. He says he cannot do it with her due to her weight, but also uses �I�m tired� a lot too. #1 continued to beg for sex on a regular basis and it caused a lot of fights between them. Finally, several years ago, she gave up. She told him she was going to look elsewhere for her satisfaction.
And so she did. With his best friend, his brother, and even new husband of his ex-wife. All very casual, brief encounters. As far as #1 knows, he doesn�t know. Why don�t they split up? Neither want to. They own a house and have a child. Being that the husband is divorced and he was a part time father to his first child (who ended being a serious mess), he does not want his second child raised that way. He is adamant they do not get divorced, and she goes along with this.
Of course, their kid is a mess, too. Product of his environment. I think some people just chose to live in misery because it suits them. Friend #1 and her husband are a classic example of this.
Friend #2 and her husband have been together since they were teenagers, and both are in their early 40�s now. Holy fucking longtime. They have several children. Friend #2 has worked off and on during the course of their relationship, lately more on than off, since the kids are older now, but she had plenty of time being a stay home mom. Friend #2�s husband is the type of guy you want for a husband. He�s hardworking and takes excellent care of #2 and their family. He�s always been pawing all over her and they have plenty of sex. However, he does like to spend time with the boys and that has been her biggest complaint about him, he�s never around on the weekends if there�s a race or a football game, and he�s always going to the bar for happy hour (but he�s home by like 7 the latest, this guy is not out all night). And most times, she�s invited to go, but refuses.
I know #2 has cheated more than the two affairs that I know about. The first one that I know about, that I saw firsthand, was with another woman, a very open lesbian, that she worked with. That went on for a year or so. In #2�s words, the other woman gave her orgasms like she�d never had before. The second affair was with a man she worked with a few years later. That went on until he got hauled off to jail. It wasn�t helped by the fact that he sent her a pretty graphic letter from jail, which was intercepted and read by her husband.
This is clearly a case of a crappy wife. Why don�t they split up? Well, #2 wouldn�t stand a chance of supporting herself without her husband. Her reasons are primarily financial. His reasons? I think he�s biding his time. I�ve heard from the boys that he has an account set up that he�s been saving up money in and once the youngest kid turns 18, he�s planning on taking off. I heard Hawaii. And I don�t think he�s cheated on her at all. If he did, it was long, long ago.
I had a tough time when #2 told me about her affairs. I debated telling her husband, who is a friend also. But he was aware, both times. Her and the lesbian were the talk of all our mutual friends for the duration of the affair. And the dude? Her husband knew before he got that letter. He just chose to ignore it. She might have gotten away with it, but I have a feeling it�s going to smack her upside the head one of these days. (If you�ve read my private entries, you can likely surmise who #2 is, because I put this out there in the New Year�s entry).
Friend #3 is in a miserable marriage. This is a couple that needs to split up, and they should have years ago. He is a miserable fuck who treats her like absolute shit. And she puts up with it. They have kids and a house. And she works, always has, even when the kids were newborns. A few years ago, #3 was spending a lot of time at her parent�s camp up north and ended up hooking up with a friend of her�s up there, who was going through a divorce. It got so serious, she was thinking about moving up there. But, he started to flake out and the affair ended. After that, #3 threw her husband out. After finding a man who treated her halfway decently, prior to the breakup, she got tired of being with a man who regularly calls her a �cunt�, in addition to all his moodiness and other verbal abuse. They were separated for a few months before he came home. A short period of happiness was followed by the same miserable funk they�re in today.
I don�t feel bad for #3�s husband, because I�m certain he�s cheated on her, too. I do feel bad for #3, who clearly does not deserve to be treated like she is, but continues to put up with it. Her rationale for living like that says to me that she believes this is the best she can do.
Fortunately for me, I am not in the same boat as any of my three friends. Hub and I have our moments, but for the most part, except for that night he put his hands on me, he doesn�t treat me like shit. He doesn�t deny me sex at all, and it�s good sex. We work well together.
When I was considering cheating, or should I say when I made my mind up to, I confided in #1, knowing that I know secrets of her�s. And her advice to me was to be sure that I could handle it emotionally. That was one thing that had me thinking, and I�ve given that advice a lot of thought.
The truth is, I don�t think I could handle it. Which is why, when the whole cheating thing didn�t pan out, I was grateful and didn�t pursue it any further. I did give a lot of thought into why I wanted to in the first place.
Sure, I was frustrated with my husband (when am I not?) and things between us were not going well. But, still, I took those fucking vows.
(Speaking of which, a lot of people don�t take their vows seriously. Well, when you take a vow that says �In sickness and in health, till death do we part�, but can get a divorce anytime, why should anyone? The most important vow right there is constantly shit upon. Ever go to a nursing home and see the younger women there who have MS, are quadriplegic or have some other debilitating condition? For the most part, their husband�s bailed when they got sick. Not all of them, of course, but more often than not. I�m sure women do it, too, I�ve just never seen it myself. My dad stuck with my mom, and when I grew up I realized that took a lot for him, and I will always respect that. He did sleep with at least one other woman before my mom passed, but I credit that with the fact that he is human. It wasn�t right, but what does one do when their spouse is a vegetable, unable to move or communicate? He didn�t divorce her, he took responsibility for thousands and thousands of dollars in medical bills, and he raised their kids the best he could).
This June, Hub and I will have been together for five years. I have never been with anyone that long. I used to specialize in the short but sweet relationship. If it lasted more than a night, it usually didn�t last much longer than two or three months. I had a few exceptions, but not many.
I suppose I kind of miss that. A new man every so often. A new excitement.
And that�s what the draw was. I found my excuse, which was the direction our marriage seemed to be taking two months ago, and was ready to use it. The draw was the excitement of a new man. That smitten feeling. It�s such a rush, better than any drug. Like what X-plicity has going on right now. (Just a little jealous here). If that feeling could be bottled up and sold, it�d be worth a fortune. I�d spend my weed AND beer money on it.
It never lasts. Eventually, you get to know each other better and get comfortable, and that feeling disappears. And if you get married, forget it! That�s when the fucking test begins. �Adjustment city� is what my psych prof called the first year of marriage. Aptly put.
My weight loss and newfound attractiveness didn�t help matters any at all. It�s easy not to cheat when you feel completely ugly. Once that weight came off and men started looking and flirting again, it became a challenge.
So far, I�ve muddled through it and am still an �honest woman�, for the most part. I don�t think any less of my friends that have cheated for doing so. I don�t think any less of anyone that has, male or female, because it�s a personal choice. Sure, that choice has the potential to hurt the other person in the relationship, but in the end, it�s a not a choice for me to make for someone else. Besides, I don�t think of myself as a very judgemental person. I try not to be. (And that takes a lot of trying, because being raised in part by a French Canadian Catholic woman made it kind of second nature). Unless you�re a perfect person (and who the fuck is, I know I�m not) you�re in no position to judge anyone else�s behavior. I try to live by that. I try, but sometimes when kids are involved or someone is whining about shit that in the end they are responsible for and capable of changing, I become a little judgemental. I�m working on it.
Thank you for reading this whole thing if you got this far. Now, comment!!! =)
Ciao!