The New Train Wreck
For those wondering about whether or not the letter writing approach works, I�d have to say no. Not in this case anyway. I mean, yes it opened his eyes on how serious I am about the insurance and the payroll, but of course it all turned around to be all about HIM. He doesn�t care that I�ve been going bananas for the most part of the past month, he doesn�t care about the stress I�ve been under. At least, he doesn�t want to hear it. He doesn�t want to hear a word I say.
Yesterday, after he came home, we discussed it briefly. Until I realized, he�s heard all he wants to hear from me. I mean, who cares if we have no money? Who fucking cares!!! Fuck the rent! Fuck the bills! Fuck buying groceries!
(Oh yeah, he had the fucking nerve to remind me that he owes for materials, that needs to get paid. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU!!!! What the fuck have I been saying for weeks? Asshole. Fucking tell me what fucking needs to get paid).
I just stopped talking to him yesterday. If it can�t be an even exchange, if you can�t even try to listen and try to see my point of view, or even show an inkling of concern for what I�ve been going through, then I�m out. Shut down. I can ignore people like the best of them.
He said, �I�ll take care of it�. Oh, like you have been so marvelously so far? Sure. SURE! He wants to sell out already, to some rich dude he knows the town over. Whatever. You fucking know it all.
So, this morning I tried to talk to him again. I was calm, and I just tried to let him know how I�ve been a wreck lately, that I can hardly function most of the time, and that I�m getting close to a 4 day stay on the 4th floor. What was his reaction?
�I don�t want to hear this right now, I told you I�d take care of it�.
I said, �Fine. You don�t want to hear it. Fine. Then I won�t burden you with my silly little problems ever again. Just remember that the day when you come home and I�m gone, you didn�t want to hear it�.
Then I left the room and said, �Oh who fucking cares about my stupid problems! He�s gonna take care of it! Yey! Superman�s going to come by and save the day! Yey, Superman! I hope Superman brings money for the rent! And food! And money for the bottomless pit of a checking account he has!!!�.
Yeah, I�m a whacko. Oh well! I can be Whacko Jacko the second! Hey, Michael, maybe I can be your new housekeeper!
Yey! Dukkha�s the new train wreck diary!!! Welcome, invite your friends!!! Watch my marriage crash and burn! It�s been on a downward spiral the past year, and so far 2005 has brought an accelerated downward spiral.
It�s mostly my fault, of course. don�t pity me too much. I fucking walked into this knowing I was marrying a moron. I just didn�t realize how dangerous his stupidity is. Every fucking thing he touches turns to shit. He sucks.
Anyone got three or four extra bedrooms?