I'm not as ugly sad as you
Today is a new day. I�m in my �manic� phase right now, since I�ve been feeling like I�m bi-polar lately. I�m going day to day with it. Yesterday and Sunday, depressed, today, manic. Got any lithium?
Hub and I talked yesterday, or should I say, he talked. He thinks all the problems we have are over money, and admittedly that is a big part of them, but not all. I�ve learned that he doesn�t want to hear what I have to say, because he�s made his assumptions and that�s all there is to that.
So, he has no clue that I have no trust in him anymore. None whatsoever. And this is not regarding infidelity, it�s regarding everything. The most glaring example I can give is the insurance on the business, as this is the one that I cannot let go.
I arranged for all of the insurance on the business, liability, Worker�s Comp, everything. Since we transferred title of his truck over to the business, it has to be insured commercially. Fine, whatever, and it turns out that to insure the truck under the commercial policy is actually about $500 a year cheaper. Cool beans. Anyway, the policy states that no one under 23 years old drive the truck, it won�t cover them. The agent said they might let a driver of 21 or 22 slide, MAYBE, but definitely not in the first year.
Well, Hub�s guys that have licenses are 16 (Butthead), 19 and 20. Ned is 32, but has no license (gee, I wonder why?). Well, when I found out about it, I told Hub right away, no one under 23 can drive the truck. He about had a shit fit. �None of my guys are that old, Ned has no license, what am I gonna do?� Boo fucking hoo and shit. Deal with it, that�s the way it is. Goes to show that you didn�t put all the planning into this that you should have, and not all the rules and shit are going to work for you.
Well, Butthead came home Friday and reported that he�s driven the truck. Him and the 19 year old. Argh. Then he tells me Saturday (that was the day I was drinking, btw) that he �HAS� to let those guys drive, he has �NO CHOICE�. And since I was three sheets to the wind, I didn�t say much. The next day, I wrote him the letter that I posted in a private entry. Of course then it turns into MY problem, now he needs to hire someone FOR MORE MONEY because he just can�t have no other driver. (I mean, let�s forget the fact that he ONLY HAS ONE TRUCK. Hello? And you need another driver for what? I�m confused).
Well, this issue has subsided for him because he�s going to see Superman about funding the business so everything is going to be fucking hunky dory after Superman saves the fucking day.
It is not over for me. It has become Issue Numero Uno for me. It bothers me that he didn�t even think twice about the consequences if someone has an accident in that truck and the insurance doesn�t cover it. It could ruin ME. Everything is in MY name, not his. If one of his teeny bopper workers gets in a good enough accident, I could be held liable. That�s what I need, a lawsuit and a judgement against me. Thanks.
Now, I realize that he doesn�t intentionally mean to ignore the consequences. He doesn�t. He just, for whatever reason (stupidity & ignorance are the two that pop into my head), doesn�t think about what *could* happen. When I posed it to him that I could lose everything in the case of an accident, he says, �There�s not going to be an accident�. Oh! So you�re a pyschic! You know this for a fact! Maybe we could make some money with your psychic abilities in your spare time.
If you�ve been reading me for a while, you know that my husband is a disaster waiting to happen. He�s the one that stuck his face in a burning carburetor that exploded in his face and took the sight in one of his eyes. I�m sure he thought, right before it happened, �This burning thing in an engine full of oil and gas WON�T BLOW UP IN MY FACE�, and yet, it did. Actually, now that I think about it, of course he didn�t think that. He Didn�t think anything except, �got to put the fire out, got to put the fire out� (��and I�ll hug him and squeeze him and name him George�. Just so you know what the voice is meant to sound like).
And related to this is the fact that he should be wearing glasses. For safety reasons, if anything happens to his other eye, he�s blind, end of story. But, he broke the pair that Worker�s Comp paid for, and right after RIGHT AFTER we paid for a brand new pair ($370), he fucking LOST them. Now he just doesn�t wear them. I keep telling him he needs them (well, I did before I gave up, anyway), but he knows it all. He�ll be fine.
I�m fairly certain that the longer I stay with him, the higher my chances are of his completely ruining me. Fucking Chief Black Cloud.
All he wanted to know from me yesterday was, �Are you going to leave me?�. He just wanted a yes or no. He doesn�t want to hear about exactly what I might be so upset about, or why I�d even consider it in the first place. My answer? �Where the fuck am I gonna go? I have no money�. Fuck your yes or no answer.
Because I�m sorry, it�s not that easy to JUST LEAVE. I would love the fuck out of taking off from here right now, off on my own with my kids. But, that means leaving here, and I�m not ready to leave this place. I love it here, this house, the location. This is the home of my children.
And it means going back to work full time, which isn�t so bad except for it�s side effect: finding and paying daycare. Ugh. I can�t even think about it right now. One more year, and Mickey will be in school full time. Then it�s more plausible. Then I can have latch key kids and they can do all the bad stuff I did as a kid while Mom�s at work busting her ass.
Yeah, see, as long as Hub is gone until 9:00 at night every night, it�s not so unbearable. I know, I�m inviting disaster. If it were just me, I�d be gone. But it�s not just me, I have three kids to think about. Well, four if you count Butthead, as I�m probably the best mother he�s had.
Eh. All too much to deal with. Might as well go eat worms.
Anyway, in other news, I was scheduled to have The �I want� Kid and Shelly�s 10 year old son Henry today, but I called them each with a big lie about a migraine headache keeping me in unbearable pain since 2:00 am. It�s the first time I�ve done it since I started sitting. And it felt fucking great.
Well, Shelly�s kid is�uh�unique? Okay, I�ll just be honest here and say I just do not like the kid. I fucking put it out there. I don�t care if he�s �just a 10 year old kid�, he�s annoying as all hell. He spent the summer here last summer and let me tell ya, give me 10 screaming 3 year olds anyday over him. It�s not that he�s hyper or misbehaved, he�s just�.a bitch. He spent the summer in Beavis�s room playing PS2. If I needed to run to the bank or anything, he bitched about it. He judged everything. He was nosy. He hated little kids. Need I say more? Cuz I can. Like the way I brought them swimming all the time this summer, and he would purposely not bring swim trunks because he didn�t want to go swimming, but then when we got there, suddenly he wanted to and it became my problem to figure out what to do for swim trunks. Fucking high maintenance kid if I�ve ever met one.
Anyway, now Beavis is not home and he doesn�t want Henry in his room when he�s not there. Which is fine, it�s his room. (When I informed Shelly of this during February school vacation, she was put off by it, like I should make Beavis let Henry into his room because it works for her--however if it were her kid not wanting anyone in his room, she�d be all for it). But this means that I would have to endure listening to this kid bitch all day about the little kids and being BORED, and every-fucking-thing else.
Then Andrea told me yesterday that Henry has been bitching to Shelly that he doesn�t want to come here. Which is fine with me, I don�t want him here, either, so there�s no love lost. So, why fucking send him? Because she has to prove a point or something.
I was getting myself all worked up about having him today. Like how much the day would just SUCK ASS royally with him here (he�s one of those people, if he�s not happy, he�ll make damn sure that you�re not either. Oh and he�s not happy. EVER). Then I was in the shower this morning and thought, NO. Nope, not gonna do it. I know that Shelly�s mom does daycare, and she takes Henry at a moment�s notice all the time, so I knew I wasn�t going to screw her out of work or anything. So I called her with the headache story. I also let her know that I can�t watch him full time this summer, it won�t work with me doing work for the business (which, you know, I could drop out of at any time if that bastard fucker husband of mine has his guys driving his truck, but still, it�s an excuse to get out of watching her kid all summer).
While I�m at it, I�m all set with the I want kid, too, so I called her parents too. Fuck it. They�ve had her here very inconsistently lately, and they owe me for three inconsistent weeks, so why the fuck not?
Andrea�s kids weren�t here until noon, so I had all morning to go to the bank and order checks and make deposits and get some work done here. And I�m not sorry!
�I�m NOT sorry I took the money!� Ha! What�s THAT from?!?
OMG. Fucking devil�s spawn neighbor kid is making me apeshit! This kid needs serious meds and discipline. Yesterday he was in the yard for a whole ten minutes and broke the kids� merry go round thing. Just took it apart. He�s the one who started taking down our stone wall. I�m thinking I�m going to permanently banish him from the yard because he is a menace. Every time, every single fucking time the kid comes in this yard, he breaks something, throws shit, litters, disrespects, acts like ass and oh did I mention he�s the one I caught HUMPING MY DAUGHTER?
Well, on that note, I�ll end this. The clock may not say 4:20, but that�s what time it is for me!!!
Oh yeah, and I�ll be working on that photo entry this afternoon, too. Any more requests?
Adios!