"MUMBLER!!! I can't hear a word you're saying"

I haven�t updated much lately because I�m still feeling craptastic. Not all the time, but enough that when I sit down here to write, it seems like all I want to do is wallow in my misery. Also, I�ve discovered that a great way to deal with all of the shit that I�ve got going through my head is to clean the fuck out of my house. It sounds ridiculous, I�m sure, but cleaning all the crap that�s been hanging around the house for so long has been fairly cathartic.

Living in �poverty mode� has been a big suck. I hate it. But, it�s like riding a bike, once you learn how, you never forget. Dollar Tree is my new best friend. Nothing�s been shut off yet, but if I don�t pay my phone bill by next Wednesday, it�s getting disconnected. Which, big deal, right? Our cell phones are still good. Except for the two teenagers who are on the phone 24/7 and would DIE without the landline.

Tomorrow, I have the extreme pleasure of going to apply for Food Stamps. Which I fucking hate, hate, hate. I hate DHHS and everything that fucking building represents, especially the fucking cock-knockers who work there. I thought I�d swing In today and grab an application, so that at least I�d have that done when I went in. They used to leave some out in the lobby. But, evidently they don�t anymore. I was in no fucking mood to stand in line for 20 minutes to ask one of those asshole douchebag bitches for an application, so I guess there goes wanting to be prepared. I fucking hate that place, but I also hate starving. The kids don�t know much about that, and I�d like them not to learn. We have food now, at least. Knowing our fucking luck, we won�t be eligible. Whatever, I have to do something.

One thing that�s good about being this poor? Those piddly little problems just don�t seem to matter much. I really don�t give much of a fuck about what the business owes the IRS or anyone else, I just don�t. Sorry, got a family to take care of! Arrest me, penalize me or do what you gotta do. I. don�t. fucking. care.

Looking on the bright side, it�s supposed to snow all week. Hub has been out plowing his little heart out. For now, the truck is working. Also? I�m not stuck in a coal mine, my neighborhood is not flooded or on fire, and I didn�t get stuck in any arenas with collapsed roofs. So, things are not THAT bad.

And, like it was meant just for me, there will be representatives from the Small Business Administration at the Hudson library available to answer questions on small business, with a focus on small business loans especially. Guess who will be there? Yup, moi. I hope they have time, cuz I�ve got questions. It�s like a last ditch effort to save the business. Hub doesn�t know exactly how seriously I am thinking of calling it quits.

Of course, that�s in keeping with the fact that he doesn�t know anything I�m thinking. What�s the fucking use of telling him, he doesn�t want to hear it. So, whatever. That�s just the way he is. The poverty thing is a big issue, but there�s so much more going on with me. Mostly the 25 year old bullshit with my mother. I know it�s not bullshit, but I�m going through a lot right now and I can�t put it Into words. A lot of sadness and anger. Anger! I think I haven�t been through the anger stage of mourning, and it�s catching up with me now. I�m so pissed about what happened, and I�m pissed at what the kids and I are missing out on now. And my dad. And my brothers. I hate it. Every time I look at their wedding pictures, it all comes right up again. And well it should, I have to deal with this, and it�s coming up now because here I am, with the mirror image family, at the age she was when she got sick. Until I�m past the age of 38, I�m going to be dealing with this.

Which I have to do. I just feel silly here, at my age, crying out, �I WANT MY MOMMY!�, but it�s how I feel right now.

Hub hates that whenever my kids say, �I want Mama�, I go right to them. I never deny them that. I know how it feels, and I know how it feels to not have her, so whenever they want Mama, no matter how old they are, they will get her as long as I�m around. So Hub can stick it up his stinky ass. Just cuz his mom sucked, and still does, doesn�t mean that everyone�s does.

Here�s the latest little Hub issue that irritates me. He got $70 in Dunkins� gift cards for Christmas. Which was , what, 9 days ago? He�s fucking spent it all. How do you spend $70 on coffee in just over a week? I guess you go out and buy coffee and shit at every whim, and for whoever you happen to be with or will happen to be seeing. Asshat. Now he�s scraping up change and that shit�s not going far, yo.

Mentioning Christmas reminds me that I haven�t updated since before New Year�s. Guess what I did for New Year�s? Nothing! I was invited out three different places, where money was no issue, and I chose to stay home. No regrets. And? Dick took the kids overnight. I know, I was shocked. The world didn�t end, however, because Beavis returned home shortly before they left to go to his house. He wasn�t supposed to come home until Sunday, but his friend Marc was acting like ass to his mom, so she brought Beavis home early. It can never be that I�ll have �no� kids. Dick ahs been talking about taking them again this weekend, which is fine, but it�s a Daisy weekend. This will sound bitchy, but if they go? Hub�s on his own with her. I�m all fucking set. If he�s not going to be here, then she can stay home. My name�s not on the custody papers, or her birth certificate, and it won�t kill me not to see her. She�s been an irritating little bitch lately, what with her complete and total lack of respect for my house, so I�m all set.

See, you can say I�m not a bad person, but I�ll still try to prove you wrong.

I�ll close with this cute little story about Mickey. Now, when I was a kid, and we didn�t eat our dinner, my grandmother would always talk about the starving kids in China. I would always have to correct her and say that the starving kids were in Africa, not China, but I guess when she was a kid they were starving in China. Fuck it, when she was a kid it was the Great Depression, so they were starving here, too. Anyway, now, when my kids won�t eat supper, I bring up the kids in China. I�m just a goof, okay?

So, last night, I was encouraging the kids to finish dinner, and I mentioned the starving kids in China. Mickey put me right in my place with this line: �Mama, the Chinese kids in China have CHINESE FOOD�. Duh, me!

Anyway, in closing, my apologies for being a crappy dland friend. I�ll try to get better. It�s the best I can do.

Until next time, Ciao!

Listening to: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. " Augustus Gloop, The great big greedy Nincompoop"

Currently reading: Nada Comaneche.

Thinking about: Getting a quote from this movie off of IMDb for the title.