"I've tried it on, like, 20 Oompa Loompahs and each one ended up as a blueberry. It's just weird! "
Well, there�s nothing like some retarded neighbor shit to get your mind off of your psychological problems. I love when adults act like 10 year olds, I really do.
Since I�ve been watching �The Aviator� a lot lately (which just makes me want to pump out Leonardo�s babies. The man is fine, and fuckin� A can he act), let�s just say that I can totally see how Howard Hughes became a recluse. People just fucking suck royal ass sometimes. When I finally do buy a house, it�s going to be in the middle of nowhere and I�m getting like 75 acres to ensure that it will remain secluded and not open for development. Only my hot neighbor next door who I still harbor a mad crush for is allowed to move anywhere near me. Aside from his horrid son, he�s the perfect neighbor, he just keeps to himself and doesn�t bother anyone. That and he�s cute. But this isn�t about him.
Yeah, so we got some snow yesterday. Not as much as the people in MA and RI and Connect-ti-cut, but we got some. (Jackie�s checking account says �let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!�). So, when Hub got home from plowing at approximately 5:00 pm, he and Beavis decided to take Willy�s snowmobile (that�s been here for a year) out for a spin.
Remember, 5:00. PM, not AM. Also, remember that we live on a private road, which I call �the common driveway�.
So, Hub and Beavis were riding around on the common driveway on the snowmobile, and the police showed up. Well, the automatic assumption is that the cop calling bitch down the road, whom I�ve written about before and named �Nancy� but her real name is Julie, called them. She�s called them for all kinds of ridiculous reasons, like when Beavis, Hilda, Shawn and Courtney were walking up and down the driveway TALKING at 9:00 at night and she was upset about the �noise�.
The cops pulled in the driveway and said to Hub, �This is private property, we can�t do anything about it�. And Hub said he thought it was Julie who called, so the cops said that they would go talk to her and say that they couldn�t do anything about it since it was private property.
Which reminds me of how it just irritates me how people will call the cops for all sorts of fucking stupid reasons. The Hudson Police log was in the newspaper yesterday and I could not believe some of the shit they have to deal with. I shit you not, �Police responded to a call about a dead cat in the roadway�. WTF is up with that! Do you own a shovel? Or maybe, I don�t know, call the Town�s road department if you can�t handle picking it up with the shovel, for crying out loud. Fucking people.
So, Hub and Beavis resumed riding. Beavis is so excited that he can drive that thing. He�s been dying to drive anything for the past two years. Hence, his 1971 Bolens riding lawnmower, which Julie also threw a shit fit about.
You would think that I�m talking about some old bitty who hasn�t been laid ever, right? I have to say this, Julie is quite pretty, and still in her 20�s. I don�t know why she has to act like an old maid, but she does.
Anyway, so a little while later, the guy who lives in the other side of the duplex that Julie lives in (dubbed �the brown house� and has very negative connotations around here), �Hot Karl� (nicknamed after the obscure sexual term and not anything to do with him being hot, cuz he�s not. His brother--whom it was rumored that Julie was fucking while her husband was in Iraq, btw--is hot, but he is NOT), came flying out of his house when Beavis was riding by. (Hot Karl is Beavis�s friend Cornholio�s step-dad. Let�s remember that Cornholio was forbidden to hang out with Beavis all summer because of some stupid shit that centered around Julie).
So, Hot Karl comes flying out of the house and right into Beavis�s face. Right in his face like a close talker screaming at him. �WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO START TROUBLE?!?�, etc, etc. To Beavis�s credit, he was the adult in the matter and kept his mouth shut. Except when he revved up the snowmobile and said, �Fuck you� as he sped off. He�s 14 and has put up with a great deal of shit from these people. Never mind that his description of Hot Karl yelling was �he was cracked out�. So, If you are going to get into my kid�s face and scream at him like you�ve just sucked the devil�s dick, then he can say fuck you after, and while I�ll certainly explain that he can�t talk to �adults� that way, he won�t be punished for it, either.
Beavis went back to Hub, who was up by our house and had no idea what happened, and told him about Hot Karl. Hub went right down there. Evidently, Hot Karl was upset that Hub had told the cops that Julie called. Because he�s ten, I guess. (At twelve, I�m much more mature). Anyway, they �had words�, in which Hub said something to the extent of �if you get into my kid�s face again like that, then it will be between you and me and I will happily go to jail when I�m done with you, after they pry my hands off your throat�. Hot Karl, I guess, did not have much to say after that, and Hub waved him off with his hand and said, �You need to go away�, and Hot Karl did. Because he is a big pussy. He outweighs Hub by about 50 lbs and has about 6 inches on him. And my wittle Hub scared him off. He can be pretty scary when he wants to be.
Now, my take on Hot Karl has always been that he�s pretty cool most of the time, but sometimes he�s a raging lunatic. I blame this on his weed habit. Not that I know for sure, but I�m pretty sure he�s cool when he has weed, but when he runs out, he�s a bastard. Or he�s a crackhead. But, I choose to go with Theory #1.
So. Now they�ve �had words�, and Hot Karl called the cops back. Because they have nothing better to do, I guess, and also because there were no dead cats in any roadways or squirrels in people�s houses or people playing the fucking radio or loose dogs or fucking UFO sightings. For the love of God.
Now, we have TWO cruisers coming up to the house. Sorry to the resident who had a real emergency and actually needed the police but they were too busy with petty fucking bullshit. So, we�re watching the cops try to come up the driveway (our driveway), but it was too slippy and they don�t know the trick to getting up the hill, which is to turn off from the main road and DON�T EVEN SLOW DOWN A BIT and fly up the hill. So, Hub went out to meet them.
Hub was really not the guy who should have gone, but he did. He said that the cop had an attitude right away with him. Evidently, either Hot Karl or Julie WhoNeedsCockBadly told them that Beavis called Julie a cunt. Now, I knew this wasn�t true as Beavis would just admit it. He admitted the �fuck you�, knowing that I wouldn�t be too thrilled with it. So, Hub tried to explain that that�s not what happened, but the cop wasn�t buying it. Hub informed him that Hot Karl was IN BEAVIS�S FACE, and the cop said, �Well, they didn�t mention that�. Yeah, of course, cocksucker, that�s why you get BOTH SIDES of the story before you start propagating misinformation.
The cop told Hub, �If my 14 year old son had a dirty mouth like that I�d kick his ass�. Well, pal, if your 14 year old son ever runs into the problems that mine has had with these supposed �adults�, maybe you�ll be more interested in getting to the truth rather than placing your faith in fucking crackheads.
That confrontation ended with the cop saying, �If I drive back here and you�re on the snowmobile, then I�m citing you for the noise ordinance�. Dick. By this time, it was roughly 6:30 pm. Noise ordinance starts at 9:00 pm. Trust me, if I knew who this officer was, I�d be calling his supervisor. Instead, I chose to place my first �Thumbs Down� in the Hudson/Litchfield News, which I�ll share shortly.
When Hub came back in and shared this information with Beavis, Beavis was very upset. First, he�s still young and hasn�t experienced much of the shitty side of humanity. Second, because he did not call anyone a cunt and it upset him that #1, they lied and #2, the cops believed it. One thing about Beavis, he�s always had a very strong sense of justice. When he encounters an injustice, he feels very strongly about it. He was so mad. He just kept saying, �I can�t believe they said that�. This is a kid who would have totally admitted the �fuck you� to the cops, but there was no mention of that at all. Just the imaginary �cunt� remark.
I explained to the boy that these people are wretched. That you have to expect the worst out of assholes like them, because you will get nothing better from them and you won�t be disappointed when you expect assholes to act like assholes. I tried to calm him down, because I knew how upset he was.
I also suggested that he might want to talk to the School Resource Officer at his school about the entire incident, to try and get a fair (hopefully) perspective on the incident. Hub and the officer have been friends since high school, so Beavis feels comfortable with him. I just don�t want the kid to start thinking that the cops suck.
A few hours later, and he was calmed down. He also had the insight of an adult by then. He came up and said that he was going to be big about it. He wouldn�t even talk about it to his buddy Mike on the bus because of Cornholio (who now stands to suffer because of this incident which in no way involved him, but now he�ll be forbidden to hang around with Beavis, his only friend, now), he said. He said that if Cornholio acted like an ass on the bus, then he might tell Mike on the bus, but if he was cool, then Beavis would wait until he got into school to tell Mike.
Of course, all was quiet after that. I think now that Hot Karl is feeling like a big butthole. And well he should. Either he or his wife drove Cornholio to the bus stop this morning (which is right down the driveway, btw, and they drove! Hello! Lazy, much?), and they left Beavis alone. And, instead of driving their elementary school kids (devil�s spawn) to the bus stop like they have been, the kids walked down. Knowing I�d be down there, I�m sure. Pansy ass fairy. (In no way intended to offend the gays, btw, we all know that I love the gays and would never insult them by insinuating that this crackhead is gay). I was prepared to calmly let him know that if he screamed in Beavis�s face again, I�d be the one calling the police due to his harassment of a minor. But, of course, I missed my chance this morning.
Their is a silver lining to this gray cloud, however. Hot Karl and his wife (who is much calmer and more reasonable than her psychotic husband, btw) have bought a house and are moving out on January 20th. There was a rumor (heard only through the mouths of children and therefore bearing very little validity) that Julie NeedsALay is moving, too, but I�m not pinning my hopes on that one.
I�m looking forward to their leaving, although one should be careful what they wish for. It could get worse with new neighbors. I�ve come to dread new neighbors. Who knows what will move in there.
This morning I emailed the Hudson-Litchfield News with my Thumbs Downs about the situation. Feedback is warmly welcomed on these, even though I�ve already sent them:
�Thumbs down to the neighbor who called the police because we were riding a snowmobile on private property at 5:30 in the afternoon"
"Thumbs down to the neighbor who screamed in my minor child's face. You're an adult, try handling the situation like one. Looking forward to your moving. Best of luck to your new neighbors"
"Thumbs down, WAY DOWN, to the Hudson Police officer for not listening to both sides of the story before perpetuating false allegations. What happened to fairness and justice? I'm quite disappointed, and my son was quite hurt and disillusioned by this. This makes me want to move to Nashua. Great job, guys�
Anyway, yay for neighborhood drama. I fucking love it.
Also, yay for blowing off my dreaded trip to DHHS. I suck! I�ve spent my whole morning writing this and reading diaries. Yay for productivity!!! Maybe now I�ll invoice out Hub�s plowing and get some cash into the hizzouse.
Later days and better lays!