05 January 2006 | 11:33 a.m.

"What is it about good sex that makes me have to crap? You really jarred something loose tiger."

Hey, I didn�t even update y�all on that woman that got beaten up when Beavis got his ball sack drained last month. There was an update in the newspaper last week about what actually happened, as she finally regained consciousness enough to answer the police�s questions.

Heh, interesting story. It seems as though she never got beaten up at all. She slipped and fell outside, and fucked herself up pretty good doing so, and then was stuck outside due to her injuries. Evidently, frostbite can make you look like you�ve had the shit kicked out of you. I saw her face and she was purple, which is a sign of frostbite. So, that�s what really happened.

As far as the neighbor drama around here, yesterday was quiet, as far as I�ve Run Out Of Weed And I Hate The World Hot Karl goes. He must have scored a sack of hooch. Now, Cornholio won�t be suffering anything because he is behind his psycho step-dad 100%. And yet again, my boy amazes me with his maturity.

It seems as though Cornholio tried to start something with Beavis on the bus in the AM, but Beavis was too busy listening to his MP3 player and ignoring him. At one point, however, he heard Cornholio whispering to Courtney, and then he heard Courtney say out loud, �Dude, he would kick your ASS�.

At some point, in school or on the bus home, Cornholio started with Beavis. Saying he couldn�t believe Beavis told his dad to fuck off. Beavis said, �I didn�t tell him to fuck off. I said Fuck you�. He�s quite detail oriented, that son of mine. Get your obscenities right, Goddammit. That�s my boy.

Anyway, Cornholio defended Hot Karl to Beavis, even asking how Beavis would feel if he (Cornholio) told Hub fuck you. Beavis said, �well, why would you, Hub likes you�. When asked again, Beavis said, �Dude, if Hub was in your face like Hot Karl was in mine, then I�d stand behind you�. I guess it was over and over again with the scenario of Cornholio telling Hub to fuck off. Or fuck you. Whatever.

At one point, Cornholio started talking about all the guys that were so much bigger than Hot Karl that he said he had beaten up. Beavis laughed and said, �Your dad is a big pussy�, not really trying to insult him as much as just stating a fact. Because he is. Hub waved him off and off he went.

Hub is only about 5�7�, weighing 185 or so. He is built like a Mack truck, though, I�ll give him that. And strong as an ox. He can carry our couch on his shoulder, I shit you not, I�ve seen him do it. He�s also not afraid of anyone, not physically, anyway.

But, still, he�s not THAT scary. But he�s not all talk, either. Hot Karl? All talk.

Anyway. Back to Beavis and Cornholio. After they got off the bus, Cornholio kept calling Beavis a faggot under his breath, trying to start a fight. Beavis hardly acknowledged it, except to say that he wasn�t going to fight him over it. Not then, anyway. He�s got a trip to Washington, DC with the school coming up, and he really wants to go. Any type of fighting at school is an automatic disqualification. �School� also includes the bus stop, and the bus stop is counted as being where you get on/off the bus until you get into your house. So, the boy is not taking any chances. Plus, he knows it�s just not worth it.

It makes me wonder how much Cornholio actually knows about the confrontation. He must have gotten Hot Karl�s abridged version, like the one he gave the cops. Whatever. It�s obvious that this family thrives on bullshit drama and they can take it all to Brook Drive when they move there.

And, sorry to break it you guys, but they have all their teeth. Hot Karl has one of them �suit and tie� jobs and actually travels the country on business. Which just makes the whole scenario even harder to believe.

Hot Karl, coming soon to a city near you.

We had Daisy last night. She is annoying the shit out of me lately. No respect whatsoever. Now that we�ve cleaned the kid�s bedroom and the upstairs in general, our focus is on keeping them clean. The kids know that if they take it out to play with it, they must put it back where they found it when they�re done. Trash needs to go into the trash. Simple things, all explained to Daisy in SPED words that she can understand (sorry, but with half of her gene pool coming from Hub and the other half coming from Helen, she�s a special need by birthright).

Yeah. Her solution is just to shove shit, ie; toys and trash, under the bed. I was thrilled to find that yesterday.

She also has been a fucking bully, too. She brought over this dance mat last night. I could hear her ordering Minnie to do some dance, and Minnie was saying, �But I can�t, Daisy, it�s not working right� and Daisy was fucking ordering her, �DO IT NOW!�. I listened to that for about three minutes and told her if I heard her bullying like that again, she�d be �couched� for the rest of the evening. Bitch.

I�m also kinda getting sick of Hub trying to get me to do everything for her as in picking up/dropping off, being the one spending the majority of time with her while she�s here. Etc. Yesterday, he was home all day. He was hooking up cable in Mickey�s room, as Butthead got a TV for Christmas from that pathetic excuse of a human being mother of his, and he gave Mickey his old one. I was in the midst of billing out all the plowing for Sunday and Tuesday, which took me all afternoon between interruptions from the kids. He came down and asked if I would go pick Daisy up for him. Now, I don�t mind doing that when he�s working, but when he�s home? He can go. I�m all set. He�d have me doing 100% of that shit for her if I�d let him.

Sunday is her birthday, and we�re supposed to have her. We had her last year on her birthday, too. That day entailed Hub taking her out for breakfast, and then him taking off to plow until early the next morning. I did cake and ice cream, I dealt with her all day. He didn�t see her after 10 am, nor hardly the next day. Helen bitched about this to her lawyer, and rightfully so. She should have been with one of her REAL parents on her birthday.

Now, this year, Helen wants her home at 2:00 on her birthday so they can do a party for her. Which is fine with me. It�s going to be tough to even get her a present, and that�s going to be a $20 present at best, never mind a fucking party or even cake. He pissed and moaned a little about it, but GET. OVER. IT. With a little snow in the forecast, he probably won�t be here anyway, so what�s the big fucking deal? Let her go home Saturday, for all I care.

He wants her here all the time, but doesn�t seem to think it�s important for him to be with her when she�s here. Hi, again, my name�s not on the custody papers! I could see when Helen was with Chester and Daisy needed to be away from that home as much as possible, but he�s out of the picture now. Way out.

Plus, it�s so much more work for me when she�s here. It�s like giving my kids a nice stiff pot of black coffee, three Red Bulls and some pure cane sugar. She�s kiddie cocaine. That, and she pulls shit that my kids don�t when she�s not here. Like carving her name into Minnie�s bureau. Or drawing on the mirror with play makeup. That�s the no respect part.

Yeah, so I�m an evil step-mother. Oh well. Can�t deny the way I feel. My step kids are a pain in the ass as far as I�m concerned. Fortunately, we have the best of the three living with us, even though I hate him at times. The best thing about him is that he�ll be 18 next year. Whoo! Not that he�s going to be moving out or anything, it�ll just be nice that he�ll be legally responsible for himself.

But the girls, man, unreal. Of course, at least Daisy is just a disrespectful little pain in the ass possible ADHD case. Hilda�s a whole �nother� story. Not that I have much news on her. Except to say, I�m done going out of my way for her. I�m done buying the �I only have two pairs of pants� or �My mom won�t buy me a winter jacket� bullshit. I�m sick of her bitching about everybody behind their backs, but not saying shit to their faces. It�s part of the �boo hoo poor me� bullshit. Feel bad for me because this person was horrible to me, but I won�t take any steps to rectify it myself, I�ll just use it as a ploy for sympathy and to see what I can get out of other people for it.

That whole �cutting� thing. I have my own take on that. It�s all the rage with the kids nowadays. When I was a teenager, it was �The Suicide Club�. That�s what I called it. I had my own stupid suicide attempt when I was a depressed and totally fucked up 15 year old, but trust me, I wasn�t broadcasting to the world that I wanted to kill myself. I just freaked out one day and did it. Tried, anyway. I�m not going into details cuz this is embarrassing enough as it is just admitting it. Anyway, I had about six months of counseling after that and the counselor and I decided I was all set, and I really did have a better grip after that. Not the best grip, but much improved, for the time.

That�s when I started noticing these girls who were always pissing and moaning about wanting to kill themselves. After word got out about my attempt, more girls were willing to confide in me about it. I�d become a member, I guess. One girl who sat next to me in English showed me her wrist, and it was full of scars from her trying to kill herself. You know what I did? This is bad, but I told her she was cutting the wrong way, if she really wanted to kill herself, she�d cut vertically instead of horizontally. Of course she never did, because she didn�t really want to kill herself, she just needed the attention.

Now, the cutting thing is like The Suicide Club. It�s a cry for attention and help. I know, there are �real� cutters who do it for more reasons, just like those kids in high school who didn�t cry and whine about wanting to kill themselves, they just fucking did it. Paul Fazio and Dave Hicks both. (I credit Dave for saving me from my second attempt at 19, which was the one I was all business about and would have succeeded with) No one would have known, until we got the news and it was so shocking.

Another thing I love about Beavis. When Hilda told him she cut, he all but called her stupid and said, �What if you hit an artery? You could die doing that�. Butthead is the same way. His take on it is, �If you�re going to do that, Make it count�. I guess his GF did it last year and he told her it was stupid and if she did it again, he�d dump her. Is it merely a coincidence that the kids who live with us are the ones with a clue?

The good news is, it�s snowing like a bastard out there. It wasn�t supposed to snow as much as it is, but it is! Yay! I just billed out about $2000 in plowing yesterday, and I�ll have more to do after today. That is cool with me. I�m going to hold off on the Food Stamps for now.

I could go on forever, but really, how much more can you possibly read? My fat ass must get up from this computer at some point and do something.

So, adios.


Listening to: Death Cab For Cutie. That's just fun to say. Say it.

Currently reading: Nothing. And I'd like to change this optional field.

Thinking about: I love the quote I picked for my title today. Fucking cracks me up.