"Back in '82, I used to be able to throw a pigskin a quarter mile. "
So, my awesome weekend. My totally spontaneous, awesome, debaucherous (it�s a word now), non-stop weekend.
This is going to be a long one. Pull up a chair, grab a cup of coffee. If you�re like me, take your ADHD meds. ;)
Oh yeah, and Hub�s hottie bro never came up this weekend. Some crap about waiting on an order of granite or some shit and he couldn�t leave at a reasonable time. He�s been working in DC for a few months, so he�s closer (his wife and kids are in Georgia).
It started Friday afternoon. I left the house with the kids, including Colin and Makayla, to go fetch Beavis�s buddy Marc in Fremont (like an hour and a half round trip).
Well, the trip was taking longer than I thought, and I had to go back into Nashua after we got back (as Minnie was going to be sleeping over Daisy�s house--I KNOW, RIGHT!--and going to the circus with Helen and Daisy and Hilda--Hub was going to pick her up later she since lives in Milford which is in the exact opposite direction of Fremont and I wasn�t into traveling the entire southern portion of the state that afternoon --and some of Helen�s friends, who are people I knew in high school and also one is a cousin of my SIL Tina�s husband�s, because we live in a small, small world) and I was just going to drop Colin and Makayla off at their house. BY this time, I�d dropped Beavis and Marc at home.
So, I dropped Minnie off and Hub called me up on the chirp chirp (Nextel) and wanted to meet me at Andrea and Willy�s (Colin and Makayla�s mom & dad), but Colin had like just fucking puked all over himself and I was like, �Look, their kid is full of puke, I really don�t think they�re gonna want company�. Yah right. We got their and Andrea was pissed at Willy cuz he came home half in the bag, plus had one of his random work buddies over. She hates when he does that.
Anyway, so we stayed there for a bit, smoked some pot and hung out. Well, Robert and Rhonda and the bunch wanted to go out to the club, and they totally hooked up their daughter Gina to babysit Mickey. So, we left Andrea�s and headed over to Caroline and Wayne�s, who live around the corner from Robert and Rhonda.
I didn�t even have time to do anything to myself, like fix my makeup a little or maybe change my clothes. It was an �as is� kinda night, which are always the best, IMO.
So, it was us, Robert, Rhonda, Wayne, Caroline, this guy Sketchy Kevin (whjo I�ve known since I was with Dick, Dick was always jealous of Sketchy and used to start big ass fights with me over him--for no reason but he was a jealous asshole. He would say, �I just think that if I wasn�t with you then you�d be with him� and that was his problem and his thinking was fucking skewed at best but anyway), Robert and Rhonda�s new upstairs neighbors who�s names I can�t remember for the life of me, and finally, my favorite crush man, �J�, the guy with the sexy flirting eyes who I oogle over the whole five times a year we go out with them.
Anyway, I�m not gonna call him �J� anymore cuz I already write about Jay next door and it�s just too confusing. He will now be known here by his real life nickname, �Bobo�. Which cracks my ass up. Bobo. His last name is French and ends in �bault�, pronounced, �bo�, so that�s where it came from. (That crowd comes up with some funny nicknames. Like, Sketchy Kevin. I actually made that one up cuz he�s off when he drinks, and there were two Kevin�s back in the day, so you�d mention Kevin and it�d be like, �Which one? The sketchy one?� and it stuck. Another favorite is this guy Larry, who�s middle initial is �P�, and became known as �Lawrence P� and then eventually just �Pee Pee�).
Anyway, I took like a bajillion pics of Bobo. It was so obvious, but oh well. The girls were laughing at me, but they know why because all the girls love Bobo. I took pics of other things, too. Since this entry is going to be ridiculously long as all hell, I�ll post them to the next entry.
Anyway, what a bunch of drunks. Hub was going to leave the club after a couple of beers to go to Milford to get Hilda, but then the fun was just starting, so we decided that I would just get up super early Saturday morning and run to Milford and get her and then drop her at Helen�s, since Helen was leaving by nine.
Debauchery ensued. Shots of Jager, until the club RAN OUT, which is just wrong. We barely spent any money, everybody buys round after round and we bought one round, for fifteen people it was less than $30. Gotta love the club.
Hub, me, Bobo, Robert and Sketchy Kevin left the club to smoke a doob and Sketchy made the mistake of using �the N word� in front of me and I blasted him with how I found it very offensive. Then he�s trying to make excuses for it, saying he just meant it in the way that meant �an ignorant person� and I was all, look, there a million other terms for an ignorant person and that doesn�t need to be used. �Take a ride down to the projects on Central Street and go say that. Let�s see how the black guys like hearing out of a white boy�s mouth�. Well, it was a good debate. Sketchy K, despite his use of that term, is pretty intelligent and I don�t get to hang out with people like that much so it was kinda cool arguing with him.
But, the other guys didn�t like it and I heard Bobo say to Hub, �Dude, keep them away from each other�. Which was funny.
Anyway, so then this other Kevin (yeah, I thought two Jay�s was confusing, but I�m just going to stick with two Kevins) was there. I�ve known him since third grade. He was one of those guys I knew back then, he was okay but nothing special. Like Hub. And then I didn�t see him for fifteen years and he grew up into a very good looking man. Kevin and Hub were very good friends in junior high and high school. He was one of the people who was like, �OMG when did you two get married? How did that happen?!?� when he found out.
When I was 18, 19, shortly before I moved away to NY, I hung out with Kevin�s older sister Kristen a lot. Every Friday night we�d get together with two other girlfriend�s and go bananas with a half gallon of Barcardi. Sigh, the days. Anyway, while I was away in NY, Kristen disappeared from town. She�d had this boyfriend (the older brother of one of my girlfriend�s) who she wanted to break up with, but he was going a little pyscho on her. OMG, we used to call her �The GP� for �golden pussy� because of how Greg went nuts over her. Anyway, she had an opportunity to move far away and did just that.
So, anyway. Kevin asked me if I would do him a favor and tell Tina that he said hi, cuz he didn�t trust Hub to say hi. I was like, yeah, and in return, you tell your sister that I said hi. He looked at me and was like, �You knew my sister?!?� like he didn�t even know, even though the last friggin time I saw him (before the 15 years) was at her damn house. But, only I would remember that.
OMG, so he goes and pulls a Hub on me and calls his sister up and puts me on the phone with her. I hate that. But, I talked to her, she�s got a bunch of kids, living somewhere down south, I forget where.
So, then I remember that I have this old, old, old Polaroid pic of Kevin with my ex from high school Sean RegisteredSexOffender and this other guy Sandon, who was kind of a punky, new wave artist guy in high school and a different breed then the rest of us. Not that there�s anything wrong with that.
Anyway, so I tell Kevin, �OMG, I have a picture of you and Sean CrackheadParoleeLoser and Sandon ArtistGuy from the sixth grade� and he just looked at me, all incredulous and said, �Sandon ArtistGuy?!?!� and I was like, yeah it�s an awesome pic, and it�s a Polaroid, too!�. He says, �Yeah, that�s probably worth money�.
But then we start talking about Sean. He�s like, �I see Sean all the time, he;s an asshole, yadda yadda yadda. DO you want to see where he lives?� and here I�ve been thinking that he lived up in Concord, but Kev was like, �no, come here, I�ll show you�. NAd we went out the door and he pointed to a house across the street, the �Davis�s�, I�ll call them. These two brothers I knew back then, Ronnie and Greg (different Greg), lived there with their mom and dad.
So, I was like, �He lives with the Davis�s?!?� and Kevin was like, �Yup. Drive by sometime and you�ll see him out there doing yard work and shit�. Well, yeah, I�ll be doing that, just to see what the fucking asshole looks like now.
And then he was telling me about how Sean still hangs out with the girl he basically broke up with me for, Skanky Hosebag, and how he�s seen her at the club and she looks rough. Douchebag. That I�d like to see.
Anyway, get me going on that whole subject and you�d think it happened last year and not in 1989. But, that whole thing, it was very traumatic for me. I�d been through break ups before and wasn�t too good at handling them, but with Sean it was different. Despite our completely deranged relationship. I loved him, and we said those three words to each other. And then all of a sudden, he just started treating me like a piece of shit. He just trampled all over my heart, smushed it and put it in a blender. It was so hard on me, and it was so hard for me to believe that someone who loved me could do that. It was cuz of him that I moved to NY, I couldn�t handle seeing him around, hooking up with that skank�and he was mean to me. OMG. Asshole.
We left the club around I have no fucking idea what time, I was trashed. Hub had sobered himself up to drive, what a guy. Well, you know in between revisiting high school and bullshitting, I flirted a bit with Bobo. So, we were in the truck going back to Caroline and Wayne�s and he was telling the story of his parents, who are both dead. He told me his mom died, and you know I can relate on that subject. Then he was telling me about how he never knew his dad growing up and he finally met him�hours before the man died. Yikes. So, we stayed in the truck for a minute talking about that and that�s when I said it. �You know what? You totally make me wish I was single�. I remember saying that very clearly but as to what his response was, I don�t know. It�s a blur.
I�m not going to cheat on Hub. That�s as far as I would take it. That, and taking a bajillion pics of him every time I see him. I just like having a crush. Well, I have two. ELE�s dad is still hot to me even if his kid is some kind of freak of nature. But I digress.
We went to Robert and Rhonda�s for a few and I fell and fucked up my foot. And got dirt all over me. Pity me, the poor drunky.
So. Went home, passed out. Woke up at 7:00 am. How, I don�t know. I showered, and Hub took me to get the van which was at Wayne and Caroline�s. Oh, and my cell phone, which was sitting on the ground outside their house. Yay, Jackie.
So, Mickey and I headed over to get Hilda. I was still tripping out about the Sean thing so I was yacking her ear off about it and she seemed to like it, since it was teenager stuff and she could relate. Then I dropped her at Helen�s.
Then I had to head up to Bedford, I had an appointment with the accountant to finally do our taxes. That took like an hour, Mickey was good cuz, well, Gameboy! We�re looking at a nice refund, which I refuse to get my panties in a bunch over since we still haven�t gotten 2004�s back yet and it was supposed to be here in early March. IRS bastards.
Left there, went to grab lunch. Since Minnie was going to the circus (and Mickey really wanted to go, but I am not a circus chick. I get all bent out of shape seeing elephants and tigers living like that, I just can�t go, between my bleeding heart and the fact that I can�t get my arms off from around the tree), I decided to treat Mickey to a movie, so we were going to the 12:30 showing of �Ice Age 2: The Meltdown�. I didn�t realize it was opening weekend. Until we got there and it was packed.
We went to the stadium style place, you know, cuz I love spending as much money as possible. $2.95 for a fucking 16 oz bottled water, $3.95 for a SMALL POPCORN. Highway goddamned robbery, I tell you. But, anyway.
Theater was packed, except some rows were empty but had these caddy trays on them, which I took to mean that they were reserved or whatever. We found seats. But these women there were DUMB, and took the reserved seats. So, when the reservees got there, they wanted their seats back. OMG, so the dumb women weren�t crazy about that idea, so management had to get involved. Over seats! At a kids movie! Just shut the fuck up and accept the fact that they�re right and you�re wrong, and sit somewhere else. Neck brace seats were still available in the front row!
Seriously. It�s a kids movie. Stop it.
Anyway, it was great, I�d recommend it. I saw the first one, but I barely remember it, so I can�t say it�s better or not. It was really good, though. And amazingly, for a theater full of kids, they weren�t uncontrollable. Nope, I guess that was the parents� job that day.
So, after the movie, I headed to Helen�s, who was back from the circus by then, to drop off Hilda�s stuff so she could sleep over. Oh you know her mother Shauna is going to have a cow over that but OH WELL! So, Helen asked what club we go to, and I started talking about our night and lo and behold, who was one of the people she went to the circus with? Ronnie Davis, who�s parents live across from the club, you know, where Sean lives. OMG, too funny! Ronnie and Helen�s neighbor �Dee� have a kid together, she�s like 18 or so, she was pregnant with her when I was with Sean. Dee is my SIL�s husband�s cousin.
It gets smaller and smaller every damn day.
Anyway. I left there and went home for a few. Down time. I needed it. But! There were more plans to go to the club again and that night Cheryl and Lou were coming out, too. Minnie was spending another night at Helen�s, so I just needed a sitter for Mickey and Caroline totally hooked it up with her daughter Jessica. She was watching Caroline�s other kids and Bobo�s kid. (Oh there�s another story. Bobo�s kids� mom is some kind of drug addict, he lives with an aunt and Bobo takes him every weekend. Cute kid, his name is �Jerick�).
So, I had nothing to wear. Everything decent was dirty. So, Mickey and I went to WalMart to pick something up. Not my first choice for clothes, but it�s close. I got a pair of Capri�s and a sweater on clearance so total cost: $19.37. Yay!
Mickey, despite going all around the world with me that day, was an angel. I bought him a Power Rangers toy as his reward cuz that kid earned it.
Back to the house and I gave Mickey a shower and some supper. He was all excited to go to Caroline�s with her boys and Jerick. Barely said goodbye to me when it was time to go.
Back to the club. I told the girls on the way, �Do not let me do shots. I am not doing shots. Yell at me if I do shots�.
So, we were there for just a bit when Hub�s sister Lily and her husband showed up. Lily and I sat and talked and talked and talked. I�m the first of Hub�s wives that she actually likes.
Then she was off talking to someone for a few, so I was across from Sketchy Kevin and I said, �Let�s argue! Pick a subject�. He picked immigration, but everybody put a stop to it. They didn�t want to hear us. Oh well.
So, anyway, yeah, I was really kinda hoping that Sean would go there. And when I saw Greg Davis there with his girlfriend, I really thought he would be. I just wanted to get one little dig in about the �registered sex offender� thing. Just one. Just let me be able to talk down to him. Just once.
This is when my theme of the evening became 1989. I was Uncle Rico. You know, from Napoleon Dynamite. Only, instead of 1982, it was 1989.
So, Greg�s girlfriend, Dawn, knew Lily and came to sit with us. She�s on the heavy side, but her face, OMG, she�s absolutely beautiful. Perfect fucking face, flawless skin and just extremely beautiful. So, I was all like, �Hi, I�m Jackie� and it was like we�ve known each other all our lives.
The subject of Sean came up and she knows him and hates him and gave me the entire scoop on him and Skanky Hosebag. Well, first, they both got arrested with the crack on Friday night and he�s going back to prison for violating parole for the enth time. LOSER!
He�s on parole because back around 1998, him and a few friends decided to sneak into some girl�s apartment and have a gang bang. Evidently, she wasn�t exactly consenting and everyone got busted. In case you didn�t know that.
So, the dirt. Skanky Hosebag has three kids. I knew her when she was pregnant with the first, who�s 18 now. I guess she had another with that kids� father who�s a teenager, and then another younger kid. All living with the mother of the first father, since Skanky Hosebag spends so much time in prison.
Sean has two kids. Two moms. He�s an asshole. When I first moved back from NY in 1992, my friend Doobie brought Sean over to my house to smoke some weed. It was the first time I�d seen him since before I was pregnant with Beavis.
So, he was all, �Hey Jackie I heard you had a kid�. I was like, �Yeah� and he said, �Oh so some geek out there in NY knocked you up� Cuz he�s that kind of an asshole. I was like, �Yeah, whatever� and then he says, �So what�d you have?� and I said �A boy, Brendan� and he says, �Huh? What kind of a name is that?!?� Like, you are an asshole. I said, �Sorry I didn�t name him something more your speed like �uh��.
The next day I called Doobie and said, �don�t ever bring that fucking asshole over my house ever again�. Prick.
Yeah, anyway, a year later, this chick Nicole had his first kid and what did they name him? Brandon. When I heard that I was like, OMG what an asshole!
Then in 1996, he was hooking up with the mom of kid #2 (don�t know his name), Jamie, who was a friend of Smokey�s from wayback. I�d known her since she was like 15. So, we were at Smokey�s one day and he showed up with her and said hi and shit, reluctantly on my part. I talked to Jamie more.
Anyway, so then they left and Sean tells Jamie, �Yeah I knew Jackie a long time ago. She liked me but I was all set with that�. HUH! So, Jamie told Smokey that and Smokey was like, �Oh that�s funny, they were together for like a year�. I knew Sean said that because I was overweight then (and not even as big as I got, I was like a size 18) and he is a cocksucker about that. Fat girls are �nothing�.
Look up the term �colossal prick� and you�ll see a picture of Sean RegisteredSexOffenderCrackheadLoser Groves. Yup, I wrote his real last name, I sure did. His real middle name is David. Asshole.
So, Dawn and I talked about him for like an hour? Maybe more. I was like, �Oh and then! He fucking started a fight with me and broke up with me the night before I graduated from high school and I couldn�t even enjoy that!�. And every other mean thing he ever did to me.
And Dawn just kept me up to speed on what a total loser drug addict he is. HA HA HA. My life ain�t perfect, but I�m way better off than him. I was so gloating. I still am. How come I couldn�t have seen this 17 years ago? The break up wouldn�t have been so hard if I�d known then what I know now.
I guess he�s still gorgeous. Dawn said he�s in awesome shape, big and muscly, six pack, yack yack yack. Amazing for a crackhead. Maybe he�s on the juice? Who knows. His only redeeming quality is his looks. That�s it. Once he opens his mouth, it�s all over. Well, he had a big dick, too. Just didn�t use it well. Only for his pleasure, if you know what I mean. One of them.
Seven fucking pages in Word. And I haven�t even gotten to Sunday yet.
Real quick. When I picked up Hilda Sunday morning, she started talking about myspace. Well, evidently, her mom won�t let her on there, so little miss thang went to her friends and got her own, behind her mom�s back. Well, I am all about helping her defy her mother if it�s innocent enough.
Ya know, I talked to the girl, and she understands now about predators on the internet. Her profile is private. She just wants to have fun with her friends, ya know?
Shauna is so fucked. She tries to act like she�s this concerned parent. Just not concerned enough to keep her daughter in counseling when she obviously needs it. AND! This is a woman who meets her men online, and who went to Canada and Illinois in one summer to meet people from online. And that was a total sex thing. She used to have this profile on Yahoo about being bisexual and shit.
She�s dumb. Anyway.
Yeah, me and Hilda really kinda bonded this weekend. She�s my friend on myspace now, too. With the parrot. But you can�t see much, it�s private.
Anyway. I gotta go. Beavis is all mopey and asking what time it is every five fucking seconds. Can�t see the clock without his glasses. Whatever. He must either want this thing, or he�s got a hot date.
Seven pages! Two hours! I�m not fucking editing this shit. Beavis will have a friggin aneurysm.
Pics next!!!