"Something very itchy is in my future. Sobs and creams, sobs and creams"

Um, anyone want a husband? He�s got some mileage but still kinda reliable, might need some work here and there, a �fixer-upper�, if you will.

Yeah. I know. You all know too much. No takers. I know, I know. FINE.

So, that part of my life hasn�t changed.

Working? LOVE IT. Granted, I�m still in training/orientation mode, and won�t be at my base of operations until at least next week, but so far I enjoy the company.

Of course, in my �small world living in the area I was born and raised in� kinda way, this credit union was founded through the company that my dad, my grandfather and my great-grandmother worked for forever. By family, I have a history with them. Also, my previous job, at a formerly competing credit union, helps as well. I almost feel at home.

This is what I heard today. �You�re personality is the perfect fit for the branch you�re going to work at. You�re really going to enjoy it�. And, this is the best: �I love your personality. You are so real and genuine, how can anybody not like you?�. This is the HR people telling me this.

Deflate ego now.

Also, if that wasn�t enough? The position I interviewed for last month? That I didn�t get? Called me back today to see if I was interested in a HIGHER position in their organization! I almost fainted. I really thought I blew that interview.

Anyway. I can go nowhere but up in the company I�m with now. If I don�t go management in a few years, I�m thinking lending and mortgages. I can do this. I don�t think I�ve ever taken a position where I already, upon employment, was able to have so much to talk about. I know they want to know about my last job, and what happened to that CU to get taken over by another. It was already expressed to me today, if they have the opp, they will take over a struggling CU. Unfortunately, the ones that were gonna go under at this time, have already. Wait till the next round.

Also, the woman who�s responsible for doing the training? Her daughter and Beavis were in the same kindergarten class. Small fucking world. The VP of HR? Worked with my dad. We were able to share stories of events that happened at that company over the last 30 years, and that was fucking awesome.

I�ve been drinking, so excuse me for being redundant. (In the dictionary, under redundant, it says �see redundant�. LOL. I stole that from Robin Williams).

I wrote in my last entry that I hadn�t seen Bo in a month. I saw him this weekend. I�m pretty sure I�m in love with him. Or, at the least, extremely, extremely infatuated. WTF? It doesn�t matter, they are both the same, right?

Just to get it out there, I LOVE HIM.

Moving on.

Friday was his birthday. I know! Ten days after mine. He turned 32. Which is young, but I�m patient. LOL. Anyway. Thursday Caroline called me. Said Amy had called her and said specifically that it was Bo�s bday and they were having people over and �call Jackie and tell her that�. HA HA, cuz if it�s mentioned that T-bo is going to be somewhere, Jackie will be. Um, abso-fuckin-lutely, Goddammit. So, the plan was, be at Amy & Rick�s around 7:30-8:00.

EXCEPT. Of course, that the guys (Rick, Bo, etc) took the day off of work and spent the day at their bar, �Backsluts�. LOL, I just made that up. Never been thee, no offense, never heard of any sluts there (and if there are they better keep their hands off Bo, I�m sayin), but I don�t want to put their real name here. Like it fucking matters.

Anyway. Onward and upward.

So, they were stuck there (quote unquote, LMAO), so we all said, we�ll go to the club and wait for them to wrap it up at Backsluts. The club is one block from Rick and Amy�s, so we could easily stumble there if need be.

Yeah. The fucking club. I go in there thinking, �I�m only going to drink beer tonight. No shots. I want to remember Bo on his birthday�. That�s what I tell myself, right? And I�m standing at the bar with Robert and he says it�s time for shots and I say, no thank you. Robert is like the Peer Pressure Poster Boy, I swear to effin G. �RELAX, Mama, you can take a cab home if you need to�. How do I say, �I�d like to be sober and give Bo a bday kiss�? Not with Daddy there.

So, 87568730 shots and five beers later, I guess we left the club. No recollection. We got to Rick and Amy�s and they had, shall we say, �special� brownies? And somehow, non-voluntarily, but not against my will, I ate about a quarter ounce of weed in one little slice of brownie.

Okay, you potheads, you know, it�s one thing to smoke it, another to eat it. NU-NIGHT for Dukkha. I remember nothing after that. Was Bo even there at that point? I can�t say.

Hub and I were sent to their spare room. Not the only ones sent to bed, btw.

Around 4:00 am, I had to pee. I got up, and I see Bo, in the living room, wide awake. What I left out is, Bo is INSANE. Last I�d heard, he�d done 32 shots for his birthday. Retarded. I was all, �Hey, you�re alive?�. I had to pee, though, as much as I love Bo, my bladder comes first.

He went into our room and gave Hub a hug. And then he says, �Can I snuggle up with you and Jackie?� to which I would have said, �YES�, but of course Hub said no. He�s no fun.

By the time I got out of the potty, Hub and Bo were in the living room. Hub on a chair, Bo on the couch. I took a seat on the floor next to Bo. Told him about my new job and asked about his birthday, his ex GF. Honestly, I felt like I was talking to someone very close, someone who felt close to me. Connec- TION (pronounced parlez vous francias, s�il vous plais, a la Dane Cook). Hub, most likely no clue, but again, not a total retard.

Anyway, Bo turned me on to a beer that was hidden in a shoe, and we smoked a bone. Hung out for roughly an hour, and then Hub said it was time for home. Big hugs goodbye. I always hug and even kiss the guys, but it�s always extra special for Bo. Of course. I love him.

Saturday was spent in slow mo. Also? �I LOVE BO�-mo. My head was so clouded with thoughts of Bo. I�d thought I�d left my purse at Rick and Amy�s, so I called Amy�s cell & left a message that �I left my life at your house and I can�t do ANYTHING� , and when she called back I determined, my husband is a tard and when I asked him to check the van for my purse, maybe he should have checked the backseat where I sat for the ride between the club and their house? Of course he didn�t and I didn�t double check, so of course it was there.

I mentioned that I had some unknown phone in the van. I thought it was this one guy Tom�s, who I call �Tom Suck My Balls� cuz the first time I knew his name, he said �suck my balls� to someone else and it stuck.

So, Saturday I made dinner and all (fucking amazingly enough), we cleaned up and just as we were done? Bo and Rick showed up. It was Bo�s brand new phone and Amy had said I found a phone, so they came to get it.

*sigh*

I love him.

Anyway. Four way conversation, and I said, �Oh, I spent my day out there�--pointing to my patio set out back--�reading a book�. Bo came right back, �I spent mine on various couches, his and mine�. We totally had our own conversation amidst Hub and Rick.

I love him. I�m telling you. Damn if it weren�t for me getting married to Hub, I�d be with Bo. It kills me to see him, because then I get like this, in Bo trip out mode. It makes me sad not to see him, but at least I get over this feeling.

*sigh*.

And that was a big one.

Dammit. Looking back at what I gave this diary name almost three years ago, �suffering desire�, it still fucking fits.

Shoot me now. Or pray that I end up with Bo somehow in the scheme of things.

Sayo-fucking-nara.

Listening to: "Mr Brightside" The Killers

Currently reading: Nothing right now but I finished "I know This Much Is True" in 5 days, bitches! 900 effin pages!

Thinking about: Bo, DUH.