No Funny Today
Well, whoopee-fuckin�-doo. Hub�s court date has been set. And it�s not the 6th as we�d anticipated. No, it�s next Tuesday and Wednesday, the 30th and 1st. Fuck. I really, really, really, REALLY don�t want to do this! I have to get on the stand and testify and that just sucks. Not that I�ve ever done it before. (Beavis has, not once, but twice, for a shooting he witnessed when he was 8. That was fun. He testified at the retard�s first trial when he was 9, then the fucker appealed and his first conviction was overturned, so Beavis got to go back and testify again last summer. I�ll have to tell that story sometime. Most interesting. But I digress).
The up-side to this (aside from it being OVER a week from today), is that Hub�s lawyer has him going over EVERYTHING. He has his big, fat Esther file and has been spending all his spare time going over stuff. As opposed to spending his spare time trying to get me off the computer or out of my book.
Me, I�m supposed to go over my statement to the police (which I hate to read because the cop who questioned me was a total fucking dickhead and thought I had somehow coached Daisy into saying shit and normally I dig cops but this guy was a prick. Can�t wait to see him next week) and my deposition (ever been deposed? Boy, you just haven�t lived if you haven�t. What a suck-ass way to spend a few hours). Unlike Hub, I�m not studying early. It�s just going to get me all wound up about this and I can think of better ways to spend my Thanksgiving weekend than all nerved up about this shit.
I�ll just do what I did in college and spend Monday night cramming like there�s no tomorrow. It worked for me back then.
Anyway. After my big write up yesterday, I spent the day thinking about what reason I could possibly have to break my husband�s heart and fuck up the kids� lives. I had to drive out to my dad�s to drop off his birthday present, and that�s a 45 minute drive each way. (Yey! 90 minutes with 5 kids strapped in, unable to move! It was great!) Strapped the yard apes in, popped in some Beasties and engaged �think� into overdrive.
We do have a good marriage. No bout a doubt it. We get along great, rarely fight, and work well together. The sex is great. He treats me and the kids well. He puts up with my shit, notably that few days a month when I�m PMS pyscho bitch from hell. We�ve built a good life together and will be building more, especially in the next few years if his business takes off. I wouldn�t be where I am now without him, nor would he be where he is without me.
So, what the fuck is wrong with me?
People don�t cheat unless something is wrong in the marriage. So, I thought a lot about what could be wrong. Suffice it to say, when I go looking for negative crap, I sure come up with a bunch.
No doubt, I love Hub. He is a good man. I could go into his character flaws in detail, but I won�t, for the most part. We all have them, and I�m sportin� a wad of �em myself. But, I find, there is something missing.
When I got together with him, I knew he was someone I wanted to be with. I found him attractive and almost exactly what I�ve wanted in a man, for the most part. But I never had that thing with him. That infatuated, head over heels, can�t stop thinking about him kinda feeling with him. I obsessed some, but not like I�d been with other men in the past. (ie: the one that got away ). And while I�m aware that that shit doesn�t last very long anyway, I wonder if that�s what�s missing?
And then I moved onto the intellectual side of things. I will not say that Hub is stupid, because he�s not. There�s a brain in that head. However, he is not the sharpest tool in the shed either. He�s a product of his raisin�, or, more accurately, the lack thereof. He has learning disabilities that were never really addressed when he was a kid, and it affects him to this day. He has problems with reading and spelling. He graduated high school, but due to his LDs, they stuck him in a few SPED classes and instead of teaching him anything, they just did the work for him. He didn�t learn shit. So, he�s slightly uneducated. And sometimes I find myself wanting to be around someone who doesn�t need me to read things to him or tell him how to spell shit, or someone who can balance his own checkbook, or someone who knows the difference between Democrats and Republicans besides �not greedy bastards� and �greedy bastards�.
You know, not like I�m the smartest person on the face of the planet or anything. I�m not claiming that. My dad is really smart. He�s the kinda guy who just sucks up information. If I need to know something and can�t find it myself, I�ll call my dad. It would be nice to have a guy around like that. It sucks being the brains of the operation all the time.
Not that his lack of book smarts has hurt us any. Hub is a money-making machine. He�s very good at what he does, and he busts his ass. He drums up business like you read about. He loves to work, too. He�ll work 7 days a week and not bitch about it at all, cuz he enjoys it so much. However, he might be the money-maker, but once he has that money, he can�t handle it. He has no money-management skills whatsoever. He�s a spender. When we first got together, he wasn�t paying all his child support or the mortgage on his house. Granted, he was going through a difficult divorce and things were tough financially, but he was still buying take-out food left and right and buying me flowers and jewelry (trust me, I wasn�t asking for this shit and had I known more about his financial situation at the time, I�d have insisted on his not spending money like that). And his checkbook? Scares the shit out of me. Doesn�t understand the concept. �I can�t have no money, I�ve got checks!�. I had to take his debit card on my account away because he spent the cash I had for bills and groceries more than once.
Like I said, the sex is fantastic. I really have nothing to complain about there. There is nothing he won�t do, and some things I�d never wanted done before that he�s turned me onto. On my period? If it�s not the first day or two, he don�t care. He�s earned his redwings more than once. He�s a pussy eating fool. He could be bigger, though. Dick was hung like a horse, and Hub is literally half the man in that department. He certainly more than makes up for it. But. Damn. Sometimes I miss having a nice huge cock inside me.
I was kind of quiet with Hub for a bit last night. I�d look at him and think about the shit that�s going on in my head and just think how the fuck can I even think these things, never mind put them into play. He thought I was pensive about the trial.
And it�s not that Yahoo man is extra special or anything. He�s cute and charming with a brain in his head and he�s attracted to me. Pretty much, I guess that�s what it takes. If not him, then someone else would come along eventually.
It�s got to be me. Something is wrong with me. That�s what it is. Here, I�ve got this rockin� marriage and things are going well in my life for a change. So why not fuck it all up to hell?
Whatever. I�ve got to get off my ass. Today I�m making meat stuffing for tomorrow. Meat stuffing is yummy French-Canadian food. French-Canadians are really good at coming up with ways to block arteries. Ground pork, hamburg, bread stuffing, potatoes all in one. To die for. I�m using leaner meat, but it�s still going to be an artery clogging good time.
No funny today.
Happy Thanksgiving!!!!