"...ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life".
I just saw this on Yahoo. WTF? Who the hell kills little girls? I don�t get it.
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS NOTHING BUT PISSING AND MOANING ABOUT THE SAD STATE OF MY LIFE AT THIS MOMENT.
I am just not a frickin� happy camper at the moment. Hence the second entry today. I am just so fucking sick of everything to do with my husband. I am certain the business is doomed to fail, only because he will find a way to fuck it up.
We have bills to pay, ie; materials, equipment, insurance. Not too mention payroll, which fortunately so far we have managed to pay. Hub decided last week, when he was down guys, to start three jobs at once, instead of doing one, finishing it and starting another. No, he has to have three going at once plus his mowing and shit. He has clients who haven�t paid, and he hasn�t made any effort to collect an initial payment from anyone. We agreed he�d get half up front for cleanups and walls and whatever, pretty much everything except the mowing. And he hasn�t made any effort to do so. And we are unable to pay any bills and while we will make payroll for the week, that�s not including our�s. Which I�m sorry, but I ain�t fucking doing this shit for free. It�s far too fucking aggravating.
He has excuses for everything and I�m so sick of them. They all start with, �But I need�. You have no idea how that simple phrase, or anything similar to it, makes my blood boil. I�m at the point where I don�t give a fuck what he needs. His �needs� are the fucking source of nothing but problems for me. He is the only person in the world.
I�m just as happy to not hear from him all day, and to have him show up at 9:00 at night. Heck, he can make it 10:00 for all I fucking care. Until recently, I wanted to hear from him if he was going to be late, at least let me know. Now? I don�t care. I don�t say anything when he comes in. I was even a little put off yesterday, when I learned he was planning on spending the day here. WTF? Go work or something. Just go.
Last Thursday, he came home around 9:00. Whatever. I was tired, being that I had a full load of kids that day, etc, etc. No sooner did he walk in the door than he called Aunt Shirley, who�d called for him earlier. Aunt Shirley only calls for two things, yard work or to deal with something involving Millie, my wonderful mother in law (It�s really �Earline� if you wanted to know. Isn�t that perfect?). Sure enough, they got into it about Millie. I heard his side of it until I went upstairs to go to bed. He came up after half an hour or so on the phone, ready to make me listen to his grief. He opened the bedroom door, and I was sitting on the floor in front of the bed, smoking and watching tv, and he started to say something, and I said:
�I know, Aunt Shirley called and gave you shit about your mom. I�m really not in the mood to hear it, if you don�t mind, it�s been a long day and I�ve had enough problems thank you�. End of story. I don�t even want to hear about his day. I don�t care.
What�s worse is, I am so sick of being ignored and not listened to, that the littlest example of it will piss me off like nothing else. And I don�t even get yelling and screaming mad anymore, I just shut the fuck up and leave. Last night I ate supper in my room, alone, because I could not bear the thought of eating with him and Butthead because they can�t possibly listen to a word I say. So fuck them.
Yesterday really irritated me. Like really, really, really irritated me. With all that I fucking do, and I didn�t even get a card, no one even thought about Mother�s Day for one second. Except my little sweeties Minnie and Mickey. I�d have to excuse the boys too, cuz kids are thoughtless like that, but my husband, the man who is supposedly so worried about losing me, couldn�t even think to get me a stinking fucking card?
Maybe I�m making a mountain out of a molehill. But actions speak louder than words. And it�s not just that. I mean, fuck it, if things were going well I could have just dealt with not being acknowledged on Mother�s Day, whatever. But piled on top of all the other fucking shit, it doesn�t help much.
I�m pissed about my tax return, I�m pissed about the insurance thing from a few weeks ago, I�m just pissed. And I�m scared. I�m scared he�s going to fuck up the business in a big way. And it�s going to affect me directly. What the fuck was I thinking?
I�m so overwhelmed with this business, another load of money problems to worry about, that I�m just shutting down. I�m shutting down in life too. I�m not calling people much, if at all, I just don�t want to talk to anyone. I�ll just start going off about all my problems and I just hate burdening people with them. That�s why I have this diary.
Yeah, Smokey called today and I was all content to listen to his story about accidentally getting drunk last night (you gotta love when that happens), and then one thing led to another and I spent 30 frickin minutes bitching about Hub. He totally got into it, too, saying how good Hub has it with me, how this business would not be if it weren�t for me doing all the office shit, how he needs to slow the fuck down and get his head out of his ass.
And that�s not something Smokey and I do much, talking about MY problems.
I�m making a pork roast in the crock again. I got a killer piece of meat for cheap the other day. But damn it stinks my house up. It reminds me of the people we used to live upstairs from, she cooked some stinky ass shit. I used to burn incense in every room just to get rid of the stench. I swear all she cooked was boiled onions and cabbage.
I�m so hoping Dick takes the kids this weekend, even for a little while. I�m telling you, I will just pick a bar and start drinking. Or maybe I�ll find Smokey and go over one of his friend�s houses with him. Or the bar. Whatever. Just let me get out without having to worry about the kids, because I�m telling you, they�re safer and will actually get some attention with Dick. He�s an ass but I trust him with the kids, even after all this time. At least for the weekend or a few hours. Oh and I can�t say that I would take great pleasure in letting Hub know he has to take care of Daisy himself. Not that I mind taking care of her, but he�s got a built in babysitter that he totally takes for granted.
Smokey says he thinks Hub is comfortable now, which I think is true. If he were to take the time to find out what�s really going on with me, he�d find that he has absolutely no reason to be comfortable right now. But, listening to me would be admitting that he is not the only person in the world and that would shatter his little ego, I fear.
Oh yeah and thoughts of cheating fill my head constantly again. I saw one of my fans from the credit union this morning at Wally World and he was far too happy to see me. And I thought, it would be way too easy to hook up with this guy. But, I just think about it. A lot, I�ll admit it. I�m not acting on it.
Andrea taught me how to say �Give kisses� in French to baby Colin, and now Minnie and I keep saying it to him. I don�t know how to spell it, but it sounds like �don day bek� and he keeps coming over with his little mouth wide open. Little one year old open mouth kisses are great. He�s great fun, and the best thing is, he goes back home every night!
Gotta go work on the rest of din.
Ciao!