"Hey boy, hey boy! Lookin' mighty good in them jeans. Come over here and fuck me in the ass! Grrr! Grr! Don't stop or I'll clench up my butt cheeks and rip off your dick!"
I wish I could say anything�s improved, but nothing has. We didn�t speak for two days, until last night. And then, it wasn�t really much except for �Bring me home a six pack, and pick up some blunts, please� from me, and �Here�s some money� from him. For what? Who knows. Whatever.
Then I sat down this morning to do the mow billing. A month�s worth of mowing to bill out for like 20 something customers. And of course, it�s always fucked up, dates are missing, mows aren�t written down even if they were done. I go through it every month and it�s always the same shit. No matter how much I say, �Fill out the dates when they�re mowed�. No matter how frustrated I get, to the point where I�m absolutely ranting and bitching up a storm, it�s always the same shit.
Remember when I said I�d be that impatient boss that freaks if the is aren�t dotted and the t�s aren�t crossed? Yeah, well, I meant that. And it�s true.
So, to add to my steadily growing frustration and irritation with this shit, the first fucking mow I bill out is fucked. Apparently not mowed for two weeks straight? I called Hub and asked him. �No, they�ve been mowed every week�. Well, according to the mow list, they were not for the first two weeks of July, because nothing is written down. And if I don�t have a date, I don�t bill it. So now we�re out $180 for two mows because his fucking dumbass know it all fucking bonehead of a kid can�t write down the fucking date.
I�m just so sick of it. I�m sick of it all. And it was just something little, I suppose, depending on how you look at it, but I lost it and reamed Hub a new ass. He said, �Just put it aside and I�ll look at it�. Oh, yeah, when, at 8:30 tonight? No. Sorry. I do this work when I can, when it�s early and I�m most alert, cuz I�m a morning person. And because it�s Saturday, and I have no other people�s kids, and because sometimes I want to enjoy my day and if that means I spend the entire afternoon getting drunk and stoned all by myself then that�s what I�m gonna do.
Because lately, my best friend is Al. Alcohol. He is always there for me. He never fucks me over anymore than I do to myself. And I realize I am developing a problem with it. I�m all too aware of that fact.
�Oh well you can do it tomorrow�. Um. Hi? I just have all these free days to do whatever I want? No. Tomorrow I am spending the majority of my day dropping Beavis off at camp, which is a freaking hour away and a huge production. And you knew that.
I know I should see a therapist. I know that. But with no health insurance, it�s tough. I just can�t afford it. Besides, they�ll put a big push on for anti-depressants and I just refuse to take them. I wouldn�t argue with a prescription for some Clonipins or Valium, however. But, anyway, yeah, I�m broke enough as it is without having to pay $100 an hour for a therapist.
Part of me wishes he�d just die. But, I tried that strategy with Dick and I even prayed for his death, to no avail. He�s still alive. I guess God doesn�t like those prayers. (Eddie Murphy: �God please kill her I hate her I hate her I hate her�).
This is just depressing so I think I�m going to end it now. I started this day out just fine, and I�m wearing the cutest skirt that I�ve had for a year but never wore it until the other day and now I want to wear it all the time, and other than mow billing, my only plan for the day was to take the kids swimming later. Now. I just want to lay down and do nothing.
Anyway. Fortunately for me, my little Mickey just loves me so much, he keeps coming up and kissing me and hugging me and telling me he loves me. I can�t hate that. Not one bit.
So, I�m going back into my �avoidance� mode, going into �denial� about everything, and I�ll also �repress� my anger for the day so at least the kids don�t have to watch me be a raving lunatic or a depressed pile of shit.
Anyway. I hope that the next time I write, I can at least be funny and not such a whine ass.
Ciao. =)
Listening to: "Live Like You Were Dying" TIm McGraw. I'm listening to Mike "We Play Everything" for a change. Currently reading: "My Life" Bill Clinton Thinking about: Breakfast.