"Now let's cut the stupid cake because I know the fat guy's gonna have a heart attack if we don't eat again soon. And while we do that here's a little mood music for you".
Hi.
So, the wedding was a blast. I had a lot of fun. Of course, the phrase �drunken ass� would have been very fitting of me. The fact that most of my cousins could be described this way is comforting. I do believe it�s the first time we�ve all gotten together and gotten that smashed. It was great.
I don�t see my cousins as much as I should. We don�t do holidays very much anymore. Which is stinky. And we went over this at the wedding. Over and over again.
I have one cousin, Russ. He�s the oldest out of all of us, he has like 8 years on me. I don�t know why, but the past few years, me and cousin Russ have clicked. I believe that we can be labeled the family�s functional drunks. We had so much fun.
My cousin Laurie, Russ�s sister, who never drinks, called me Saturday morning (and I was still in bed, at 9:30 am and while I wasn�t puking or had a headache, I was certainly not in prime form at all. Even when I sleep late, I�m out of bed by 7:30) and told me that what happened at the wedding stays at the wedding. HAHA, Laurie! I have a camera with 178 reasons why that�s not happening! And the pictures are hilarious. Various cousins shaking their asses on the dance floor. Awesome.
Oh and my two aunts got pretty hammered, too. The only reason my dad (their brother) didn�t is because, well, he doesn�t drink.
Oh, and being 10 lbs over goal did not stop everybody from telling me how great I look. Of course, the stupid figure shaping pantyhose I crammed my fat ass into helped a great deal. Oh! And I barely ate, too. I was too much into drinking to really eat. I ate some steak and stuffed chicken breast and my veggies. I didn�t even have any cake, which I regretted when I saw the pics I took of it cuz it looked delicious. My cousin Aimee is a gourmet pastry chef and made two very swanky cakes. They did that thing with the chocolate syrup drizzled on the plate and a sliver of chocolate. Fancy shit.
Here is why I refer to myself as a drunken ass. Example Number One: These two dark skinned guys were there. Both were very attractive, but one I found particularly hot. I thought they were Indian and immediately thought, �Hey! Kumar!�. (Cuz I�m an idiot, ok?). So what did I do? Went right up to them and said hi and began asking them if they were of Indian descent. Who the fuck does that? Of course, they were not. They are from the Dominican Republic. Oh, hot Spanish guys! And the accent, holy fuck, the accent! They said that people think that a lot. Of course, I do not remember either of their names (that information was gone from my head the second he told me) and I kept calling the particularly hot one �Kumar�, despite the fact that he was not from India. Fortunately, these guys did not hate me, and they let me take pictures of them, even.
Anyway, on to Example Number Two of my drunken ass-ness. My cousin Jamie married this woman Deb. They already have two kids and decided, you know, wtf, let�s get hitched. So, two years ago, was Deb�s baby shower for their first kid. At said baby shower, there was one girl there dressed in a totally formal prom type gown, with her hair all up like she was a bridesmaid or something. Who knows, maybe she came from a wedding. Anyway, my cousin Laurie and I were all catty about her like, �A little overdressed for a baby shower� and shit. Plus she�s thin and pretty so that just multiplies the cattiness on our behalf.
Well, Minnie was four at the time and took one look at this woman and was enamored. She thought she was a princess. And it was so cute, the way she looked at this woman like she was a princess, and I had to end the cattiness with that because how could I be catty about a princess, right?
I never gave that another thought. The same girl showed up at the wedding and I recognized her immediately. This time, she wasn�t dressed as a princess but more like a high-end hooker. The dress she had on, I can�t even describe it. And high, high, HIGH stiletto heels. Like �ouch� high. But, she looked nice, not trashy (like a low-end hooker). Anyway, as I was chatting away with the hot Indian Spanish guys, she came over, and I immediately began telling her the story about how Minnie thought she was a princess. I even included the bit about our cattiness. And she loved it! I don�t remember her name, either, I just kept calling her Fairy Princess.
Yeah. Drunken Ass. And this drunken ass took a million self-portraits, but I think my favorite one is of me in the loo. Classic. Oh, I�m peeing, I must take my picture! Just my face, though.
My cousin Jamie is Korean. I�ll bet you didn�t know there was Asian in my family�s gene pool, did ya? Unfortunately, it ends with Jamie. He was adopted. My aunt and uncle tried and tried and tried to have a kid but couldn�t, so they adopted a baby from Korea. Guess what happened two years later? My aunt got pregnant. And the year after that? Pregnant again. Anyway, Jamie�s wife is not Asian. And their kids are fucking stunning.
I�m not going to put any pics up of the wedding on Flickr, too much incriminating stuff, but I might post some here. But first I have to install the Kodak software because that�s the only way I know to resize pictures for my diary. And that�s just not happening right this second.
This Napster thing is ruining me, btw. I always thought it was a neat little factoid about myself that I�d never heard NIN �Closer� un-edited. Never once, since the tune came out (in, what, 1992? 93?) did I actually hear the lyrics, �I want to fuck you like an animal� with the word �fuck� in them. Until last week, when I out the explicit version on my play list. Yup. I�m listening to it right now. I�m ruined. My virgin ears have been soiled forevermore.
Yeah. Like any part of me is virgin. Actually, my hair is. For now. My girlfriend Cheryl does my hair (like, the one time a year I get a cut) and calls it virgin hair because it hasn�t been permed or colored in about 13 years. Yeah, and that�s gonna change soon, because greys are popping out more and more lately and I just don�t groove on the having grey hair thing. It�s sexy on men, but not me. I will not grow old gracefully, I intend to fight it every step of the way. (Boy, that would make a nice commercial, wouldn�t it? Except someone already did it).
Ah, life beckons. I must bid adieu.
Till next time, TTFN!