"The bus is outta control. So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus."
I am going to try and zip this entry out this morning before I start my day from hell. I will be attempting to write this between doing hair, a trip to the bus stop, dealing with early morning Mickey (a real treat at times, let me tell ya), and making breakfast. I hate doing It this way, because when I lose my focus I�m like an idiot, but I�ll give it a shot.
First, I don�t think I�ve ever gotten as many comments on any entry I�ve ever written than I did yesterday. If only Beavis knew how many people out there cared about his ball sack. It�s touching, really. Thanks to all for your concern and well wishes.
To reward you, I�ll give you the verdict, but only more like the way I got it. I mean, I could just say right here and now that it�s really good news, really bad news or something in between, but that would be denying you all the EXPERIENCE. And how could I do that to y�all?
(A note: Early morning Mickey is up, and it�s a pissy morning. Yey! Just wait til he hears that we are going to volunteer at Minnie�s school this morning).
Anyway. So, I made an appointment for him at 4:30 yesterday afternoon with the kids� pediatrician, Linda. She rocks. Another reason I�m glad we got an appointment with her: her specialty is adolescents, although i do think she�s pretty darn good with the little ones too, but anyway.
I had Colin and Makayla, so I had to take them with as well as Minnie and Mickey. Mickey was being a demon child yesterday, too. A defiant little shit. He did not suspend this behavior when it was time to go to the doctor�s. What a treat.
When we got there, Beavis was fairly cool. He had kinda let go of the worrying about cancer. When they called him in, he went alone, as was the plan. Because, Beavis told me yesterday, he is not going to whip his balls out in front of his mom. It�s just not right, he said.
A few minutes later, I could hear Linda on the phone in her office, and I knew it was about Beavis. She called me alone into the office hallway and the look on her face alone was concerning.
�Have you seen this thing?!?� she asked.
�He won�t let me see it� I said.
She went on to describe it to me. She said the regular ball was normal size, but the big one was about the size of a deformed tennis ball, maybe bigger, and hard.
�He says this has been going on for a year and I find that hard to believe. I�m sending him for an ultrasound right now, I have no idea what this is at all and I�m not taking any chances�, she said.
Great! Wonderful! The ped has no idea what this is, she�s looking like her kid�s balls are the ones blown up, she�s so worried. She was worried? Now, at this point, I�m thinking, that�s it! Beavis has elephantitis of the nuts and he�s going to be a freak of nature and he�ll never meet a nice girl and fall in love and have babies and my poor little boy! Oh and it�s probably because of all the shit that I did when I was pregnant with him the first few months and even though I did quit smoking cigarettes within a month of being pregnant because it made me so sick, I spent all that time with smokers and secondhand smoke and now not only did it turn my baby into an ADHD hyper-spaz but now he�s got elephantitis and maybe it�s because that first weekend when I was pregnant and we went out to Illinois and I did that acid and ephedrine and the drinking of the cheap beer (Milwaukee�s Best, The Beast, Quanity NOT Quality), and here I thought I was in the clear year�s ago with him and now he�s going to have a freak sized ball sack forever.
I�m nothing if not neurotic, yo!
Anyway, I had to make quick arrangements with Andrea to meet me in Radiology at the hospital, which fortunately is two seconds from the credit union (misnomer, St Mary�s might say they�re a credit union but they are a BANK) where she works. And then we headed over.
BY this time, Beavis is all worried again. Evidently, Linda�s entire demeanor changed drastically when she saw his big ball and she said, �We need to send you for an ultrasound right now� to him. She assured him it most likely wasn�t cancer because he�d probably be dead by now if it was, but she wanted to know what the hell It was.
(I don�t know why, but my stupid virus-infected computer keeps capitalizing �i�s and it�s making me insane. This thing is so stupid and slow and It�s a challenge just to write this crap so bear with me but if you must you can go ahead and make fun of my typos).
So. The waiting room in Radiology was fun, fun, fun! Only, not. The kids were just acting like ASS on a stick. Mickey especially. Plus I still had Colin and gee if you�ve ever been to a waiing room with a one and a half year old boy you know the kind of fun I was having. Until I just made him sit on my lap because I�m sure the others in the waiting room were going to get really fed up with �Colin, no!� every five seconds.
And of course what happens when we sit down, but Mickey, Minnie and Makayla all had to go potty. Fuckers. So I had to drag them up to the only bathroom I knew of, one floor up. Who do I see there but my old friend Scottie. It�s so funny but I bump into him in the most fucked up places. Like at the hospital when my kid needs his sack examined. Or at the courthouse.
Anyway, I got back to the waiting room and poor Beavis was sitting there crying. He was so scared. And he�s too big for me to just give a big hug to and make it all better. Not that I didn�t try, mind you.
They actually got him in pretty fast, the wait was about 20 minutes. Which is good when you HAVE an appointment, never mind being �worked in�.
I tried to call Hub over and over, there was no getting in touch with him. As usual, whenever I really NEED to talk to him, he�s out of reach. I was making plans in my head for an overnight hospital stay and surgery in the morning. Seriously, after the whole Mickey�s heart experience, I have come to always expect the worst in these situations.
Thirty very aggravating minutes later, Beavis came out a different boy. All smiles.
�Mom! I don�t have cancer! It�s just fluid build up. I�m going to need minor surgery but I don�t have cancer!� he said.
YAY! The tech had asked that we stay there until she could get in touch with Linda. She came back out in few minutes and gave us the green light to go.
Of course, after all my aggravation with all those kids for an hour (by now it�s 6:00), we walked out of Radiology and into the hall and there was Andrea coming to get her kids. She was all questions, like, okay, why the fuck am I picking my kids up at the hospital?
When we got back to the van, Linda called my cell. She�s so funny. She said, �well, we dodged a bullet�, and explained that he has a type of hernia, only instead of it being bits of intestine, it�s fluid. He�ll need minor surgery and she told me to call Nashua Urology and set it up and then to call the office with the date of the first appointment for the referral. And then she said, and I quote, �Tell him don�t ever do that to me again!�.
I think between me, Linda and the ultrasound tech, we got the point across that it�s NOT GOOD to put this kinda stuff off. He was just so embarrassed. Which is understandable, especially considering his age.
Which reminds me. After yesterday�s experience, it is now OKAY to discuss Beavis�s ginormous nut openly. So thanks for keeping the secret, and crossing your heart and hoping to die sticking a needle in your eye, I appreciate it very much.
Anyway, I have to go. Time to make the copies. Mickey Is thrilled to bits, let me tell ya!
Adios!