"What the heck are you guys doin'? Tryin' to ruin my life and make me look like a freakin' idiot?"
Let�s try a real update here today, shall we?
So. I weighed in. Eleven pounds over goal, and up five from the last weigh in. This is actually good news, as I�d expected at least 15 pounds over goal, and very likely would have been the case had I gone to weigh in last week or the week before. So, I attempt again to get back on track with my intentions well known around here that I will be returning back to weekly weigh-ins. As I sit here woofing down a banana and sucking down a glass of water.
Still no angry make up sex. It�s just not happening. Sorry. When it does, it�ll just be sex sex. Like a cheese pizza. No toppings, nothing exciting.
Okay, what I�m about to write about now is a BIG SECRET, okay? I have been sworn to secrecy about this, but I figure since you guys (well, most of you, anyway) don�t really know the boy, it really doesn�t count. But, cross your heart and hope to die, stick a needle in your eye anyway, okay?
Beavis was all bummed out yesterday. I tried to ask him what was wrong, but he wasn�t giving it up. I let him know that if he needed to talk, I�d be there for him. Then I went to Nina�s a smoked up a big ol� blunt. THEN the boy calls me on my cell asking me to come home because he wants to talk to me. It�s the definitive Beavis style, wait until mom is stoned out of her gourd to drop a bomb on her.
He was upset when I got home. He was having a hard time spitting it out and started crying. The last time this happened, the bomb was BIG. Like, I never wrote about it here because it was so damn big. Like, atomic big. Anyway, he assured me it was nothing about being in trouble, nobody did anything, yadda yadda yadda.
So, WTF? Spit it out. Finally he did. �I think I have cancer, mom!�. I said, �Where?� even though by this time, I had an idea. �My balls!� he said. It seems as though one of them is larger than the other one. How much larger, I don�t know, because since he was about 6 years old, Beavis has been the king of modesty and won�t let anyone see It. So, of course, he wasn�t going to show me yesterday.
He says this has been going on for a year or so. It just started getting bigger gradually and then stopped but is still �a lot� bigger than the other one.
Well, he did some research in the internet yesterday and found out it could be cancer. The kid has been a wreck ever since. I must add, this comes one fucking day after we had a conversation about Lance Armstrong and bike riding and I made a joke about ball cancer. When the fuck do I ever joke about ball cancer? Just that one time, I swear! (BTW, the joke was simply that bike riding must be really good for you because Lance Armstrong beat ball cancer and I guess he rides a lot).
Hub came home and saw him all a wreck and wanted to know what was up, and because Beav had sworn me to secrecy, I didn�t say. And, of course, being that Hub is the center of the universe, he automatically thought it was about him or Butthead. Get over yourself, hero.
I finally told Hub later on. Swearing him to absolute secrecy, of course. He said, and I quote directly, �If anything, he should have told me, cuz I�m a guy, and I could take a look at it�. I laughed out loud into his face. First of all, I�m a chick, but I most certainly can look at balls just as well as you. I�ve seen enough in my day, that�s for sure. Also, hello! Have you met Beavis? You know, the one who disowned us the day you pantsed him and I saw his balls? (Which, they looked fine then but that was from behind). Nobody is going to look at those balls except members of the medical community and that�s that.
I made him an appointment at the pediatrician this afternoon. Fortunately, it�s with Linda, whom Beavis is comfortable with. I think that we won�t be getting any answers today, only a referral to a urologist. Yey, more fucking doctors appointments. The bane of my freakin� existence.
But the kid is still convinced he has cancer. All the research I did online pointed to other conditions, like fluid build up (he should jerk off more?) or blood vessel type stuff, but every where I looked recommended medical attention ASAP just in case of testicular cancer, which I guess hits mainly young men. I pray that�s not it, but Beavis cannot stop worrying about it.
�What if I have cancer, Mom?�
�Will you stop worrying about that? Let�s just wait and see what the doctor says�
�But what If it�s cancer?�
�Then we�ll deal with it if it happens�
The poor kid is a mess. I feel so bad for him.
Other than that, nothing much else to report on. I have an hour and a half left of freedom until Colin and Makayla get here. I may ass well get some shit done, or fuck off. I haven�t decided which yet. But, seeing as I haven�t even been to dland this AM, something tells me I�ll probably have a red red red buddy list and that fucking off will prevail.
Oh, and don�t forget! It�s a SECRET. Loose lips sink ships!
Ciao, baby.