"We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly."
Yeah. If you bet that I had to change my panties after writing that last entry, you�d have bet correctly. I have done nothing but think about Mike since I wrote it. And for those of you wanting details...okay, I�ll share them. But in a minute.
Another reason why I think I�m a bad person. I just say this shit now and don�t even care. Hub went with Hilda to her counseling appointment on Saturday. Then he told her he�d take her this weekend coming up. Yay. What a treat. Then, he talked to Robert yesterday and he wants to get into the club that Robert is a member of, and new member sign up is this Saturday so he has to go. Which, I�m fine with (the club rules, cheap drinks and lots of old friends, I�m all about Hub getting in), except the whole sticking me with Hilda bit. Sorry, but don�t stick me with her while you go to the bar. Fuck that. I am totally keeping my distance from her now. Daddy wants to see you, then Daddy can stay home with you. It�s one thing when he has to work, but the bar? Come ON. I, personally, while I won�t tell her this, don�t want to see her. It gives me less blame in her little pity party. I actually told him that if he�s going to the bar, she can stay home. It�s a non-Daisy weekend, and that�s my weekend �off� ,and please don�t stick me with the kid that I have to watch everything I say and do around. Fuck that. I�ll admit that as her step-mother I guess I have some part in her life, but I wasn�t there when her big problems were being created and I don�t want to be to blame for any of those. I have enough kids to atone for fucking up their lives without adding her, thanks.
But. I�m not so bad, cuz I got a special gift via UPS (or FedEx, one of those, I missed the truck) from a special friend . I love it! Maybe when I have a million hours to upload a photo, I�ll share it with y�all. A framed four leaf clover. Love it! =) And my dear? I lust after Bill Maher purely for his intelligence. I love it. And I could sleep with him on account of it.
I mentioned yesterday that Hub listened to me the other night when I went off about my mom. I don�t even know how it came up, but I told him that one of the things that�s been bothering me has been my mom. How she was 35 when she got sick, and how I�m 35 right now. He took this to mean that I thought I was worried about getting sick and dying now. I know I won�t get sick like my mom did. For one, I avoid the fuck out of flu shots. For two, the contaminated batch was a pretty freak occurrence. I hope. The whole thing was a freak occurrence.
Anyway, so he interjects (his specialty) about that, and I cut him off. Telling him that it�s not so much about me dying on my kids, but rather recurring grief about her death. I told him I was pissed about he whole thing, and how that�s a stage of grieving and how I haven�t really been through that phase at all. But here I am fucking pissed about it, about my not having a mom, about how my kids are cheated out of their grandmother, about how she sat there like a vegetable for three years and WHAT THE FUCK!
Of course, I was bawling like a baby during this. And how different my life would have been, how different I would have been, and think about how different Ned would have been if it hadn�t happened. How we all got fucked and in the end, she obviously was the one who suffered the most. How much did she know about what was going on? Maybe she was there in mind, sitting there for three years and not being able to even move a little bit. It pisses me off.
Amazingly, Hub listened. Not only did he listen, but he understood, and he even cried a little bit.
Then he subject of what happens to my kids if I die came up. It�s a big worry of mine. Beavis is no worry, he�s not going to move to Ohio to live with Rod, he�d automatically go to my dad. No question. Dick can�t take care of himself, much less the little kids. I need to have a will saying that I want the kids to go to someone other than him, but that�s not a guarantee that the courts will follow my wishes. In NH, custody is instantly transfers to the other parent in the event of death. He�d have to be proven unfit, which wouldn�t be hard, as he is, but who�s going to do that for my kids? Hub says he will, but who knows.
It�s my wish that my kids go to my dad. I told Hub this, and he was a bit upset by that. But, after we talked about it a bit, he understood where I was coming from. My dad is just a few years away from retirement, so he�d be available more for the kids. Hub would have to work even more if I died. And? I saw how he took care of Butthead and Hilda on his own, and I don�t want that for my kids. I said, �Hub, if you were going to be retiring, that�d be one thing, but you�re not.� You�ll work even more and my kids will end up being raised by whatever bitch you happen to find. Considering some of his other choices, I�m not with that.
Anyway, for once he knows my true feelings on something and understands and accepts them. Major milestone, my friends.
Of course, Plan A involves me *not dying*. I told Hub that I just have to hang in for the next fifteen years. I�d like twenty, but fifteen will do. I also said, in all honesty, that I would sell my soul to the devil if it guaranteed my being on this planet for the next fifteen years. So, Satan, if you�re reading, that�s a serious offer. I mean, I�ve pretty much got my first class ticket down to hell anyway, so what�s the big deal with just making sure I�m on a later flight?
Back to Dick. Honestly. If he were to think that he could raise the kids in the event of my death, he�s only fooling himself. Won�t happen, and I don�t even see him contesting a will about it. Of course, you never know, but that�s what I think. He took the kids to sleep over his house for the first time in four years last week, and they haven�t heard from him since, even though he promised the kids he�d take them this past weekend, too. He didn�t even show up at Sunday School or even call. Too much pressure, I guess.
And this is the guy I gave up my favorite fuck buddy for! I know, what the fuck! Was I thinking?
Okay, so a couple of things I neglected to mention about Mike. Number one, I forgot to mention how well we got along. We were like, friends. Seriously. I was really comfortable hanging out with him. We could say whatever we wanted to each other, and it was cool. That was the best part. Crazy as he was, I totally understood where he was coming from. I can�t even explain how he was out of his mind, he just was.
Number two, I said he was the only guy I ever let fuck me in the ass. That�s kind of untrue. He was the FIRST guy I ever let fuck me in the ass, and the only one who was successful at it. I tried with Dick, but he was just too big. Hub has tried a few times (he takes advantage of me when I�m drunk), but he can�t do it, either. Probably we need some KY or something, but guess what? Mike didn�t need any of that. He just knew what he was doing.
So, the details, for you and you. Piggy girls.
How did he convince me to do it? I have no idea. Part of the whole �black out� thingamajiggy. It wasn�t something I was ever really interested in back then at all. As a matter of fact, I thought it was pretty disgusting. Except. I�d been with this guy a few years before who liked to play with my ass during sex and I really liked that.
All I know is, Mike was really into anal. I swear, he�d have taken it up the ass himself, he was that kinda guy. And somehow or another, he talked me into it. Or maybe he just stuck his cock right into my drunk ass, who knows.
It did not hurt. Of course, remember that first time, I was pretty much feeling no pain. Any subsequent time didn�t hurt, either. He really knew what he was doing. It felt really good, as a matter of fact, and I did like it. It reminded me of the guy before that played with my ass. Plus? That was just some naughty shit, man. Naughty is good. At least, I think so.
And his dick! How could I have not mentioned his dick? I loved it. One of my favorites. And lord knows I have a large base to draw from. He wasn�t any bigger than average, maybe 5 or 6 inches? But it was always ready and nice to look at , too.
I went to sleep thinking about him last night and woke up thinking about him this morning. One of the reasons he was my favorite fuck buddy (besides being great in bed) is our ages at the time. The other ones I wrote about were from when I was 16-19 years old. (�19 years olds, you just happy to be having sex. 22, these are the fuck years for me, I FUCK.�--Eddie!). Mike and I were 26 years old, semi-responsible adults. Acting like we were 16-19 years old.
I can�t help but wonder what would have happened if I hadn�t hooked up with Dick. That�s the only reason I stopped fucking Mike. How long would that have gone on? I mentioned that we got along really well. I think It might have just progressed into one of them there �relationships�. And likely a much better one than what I got. *sigh*. Again, hindsight is 20/20.
I look back on what I had with Dick and just think, why? Why? Why did I put up with all that shit? Did I really believe that that was the sacrifice I had to make to have someone love me? Yes, I did. Ugh. I had to go through all that shit to learn that I didn�t. Have to sacrifice so much, I mean.
And then I think about how if it weren�t for Dick, I wouldn�t have Minnie and Mickey. True. But if I didn�t know them then, then how could I miss them? Ya know? Truth be told, if I had it all to do again, the Dick chapter is one that I would have totally skipped over. And that�s nothing against my two little sweeties.
Anyway, really, I need to get off my ass here and like, maybe do something? Maybe.
Sayonara.