"It's not that easy, Kim, all my CDs are in his truck"
It�s been one of those days, I�ve gone through periods of anxiety and I just can�t let myself go like I would like to cuz of all these damn kids. I think maybe smoking pot this morning with Nina was not in my best interest as lately I have this kind of reaction to it. Also, being around Nina is not in my best interest, no?
Hub and I are not really speaking right now. I was a bit of a bitch to him last night for no other reason that I just hate his guts. I can�t think of any other reason. We had a good time last weekend but that was mostly because we were busy socializing with other people. Oh and beer.
To quote Dane Cook, I�m in a relation-shiT. I�m at the party looking for my jacket cuz I want to get the fuck out. I can listen to that bit over and over and over again. It�s so true (�that�s why it�s funny. Cuz it is so true�).
Lately, I just feel like I�m suffocating or drowning. I want out of this marriage it�s not even funny. But that idea in itself is so ridiculous cuz I have no idea how I�m going to take care of my kids on my own. It�s overwhelming when I know that I am through with this marriage but so stuck in it. Financial disaster would hit if he decided to up and leave but at the same time I would be so relieved. I have no interest in going to marriage counseling to save it.
I can�t wait to go back to work.
I�ve been checking out apartment prices in the newspaper lately. Trying to get an idea of what kind of rent I�ll have to pay if this thing ever ends. I don�t want to be a single mom again, it�s so hard and I fear more than anything that I�ll fail and my kids will suffer. But would it be worse than staying in a situation which has been slowly driving me insane?
And then I keep thinking of that phrase, �Be careful what you wish for�. If I do indeed get out, will I regret it? Will I wish back to the days of being married? And how badly would I wish for it? Will being on my own, working again, being strapped for cash be as bad as staying here? Or will I deal with the negatives and also be happier knowing that I�m back in control, that I don�t have to worry about someone else�s actions affecting my life the way Hub�s has? Will I end up with someone down the line who�s worse than Hub? My choices in the past have not been very wise.
I get so angry. I�m so mad about the business. My name goes down in flames. It�s me the IRS wants. It�s my name on all that shit. How could I have been such a fool? I know Hub didn�t mean for things to turn out the way they did, but why did I ever go into this with him? I know why: money. I thought we�d be able to make a good living for ourselves and instead we come out of it broke and paying off $8000 in debt.
And that motherfucking truck. With the ridiculous payment. In my name. There goes my credit. Yay. We can�t keep it, there�s no way. Supposedly he wanted to call the credit union and see what we could do to try to adjust the payments, and he�s been talking about this for over a month, but he hasn�t. I don�t give a fuck about the truck, so I have no interest in calling. Fuck the credit thing. FUCK IT. It�s not like I�ll be able to buy a house in the next decade or so anyway. My credit is already ruined anyway.
Here�s the latest Hub�s an ass update: Today is payday for this sketchy guy he�s been working for. Surprisingly enough, Hub can�t get in touch with him to get his check. Does this surprise me? No. Maybe I�m too negative but I have a feeling that Hub�s not going to be able to track this guy down. Hopefully I�ll be wrong.
This guy sounds like a fucking piece of work. He�s on Hub�s ass about every little thing. Hub worked everyday last week, from 7 until after 4, and then when Hub told him he couldn�t work Saturday? The guy gave him shit about it. There was no agreement about working weekends, just M-F. And a few days later, the guy again gave him grief cuz he was working all weekend and how �It must be nice to go to a pig roast�.
I�m so sick of this shit. Our rent is not paid yet. We have bills accumulating out the wazoo. Hub�s cell won�t call out cuz our bill is late. He�s behind on child support. And the whole month of July that he worked for himself, mowing and such? He hasn�t given me one fucking thing to bill out and I�ve asked repeatedly. The waterfall job is pending final payment, but he has to call the sod place to replace some sod, but his phone doesn�t call out so he can�t call. That�s his excuse. Even though, he was just here an hour ago and had time to call his sketchy boss, but screw working on collecting the final $1000 we need to pay our bills. And when I remind him of the bills we need to pay (I�m keeping him in the fucking know, not being a money grubbing bitch), he�s all, �I KNOW!�.
Ugh. Writing about him is pissing me off.
I wish I had someone that I could talk to about everything. Someone I trust who would understand and LISTEN. I feel like I�m never listened to in real life. I love that I have friends online, and this diary, to vent to and who understand, but sometimes it�s better to have someone to TALK to. I don�t think I trust anyone enough with the secrets that I have. I hate feeling so isolated.
I know one thing (and that�s about it, just one thing). When this ever ends with Hub, based upon his past, it�s going to be ugly. He�ll probably never speak to me again. He can�t handle break ups. He�ll think that I think he�s a bad person and he�s not. It�s not ALL his fault. I�m just as much to blame, I�ll admit it. But he won�t allow me to say what I feel now without blowing up and putting his own spin on it, how would he be if we split? I can only imagine. He acted like a total jerk with Helen. If it weren�t for me, they�d only speak to each others through lawyers.
And he�s so dead set against another divorce, I think he�ll just stay in this shitty situation rather than split. And he thinks that for that reason, I�ll just go along with him.
And who gets the friends? All the people we hang out with now are MY friends. I mean, they�re his friends now, but I�ve known Robert and Rhonda since I was 18 years old. I�m afraid I�d end up being the one who gets excluded out of all the fun stuff because Hub couldn�t handle being around me.
Ugh. All I know is, I�m going back to work. Step number one in my exit strategy. From there, I�ll have to figure out where to go. If I truly want out or if it�s just a reaction the stress I�ve been going through. Personally, I think it�s both.
Anyway. Here�s something happy to share, for lildebkitty , the �inquiring mind� . My ten seconds with Bo. Believe me, it�s not exciting to anyone except for me. I was just excited to be alone with him for even a brief time with no one watching.
When we got to the pig roast, we all got out of Amy�s truck (a two door SUV type vehicle) and started to head to the party. I had my purse, but I hate bringing my purse along when I�m drinking, so I changed my mind last minute and headed to the side of the truck which was out of view of Hub, Rick, Amy, etc. As it turns out, Bo happened to be there getting his own shit in order. So, I grabbed my phone and camera (regrettably, since it broke that night! Argh!) and realized I had a frickin� roach at the top of my purse. I hate that, I rarely carry smoke on me, and especially a stinky roach. So, I found a little receptacle for it, which would keep down the stink (damn, I wasn�t going to actually throw it out!) and put it in there.
Meanwhile, my camera fell( but that�s not when it broke). I finished with my purse, threw it in the back seat and went to pick up my camera, but Bo had it. He handed it to me while giving me that look of his which has been driving me nuts for two years. I smiled and in the sexiest, flirtiest voice I could muster said thank you to him.
That�s it. My ten seconds alone with Bo. Like I said, exciting only to me. I have no life.
I think tonight is going to be a �pain go bye-bye juice� kind of night. I might even end up next door at Nina�s to listen to her and Jay have nothing fights. And listen to Nina pontificate and give me lessons on life. I have to laugh, cuz it�s a comedy routine in itself.
Don�t hate.