"Wake up Maggie I think I got something to say to you..."
I spent a good month and a half to two months being fairly tolerant of my marriage and just accepting that I�m stuck here, and being thankful for what I do have instead of focusing on what I don�t have. I�ve accepted our financial troubles and kept telling myself, it�ll get better. Maybe not tomorrow, but it�ll get better.
I told myself, I chose to marry this man, and no matter how much temptation there is out there (oh and believe me, there is), I need to accept where I am in life right now and grin and bear it. It could be worse, right?
For all his flaws, he tries. �His heart is in the right place�. I committed to this, my kids are better off for it (and no where is this more evident than in Beavis, who loves Hub more than his own kids do--with the exception of Daisy, I�d say--and gets visibly upset if I badmouth him or talk about leaving him). I can�t just leave just because I�m �not happy�, right? That�s some selfish shit.
So, I worked to forget the problems we have had and forgive the mistakes that are just as much my fault as his (ie; the truck). I was complacent. I was dealing with it and if I was stressed about anything? Well, thank the gods that be for work and beer is all I can say.
Then this weekend came around, and I was yet again reminded that I am truly unhappy, that the problems we have cannot be ignored or forgiven. That I have been drowning myself in alcohol and work to get away from the things that haunt me and cause me stress and make me grind my teeth and send me into just about into panic attacks.
I am going to say this, I am not perfect. I�m the first to admit this. I�ll accept my mistakes and admit them. I torture myself for not being a better person. Every little mistake I�ve ever made, nobody is harder on themselves about it than me. I put myself down for being human. I call myself selfish for feeling the way I do. And then I head out to the store and grab a 6, 12, 20 pack of beer and drink the majority of it.
A bar in town, the one that Bo frequents, had a benefit for one of their bartenders this weekend. I�ve never been to this bar. The bartender recently found out she has breast cancer, and it�s spread all over her. (Her situation alone makes me thankful for what little I�ve got, which at this point in time my health counts in a big way). So, the bar set aside one day where all their profits will be donated to this bartender for her medical costs & what have you.
Initially, we thought this benefit started at 6pm. Hub knew about it from work, since a lot of the guys he works with (ie; Bo) go there. We planned on going.
Then the money crunch hit. It was fucking pathetic this week. I get paid bi-weekly, and last week was not my week. Hub�s check was pathetic, and of course his child support had to be paid, which left us with little (as in less than $50) after we took out the rest of what we owed for rent. So, it was decided that we were not going to the bar Saturday night.
Friday night, Caroline called me. The benefit was actually starting at noon. Would I go with her for a few drinks? I told her I had nada dinero and she was fine with that, she wanted me to go along because I am fun to be around. Damn right I am. Take everything else away from me, and I still have my ability to laugh and my sparkling personality.
So, Saturday morning I �ask� Hub if this is okay, can he stay home with the kids while I go out with my one dollar down to the bar for a while. The fact that I have to �ask� really burns my ass. Bear in mind, he has had quite the social life without me lately, all with my blessing. I have been keeping score, not something I�d normally do but a tactic I learned from a friend�s wife. Not to be vindictive, but just to say, hey, you have gone out and done things without me, now may I have a little freedom and go out and do things without you? (Being that it�s way more fun without him, but I didn�t mention that).
It started in August, with the club�s �member�s only� picnic. Then we had the day before Thanksgiving, when he went to his work holiday party (a day off at a pool--the game, not the swimming--party and then after for drinks at the bar in town--heretofore known as The Pool Bar, since they have a ton of pool tables & free pool), when he came home after midnight. And then there was a birthday party for a co-worker right before Christmas, where he got totaled, shook his ass on the dance floor with another woman (of course, �just a friend� as he would *NEVER* cheat on me), and was supposed to meet me at the club later but never showed up because he passed out drunk on a friend�s couch. And New Year�s Eve, when I wanted to go home and gave him full blessing to stay out as late as he wanted and go out and have fun. That would be the day he came home at 9:00 am the next morning.
Full blessing. He can do what he wants, but I�ve gently reminded him, remember this, because there will come a day when I would like to go out without you hovering over me and generally irritating me with every word you say. Okay, so I didn�t throw in the insults.
The first time I did, I met Caroline and Wayne after work for drinks at a bar right down the street from work. I was pissed at him when I made plans with them, so didn�t mention it to him at first, but only for fear that he�d want to come along. I left a note at home saying I�d be home a little late (I was working till 8:30) because I was meeting them at Chili�s. I heard through the rumor mill that he was pissed about this, and told one of my friends that I�d �better not make a habit of this�.
Excuse me?
Never mind the fact that I was home by 10:00 that night. And that I was with Carolina and Wayne, who is one of his buddies. No, let�s just forget that.
So, Saturday comes along and he says, �Go� to me when I �ask�. I said, �Well, Wayne�s going to be home with his kids, if you want to go hang out with him�. �Just go� he says.
And I�m off. I�m not dressed up, jeans, a t-shirt, a sweater and my high heeled kick ass boots that I love. Not with my pant legs tucked into them because that look is still too 80�s for me. But anyway, just a touch of makeup and I�d thrown my hair up in a messy bun. I was just going for a few drinks.
Wayne even warned me before I left that Bo would be there and for me to be good. Well, the truth is, I�m over the Bo thing. Sure, he�s hot and sexy as hell but it�s pointless. He works with Hub, he�s back with his GF, yadda yadda yadda. Just a dangerous situation. Plus, the complacency and tolerance and acceptance of my marriage crap I had going on. Let everyone still think I�m bananas for Bo. Whatever. Because I am still a bit of a cheating whore inside, I think, eh, it could be a good ruse.
Well, the second I walked into that bar, I knew I was in trouble. The place is full of blue collar working men, my type of guy and the kind that especially take a liking to me. And they�re looking at me, all 5 foot ten inches of me with my boots on.
There�s four of us, Caroline, me, Caroline�s sister Brenda and Caroline�s daughter Jessica. We grab some brews and hang out for a bit.
Caroline has this guy friend, Ed. I�ve never met him, but I know all about him. He was there, and Caroline drags me over to meet him. Hi how are you blah blah blah. I go back over and stand at the bar (no empty seats!) with Brenda and Jessica. Another beer. Then Caroline drags me back over to see Ed, who is with his friend sitting at a table. Which so happens to have an empty seat. His friend says, �Have a seat� and I say thank you and sit. We�re introduced. His name is Joe.
Ed and Joe make some comments about me, how pretty I am. I can�t hate this. I don�t care if it�s bullshit or not, I loves me some charming men. They�re flirting, and I�m flirting back. Joe points out to Ed, �Well, it doesn�t matter how cute she is, she�s married� and points to my rings.
At this point, I have bumped into and started a conversation with a guy, Mike, that I went to school with from third grade until high school but haven�t seen since. We were catching up and meanwhile, Caroline is mentioning to Ed and Joe that yes I am married but not happily.
Joe tells me after I�m done talking to Mike. �Your friend is saying that you�re not happy in your marriage�. He�s kind of blowing the whistle on her, but I shrug it off, that�s how Caroline is. I don�t care. If I don�t want anything on the front page of the newspaper, I don�t tell anyone. (I just write it in my dairy online for strangers to see, ha ha ha).
Joe asks why am I unhappy? I struggle to think. Because I�ve been tolerant and forgetful. Denial and avoidance help me sleep at night, man. I mention the failed business a bit. I mention that he�s not an intelligent man like I�d like. I can�t think of anymore. It�s not fun, anyway, and I want to have fun.
Joe is attractive. And charming. I�m a sucker for charm. I know this. I�ve had the pants charmed right off me in the past. No regrets. I�m not na�ve, I know half of charm is the bullshit, but I like it, alright?
Joe is tall. Standing next to him in my boots, he�s still got a few inches over me, he�s a good 6�3�. He has beautiful blue eyes. And he�s sharp. And he�s obviously attracted to me and is not hiding it one bit. He asks me to take my hair down, so he can see what it looks like. At first I said no, I�d rather leave it up. But eventually, the charm gets me and I let it down. Not only do I get compliments from him, but other guys as well.
I was having a good time. I was flirting but always conscious that The Pool Bar is full of Hub�s co-workers so I am �behaving�. A few more beers and I decide, I�m staying until I fucking feel like going home and that might not be until much later.
Around 5, Caroline is drunk and ready to go home. Me, not so much. I tell Joe, I don�t care if they leave, I�m staying. I try to talk her into staying. No, I have to go and feed the kids. Wayne can feed the kids, I say. No no no, she wants to go home. She calls Wayne and asks him to pick her up. Which means pick �us� up.
I�m resistant. I�m not going, I say. Bo was on his way, I say, he can watch me. He�s Hub pal now, I�ll be fine. They�re all like, yeah, sure, you�ll be �safe� with Bo. Right.
Wayne and Billy, Jessica�s boyfriend, show up. They�re going to have a beer and then we�re out. They�re finishing up and at the same time, Joe asks if I�d like another beer. I say sure. He says, �you�re not leaving are you?�. No I�m not. I decide to go grab my purse out of Caroline�s car before they leave with it.
As I�m heading back into the bar, Caroline, Brenda and Jessica physically force me into the car. They are pushing me and telling me it�s for my own good that I�m leaving. They knew what was going on and are trying to keep me from making a mistake. �But I�m just having a good time!� I kept saying.
I sulk all the way back to Caroline�s. I was pissed. Nothing irritates me more than having a good time interrupted by anything other than sleep. I�m thinking, okay. I�ll sober up a bit, have something to eat at Caroline�s, and head right back to the fucking bar on my own.
Nope, not gonna happen. Because those bitches called Hub and told him to come pick me up.
I was still having fun at this point, albeit being that I was pissed. I was having fun with Bo�s kid, who was over there, and Wayne�s daughter, who decided, after I told her a million times not to get married, just grow up, go to school, get a good career going and live life for herself, that she loved me. Even Bo�s kid was hugging me.
Then Hub showed up with the kids. I was happy to see the kids. They were kinda pissed at me for being gone all day, but they got over it.
I�m still thinking everything is fine until we get into the truck to head home. And I start telling him about how I saw Mike, and he just cuts me off.
He�s all pissed and riled up. I say, �What did I do?� because despite my flirtatious behavior at the bar, I was just out having a good time. Like he has so many times before. And he won�t answer. He�s 100% attitude and I know it�s time to just shut up because these are the times that shit gets destroyed, that I get his hands put on me.
He won�t tell me what his fucking problem is. I assume it�s that I�ve been out all day having fun at a bar full of guys. Without him. And he was stuck at home with the kids. Like I have never been stuck at home with the kids. Hello, that�s been my life since we got married. Stuck at home dealing with not only my kids, but his.
And also? We had no weed. No money, no weed. Now, some of you might not know what happens when a pothead who is accustomed to smoking weed all day long (which is what they do at work, starting at 5 am until the end of the day) has to go without. They turn into a big rage machine. Everything pisses them off.
I say �they� because while I still smoke some, mostly at night, it is no longer my DOC (drug of choice). I can take it or leave it now. I can even go without drinking if I must.
So, we get home, and I go to make the kids some dinner, and he�s all �I�VE GOT IT!!!� and won�t let me even do that. I go into the bathroom and fold some laundry, and I come out and the girls are eating, but Mickey is on the couch looking at me with very sad eyes.
�WILL YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT HIS FUCKING PROBLEM IS BECAUSE HE WON�T FUCKING EAT AND HE WON�T TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK HE WANTS TO EAT�, Big Raging Asshole says to me.
Mickey runs over to me and says, �Daddy pulled my shirt and yelled at me because I don�t want to eat pot pie�.
Maybe he was upset by the big fat pissy head yelling at him? Or could it be he�s just spoiled? I don�t fucking care.
Now I realize, this is bullshit. This is FUCKING BULLSHIT. I�m pissed because now my house has become uncomfortable for me and my kids because I went out and he�s out of weed and suddenly it�s like living with Dick again.
Caroline calls and at that point I�m telling her what�s going on. And I start to cry. I go upstairs to my room and lock the door so I can have a private conversation. Of course Hub busts right in. �WHERE ARE YOUR KEYS?!?!?� he demands. �WHY ARE YOU CRYING?!?!? WHERE ARE YOUR KEYS?!?!�
I say �You Don�t need my keys�. He says, �Yes I do, I�m taking a walk and I�m going to get the van� which is at Caroline�s. �You Don�t need to get the van� I say. �YES I DO! WHERE ARE YOUR KEYS?!?!� I lie and tell him they�re downstairs. They�re not, they�re upstairs. I lock the door after he leaves.
He comes back up. �WHERE ARE YOUR KEYS?!?�. I say, �You Don�t need my keys!!!� and he says, �YES I DO!!!� and I yell, �THEN JUST TAKE THE FUCKING SPARE KEY I AM NOT GIVING YOU MINE!!!!�.
He runs down the stairs. Punches something. Glass is broken. I�m crying on the phone and Caroline is telling me she�s coming over. I stay in the bedroom. My kids are in their rooms.
He�s downstairs, banging around. I hear the vaccuum going. Soon enough, I hear Caroline come in and ask Hub what�s going on. I hear him say, �Don�t talk to me! I�m getting a divorce!�. And then he leaves.
I finally come out of my bedroom. Caroline had Billy drive her over and he gets to work cleaning up the glass from the picture frame that he broke. Then Hub�s sister Lily shows up. �Where is he?� I said I don�t know. She�d gotten a call at the club to come get him. She said she was going to look for him.
I�m finally kind of calmed down, Caroline and Billy left, and the kids and I sat down to watch �An Inconvenient Truth�.
The phone rings. It�s Lily�s cell phone. I answer, and it�s Hub. With fucking big ass balls he says, �Hi!� like nothing happened.
�I don�t want to talk to you� I say, �I�m all set�. And I hung up.
A little while later, it�s Lily�s phone again. I answer, thinking if he has the balls to call me again, he�s going to hear it all from me and I�m not going to be nice. He can�t put his hands on me through the fuckin phone.
It�s Lily. She says that Hub�s problem was, he was stewing all day about Butthead and Hilda, beating himself up over it. That�s why he got so mad. And he couldn�t mention that to me? I told her what I thought, that it was the fact that I went out and that he had no smoke. She said, well, I�ve got him and I said kepp him.
He went to the club. Had himself a good time, I�m sure. He came home at 1:30 am.
Because it�s okay for him, you see.
The incident was it for me. I�m done. I�m sick of it. Now I can think of all the reasons why I am unhappy. I slept from about 11:00 until he got home at 1:30, and then I slept no more. I read all night. Read and cried.
WTF?
The next morning he got right up and started cleaning the yard. I can tell, he�s in kiss ass mode. I�ve only been asking him to clean up the yard since November, when all the leaves were down. But I don�t care. I don�t care what he does at this point, nothing is going to make up for this shit. I can�t forgive this time.
By Sunday afternoon, he�s talking to me as if nothing had happened. No apology, not that it would have mattered anyway, his apologies are all empty and mean nothing to me now. I ignore him as much as possible, but reply on occasion. I�m still pissed and I�m not getting over it. He found himself some weed from Eric next door. Now life is grand again.
Except not.
Sunday night as we�re falling asleep, he asks for a kiss. I ignore him. He leans in and makes a kissy noise. I say, �No�.
Yesterday it rained. No work for him. I go to work and Caroline texts me. Hub went to visit her. To whine about his fucking problems. He tells her he loves me, he doesn�t want to lose me, he�s signed up for counseling.
And this just pisses me off more. What about me?!?! What about how I feel? I�m just supposed to accept this and stick around or leave and be the heartbreaker? I�m the one who needs fucking counseling.
He�s still kissing my ass. When I come home last night from work pissed off, and snapping at every little thing, I get, �what the fuck is your problem?�. As much as I�d love to tell him what my problem is, he won�t listen. He doesn�t really care. All that matters is that I�m here for him and fuck how I feel.
Well, fuck that shit. I�m all set. I don�t know what I�m going to do, but I do know that staying with him for the rest of my life is not one of my options, I don�t care how much he doesn�t want to lose me.