Aw fuck it
What it comes down to is this: Marriage is a bitch. A nasty bitch that you would just like to strangle sometimes but that would be like biting off your nose to spite your face or some shit like that.
I�ve been reading article lately that say that the divorce rate is at it lowest since 1970. And that is some serious shit right there. The reasons behind it are understandable. Finance being number one.
I privated the last entry about our last fight. Reason being, we are a couple of fucking retards. I won�t just blame him for being the retard, because I am one as well. I�ll admit it.
We had the dumbest of fights on Sunday. It seemed like it was not over much, but it really was. Lots and lots. Resentment on both parts for totally legit reasons.
He left Monday AM for the Cape, staying until Thursday. Time to think. He didn�t call me once, which is very unlike him. Which made me think, shite. He�s on his way out this time. And the prospect of which unnerved me more than I thought it ever would.
I took a lot of time to think. I did the numbers to see if I could do it financially. I could, technically, get by, but not so well. Is this a sacrifice I�m willing to make? For the freedom, for the emotional stability? Will I even have that?
Ugh. What a pain in the ass. All the thinking. What the fuck.
He was due home Thursday. Wednesday night I had kind of an epiphany, but one that�s hard to explain. What came into my head was liberating, to say the least. I chose to look at the situation between us not from my point of view, not from his, but from a completely un-objective (is that even a friggin word? IDK) third party.
Which made me think, hello? These two people are fucking cuckoo, man. Banana sandwich. But also good for each other, too.
So, he came home Thrusday and the tension was enough to cut with a knife. I finally told him that I would like to talk with him, but that I wanted to talk WITH each other, that I wanted an equal exchange of ideas, a COMMUNICATION between us, if you will, and that both sides needed to be heard and understood, and anything less would not be unacceptable. It was the �we need to talk� build up that I usually detest, but it gave us both a few hours to get ready.
(BTW, it turns out that he temporarily lost his cell phone charger and did not call from another phone knowing that I would be bullshit @ him for losing it. LOL. He found it in the work truck when they were heading home. Good for him).
So we talked. And he *listened*. I did not use �you� messages. (I remember that shit from psych, still). And he understood what I was telling him. And I understood what he was telling me. I�m just as bad as him. He brought up things about me that I never knew.
And then, what? What do we do? We agreed to be more honest with each other about things with no fear of repercussion. We agreed to think about things before we made any decision to split.
I chose to tell him of all the things about him that are positive to me. I told him how some of the things that are negative but in a way that accentuated the positive.
It�s all effed up, yo. But the fact of the matter is that we need each other, despite all the crazy crazy shit, and that our kids need us to be together.
So, I am trying to be more respectful to him. I�m working on it. He, the same. I can see now when I am doing things that piss him off and I�m working on it. I�m working on it because neither of us will do well without the other and we made those goddamn fucking vows and they should mean something.
Someday, my kids are going to be married. And marriage is starting to mean something again to people more than it has since the divorce rate went up. Commitment and shit. Oh, it sucks in so many ways. Sigh. It does. But maybe our kids will have a better understanding of it and take it more seriously when it�s there turn.
Excuse me for being rambly and not making sense if such is the case. I�m trying to make sense of it for myself.
In other news, my job rocks. I�ve even gotten used to aisle sales, which really isn�t sales. Basically I chit chat with BJ�s employees and current members of my CU and friendly looking people. They put me outside the other day and that fucking rocked.
I�m learning the aspects of my new position and finally feeling comfortable with them. I was told yesterday at work that the members love me, I�m so good with them. I talk to these people like they�re my friends, and I think it works for me. I�m genuinely interested in people and I remember little details about them and they like it. You tell me on Friday that you are going to a birthday party for an 80 year old? I�ll remember next Friday when you come in and ask about it. People love that shit. Especially when I just remember it in my head and don�t have to consult a fucking notebook. LOL.
Of course, just like my last job (for all two of you who�ll remember), I have my favorites. Always guys. First, there�s Dave. He�s older, in his 50�s, and a business member. He�s kind of short, pretty chunky, but he�s got a great personality and a beautiful smile. I love him. Harley dude, owns his won business and does okay. I�d totally hook up with him if I weren�t married.
And then there�s Keith. He�s also married, adorable as all hell, mid-thirties like me, owns his own business. He�ll come specifically to see me, and say he needs to see me, even if it�s just a deposit. LOL. I love it. I should call him blue eyes.
And then Brian. *sigh*. 40 years old, works right down the street from me, married, family man, and downright fucking beautiful. I think I would leave my husband for him but it would never happen. He seems to be100% good guy. Where the fuck was he when I was single?
Anyway. I shouldn�t be writing cuz I�m all ADD right now, but wtf. Better than nothing.
I�m out, yo. Ciao! =)