"PC Load Letter"? What the fuck does that mean?

This one is going to be kind of a downer. Just a heads up.

I�ve been feeling really sad inside lately, I suppose you could say I�m depressed. However, unless you are my husband or my very perceptive 14 year old son, you�d have no idea. I mean, unless you read my diary, which nobody I know in real life does. Not that I know of, anyway. But that�s neither here nor there.

I guess it�s all the stress of this year and the business and blah blah blahdie blah. Then having fucking hormonal issues with the whole PMS bullshit just exacerbates everything for a week or two every month. I�m in the midst right now. I�ve read about the pills that help you not have a period for a year, and how totally unnatural that sounds, but maybe there�s a beneficial side to them? No moodiness, no bloating, none of that for 11 months out of the year. I just wonder if that one period a year doesn�t end up to be the WORST. PERIOD. EVER.

Ugh. I don�t know. I�m everywhere with this, so bear with me, if you so choose.

It just seems like being under constant stress has been my life for far too long. Even when I�m not stressed, I can definitely scare up things to be stressed about. It seems like the more I strive to accept myself for who I am, the more I get to feeling badly for every little thing I�ve ever done, or every thing that I do now that I shouldn�t. I�m not a perfect person, nobody is, but sometimes I feel far below what a decent person should be. I�m my own worst enemy, and nobody hates me more than myself.

I don�t talk to anyone about my problems, really. I bitch at Hub and outburst here and there, but I really don�t talk to my friends about my problems much. I hate to burden them with my problems.

That last sentence right there was 100% my grandmother. She hated to bother anyone with her problems, so she didn�t, and she was depressed and sad a lot. And I remember her saying that she didn�t want to burden anyone, and how silly that sounded to me. That we would be more than happy to help her and listen to her and do whatever she needed us to do. And yet here I am, acting the same fucking way.

I openly admit it now, especially to my family, that I am �Memere Light�. I just don�t want to be old and alone and sad like she was. I can take old and alone, I dream about it often, but the �sad� is what I�d like to leave out.

I�ve been really aggravated with my lack of babysitting options, too. It sucks to have this many kids and no support to help me out when I need it. My dad is not very active in their lives, he�s never taken either of the little ones ever, and while I can accept that as his right, I so resent it. I hate that there�s no family support for us, no one that I can trust to take the kids, who WANTS to be with them.

When we actually were going to Aruba, which we�re obviously not now (yah. I�m struggling to find money to get my kids *some* school clothes, never mind a few fucking grand to blow on vacation), the babysitting situation was looking like a nightmare. Lily was going to watch the kids, but we�d have to find a daytime sitter. Yeah, that sounds like a situation that�ll be comforting to me. How is the sitter treating them during the day? Did Lily get them on time? Every fucking day. No thanks. I am kind of glad that we�re not going, as I wouldn�t be able to truly enjoy myself while worrying about the kids all day and all night. No, it�ll be many years before I leave these kids for any length of time.

I know, you�re all like, �But Jackie, you need a vacation from the kids!�. Of course I do. But I just don�t have the kind of support system that allows me to do such things. Maybe you don�t have kids and just can�t understand, or you have parents or a significant other or an ex who can take the kids and you don�t need to worry. I don�t have that. At all. It�s times like these that I miss my mommy.

And Dick? Fucking piece of shit. Useless. He hasn�t paid child support since May. Three months. They called him in on July 29 for a hearing and had him get a wage assignment started, and I still haven�t seen dime one. He told me last week that it would start coming out of his check Friday, which it didn�t. He told me that the woman that runs the office, Sharon, �can�t� do it. Wigga, please. I have zero bookkeeping experience and I do it every week. For a while there, while Ned was working with us, I was doing it for him and Hub. Fucking take it out of the wages, and print up a check and send it in. They send fucking coupons to do it and everything. Simple. So don�t give me that. Anyway, so Friday he called and said he was just going to give me cash, he�d had a good week. Which, I planned to use that cash to buy Minnie some school clothes. By yesterday, Sunday, when I saw him, he was out of cash. WTF? Yes, I�m calling the division as we speak. I�m lucky to have an excellent worker, Tim. He�s been the best I�ve dealt with over there so far, quick responding and doesn�t fuck around, but also doesn�t treat the payor like shit, either.

Did I mention the dumbass is homeless again? Well, he�s staying with a friend of Andrea and Willy�s right now. We�ll see how long that lasts. But still. He was living no where for like two or three weeks, no bills to pay, and you can�t fucking support the two kids that you claim to love so much? So much that you could give a fuck about whether or not your daughter has some nice clothes to start first grade in, or whether or not you buy your son a birthday present (he did not, btw), or whether that son can go to kindergarten because I can�t afford it! No, instead, sometime between Friday night and Sunday morning, you spent your whole check. I wonder on what. Gee, that�ll be a stretch to figure out, seeing as he�s a fucking crackhead. He can deny all day long that he�s not smoking, but please. You don�t spend hundreds of dollars on just beer within that period of time.

I don�t know where I�m going with this. How about this, FUCKING HOORAY for the start of school next week! One week from tomorrow, these bastards are fucking out of here!

One more year home and then Mickey will be in first grade, too. And I�ll be going back to work, a fact that Hub isn�t aware of, he thinks I�ll just keep doing the books for our pathetic failing little business. No, going back to work is going to be the first step in reasserting my independence. I can�t keep relying on him as much as I do, or he�ll completely destroy me. Hopefully he won�t in the next year.

Of course, I�ve been thinking about what kind of job I want. Or rather, the kind of job that I don�t want. For one, I do not want to work with the public. So no retail, no more finance, none of that. I�ve fucking had it with dealing with nasty people who suck. Of course, my customer service skills are very strong since it�s pretty much all I�ve ever done in one capacity or another and I�m really good at it. That doesn�t mean I fucking like it, though. Also, this chick is having no part of working 8-5. How about a big ol� FUCK THAT SHIT. Nope. I�d rather do 7-3. Or just work 30 hours, whatever. So, basically, I�m looking at getting a job down the road in one of the manufacturing places with the Spanish and Brazilian people, which is fine with me. Either that or a government job. Because working for the gov�t, even if I do work with people, I don�t have to be nice to them, or good at the job, even. Oh yeah, and I need health insurance, which puts me in one of the plants.

Whatever, it�s another year away. Anything could happen by then, and probably will.

Oh, and not having full use of my camera? Is killing me. Hub even noticed without me even telling him.

I�m going to end this now, I have to get moving on with life.

TTFN!

Listening to: Weezer, "On Drugs". They make it sound like it's a bad thing.

Currently reading: "Ashes to Ashes" Tami Hoag.

Thinking about: Read all above. Lather, rinse, repeat.