"So why did I do it? I could offer a million answers - all false. The truth is that I'm a bad person."
I am alone in the house! For the first time in who the fuck knows how long. The frickin� rain finally stopped so Hub went back to work (YES!), the kids have all gone to school and Mickey is next door playing with Josh. A big hooray for a few precious moments of peace and solitude.
My weekend was�eh. Friday was a bad, yucky day. I cried a lot. I thought a lot about my life and what I�ve done with it, and who I am as a person and I did not come to any really positive resolutions. I feel like the only good things I�ve done in my life are my kids and that�s it. Other than that, I�m really not a very good person and I�ve decided to stop fucking kidding myself into believing that I am.
This is not as bad as it sounds. It�s just to say, yeah, I�m a bad person, this is who I am and I�m not going to deny it anymore. To anyone. If the way I feel about something is not �right�, then let it be, it�s how I feel. I can�t make it right if that�s how I feel.
Our fight Friday started out about Butthead. Hub refuses to confront him, implement rules for him (or at the least, follow through with them), or give him any kind of consequences for his fuck-ups at all. So, the kid does whatever the fuck he wants and gets away with it. Granted, he�s not out popping caps in people that we know of, but what he is doing when he�s gone? Who knows.
He also seems to believe that he�s the only person in this house and that he can do whatever he wants here, breaking any rules that we�ve made, and is so totally disrespectful and has such an utter lack of courtesy for anyone but himself that it�s infuriating. For me, anyway. I know this all goes along with the whole teenager thing, but he takes it to greater lengths.
I got up late Friday morning. When I went downstairs to see if the boys were awake, Butthead was just leaving for school. Beavis, who needed to be on the bus in ten minutes, was sound asleep. This pissed me off, because it was yet another in a long line of incidents where Butthead is just an ass. He couldn�t fucking wake Beavis up? WTF? With everything he has Beavis do for him, like fucking feed his stupid turtles (One of which, is a new one. He �adopted� it from his work. Never fucking said a word to us, just brought the fucking thing home and put it in with his painted turtle. I have a problem with this. Big time. Especially after he made such a big deal about wanting to get rid of his other turtle for so long, so he did, and now he�s got two more, both without our permission. Sorry, but this pisses me off. Hub really gave him shit about that, man. He said, �Don�t you think you should have asked us?�. Whoa. Stick it to him. What�s next? That fucking bearded dragon thingie he�s been wanting? Probably. Maybe Hub will get really fired up about that and buy him dinner).
Anyway. It set me off. Of course, with Hub it all turned into all I do is bitch at and about Butthead. It�s all Shauna�s fault, Butthead is all Thebodeau, blah blah blah. Sorry. Sure, she�s a fucking piece of shit poor excuse for a human being lazy fat nasty rotten tooth douche bag who is a waste of air and space, but take responsibility for him, too. Wake the fuck up. You�ve had him most of his life.
I suppose that I should not have made reference to the fact that the way he is raising (or, lack thereof) Butthead is a recipe for building a Ned. Sorry! But that�s 95% of why Ned is the way he is, because he was raised with no consequences whatsoever, got away with everything because of his excuses, oh, and my dad was always afraid to confront him.
�Butthead is NOTHING like Ned! Don�t you EVER compare him to Ned!�. You know what? When Ned was 16, he wasn�t like he is now. He had a job. He had friends. He was popular. Besides that, I wasn�t comparing, I was JUST SAYING that the way he got to be like he is now is his lack of discipline.
Anyway. I can�t say anything about Butthead to Hub or anything else that I may feel a certain way about, because he�;s not listening. Whatever.
The straw that broke the camels back this weekend? We�ve been talking about Butthead paying for his insurance, which he hasn�t done since this summer. I ask for a fraction of what we pay out (an extra $250 a month for him to be on our insurance. RIDIC. I ask for $100 a month. Whoa). He has been giving excuses about his whole paycheck going to gas, yadda yadda yadda. Oh, $70 for gas for the week? In a little Chevy S10? Come on. Either you�re lying or you need to drive less. I go for lying, since he has proven to me more than once that he�s a liar.
Anyway. Hub talked to Butthead about it. Instead of saying that is was his responsibility to help out, if he wants to be a big boy and have a truck (which, incidentally, he�s had since July and has not completely paid for it to the guy he bought it off of, even though it�s only three hundred he owes and he was making that and more every week throughout July and August) that he needs to help out with it financially, Hub told Butthead that is was �money for Jackie�. He has to �give Jackie X amount of money every week�. So, when Butthead took a ride to the ATM with Beavis to go get �Jackie�s money�.
So now, I�m a money hungry bitch in their eyes. This infuriated me, because that�s not the truth and all I wanted to do was teach the fucking kid some responsibility. Once I found out about that, I refused the money. Fuck you. Fine. If that�s how it�s gonna be, then fuck you. Up and down and sideways and then stick it up your ass and suck on your own balls. Asshole. Let�s just pay for all the insurance and let Butthead spend his money on weed and alcohol.
Fact of the matter? I�m just going to admit it. Here�s the part where I�m a bad person. I do not like Butthead. At all. I have had enough of his aggravation and I�ll just fucking admit it. I can�t stand the kid. He is everything that I have strived to make sure my kids are not. Disrespectful, ingrateful, closed-minded, homophobic, borderline racist, a pathological liar and in general, a dick. That�s how I feel. And I�m not going to fucking lie about it anymore. In the words of my friend Mark Renton, �The truth is, I�m a bad person�. I�m not going to treat him like A Child Called It or anything, so maybe I�m not SO bad, but the fact is, I don�t like him. Shoot me.
As far as Hub goes, well, I had a few revelations about him, too. First, every time we have a blowout, it never gets resolved for me. I�m never given the opportunity to speak of how I feel about us calmly or even respectfully. It�s like, if I have feelings about a matter, should they conflict with Hub�s take on it, then it becomes a screaming match with Hub believing what he believes or shelling out his retarded ass solutions. He has no idea how I feel about anything, really.
It�s hard to explain. But, suffice it to say, nothing gets resolved for me and with every fight, my resentment of him grows and grows. He expects that when he asks me, �Do you still love me?� that our fight should end and we should go on all happy dappy schmoopie doopie. Um. No. And the sex? With a man I am slowly growing to hate? Please. Sex is the last thing on my mind.
And then there�s his latent disrespect of me that is really making me hate him. Maybe I shouldn�t let these little things bother me, but they do. Here�s a small example. My grandmother gave me her dining room set when she sold her house six years ago. I didn�t even ask for it but was so excited that she offered it to me. She and my grandfather had bought it in early 1979 when my brother and I were living with them when my mom first got sick and they spent a lot of money on it. It�s a decent set, nothing special, but it means something to me. As you may or may not know, my grandmother passed away in early 2003. It�s a nice reminder of her.
Hub knows how much the set means to me. He knows that I won�t get another set ever, unless this one falls apart. Well. He�s already broken one chair to It in one of his rages. Thanks. But the thing is, he constantly insists on banging on it very hard when he sits there. Like it�s a fucking drumset and he�s friggin� Animal from the Muppets. I ask him again and again please don�t do that, but he keeps doing it. And he lets Butthead do it too.
Why? When something means that much to me, why do you have to insist on abusing it?
Maybe it�s not a big thing, but it is to me. Add that to the commercial insurance thing, where he just doesn�t give a fuck about the �no drivers under 23� rule, and countless others, and I truly believe he has no respect for me whatsoever. And in turn, he teaches that to Butthead, whether he means to or not.
About all that just wrote? It�s like shoveling shit against the tide. Beating a dead horse. I have a one way ticket to Divorceville but I�m not sure when I�m going to make my reservations. I feel bad when I spend all my time wishing for my dad�s life. His kids are grown, he owns his own home and lives alone and goes to work and does what he wants. It scares me in that �be careful what you wish for� kind of way. I�m afraid that if I keep wishing for that, I�ll get it, but it will mean a huge sacrifice on my part, meaning my kids, or that maybe when I�m finally done with him, I�ll regret it. That last part I doubt, but you never know.
Some good things happened this weekend. I got to spend a lot of time with Beavis and that was nice. He�s such a good kid and I�m proud of him. We went to see the Tibetan Monks dismantle the mandala, and Hub took the little kids up to the balcony and let me and Bevais watch up close without having to worry about the Hyper Circus (Minnie, Mickey and Daisy) . I saw lots of movies. Including �Raising Helen�, I do so love Kate Hudson, ever since she was in �Almost Famous�. She�s just the cutest thing. And �Ladder 49�, with Joaquin Phoenix looking his cutest ever. He�s just too sweet. I just want to go up and hug him and take care of him. I also finally saw the remake of �Psycho�, which, until this weekend, I had totally forgotten they did. They made it a little too Hitchcock-y if you ask me. Not that Hitchcock was bad, it�s just that if Hitchcock didn�t make it, which obviously he didn�t, why copy him? It was in some ways too much like the original. Shake it up a little. I think I liked Vince Vaughn�s Norman Bates better than Tony Perkins�, he was a little more creepy. If that�s possible.
And then, eh. I woke up this morning at around 1 am and didn�t get back to sleep until 4:00. Yey. I was kept up by worrying, mostly, until I decided to watch tv. Then I was kept up by his adorableness Joaquin and Ladder 49. I had trouble waking up again at 6:00 (doi-wonder why?) and cancelled out on volunteering at Minnie�s school this morning.
I�m a piece of shit, I know.
Now Nina is calling asking if we can sell them a bone. Which I�m really not into, I�m sick of running out of weed especially feeling like I do right now. But she�s all high pressure, oh we�re going to pick up tonight, we�ll give it back, yadda yadda yadda. Except, I�ve got halfway decent stuff and they won�t be getting halfway decent stuff. I just don�t want to part with it and I pretty much said that, I want to make it last. But they�re not hearing that and that irritates me. Because Jay�s cousin Jeff is there and he wants to get high. Well who the fuck is Jeff and why is his habit my responsibility?
See? I�m a bad person. They were more than generous with their weed when we had none and I�m being a shrew. I just don�t want to deal with this. Or anything, for that matter. You�ll see that I am still having use of my computer, despite Norton reminding me every second that my computer has �trojan.vundo� which is probably the equivalent of bone cancer for a computer, and my computer is running slow as all fuck, but I don�t want to call people I don�t know to find out whether or not it�s savable. Or have to part with it for a few days. I suck. I really do. And that�s not the half of it.
If there are typos here and I failed to correct them, I apologize. I�m sick of fucking fighting with this stupid slow ass piece of shit.
I�m just going to suck it up, roll a fucking blunt and go smoke with Nina, Jay and Jeff.
I�m out, yo.