�What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered?�

�I got you babe, I got you babe, I got you babe, I got you babe, I got you babe �

First D.J.: Rise and shine, campers, and don't forget your booties 'cause it's cooooold out there today.
Second D.J.: It's cold out there every day. What is this, Miami Beach?
First D.J.: Not hardly. So the big question on everybody's lips.
Second D.J.: On their chapped lips
First D.J.: their chapped lips is, does Phil feel lucky? Punxsutawney Phil, that�s right wood chuck chuckers its
[in unison]
First D.J.: GROUND HOG DAY !!!
Second D.J.: GROUND HOG DAY!!!�

YAY it�s fucking Ground Hog Day. Now there�s a reason to live. I guess I�ll stop eating my cookies with the arsenic laced powdered sugar now. Maybe take that roughly fashioned bathrobe-tie noose down from the closet. Tell Dr. Kervorkian to just forget our little appointment. Depression *technically* isn�t a terminal disease anyway.

Where the fuck have I been? Now there�s a good question. It�s been a mix between �Busy with Beavis and his fucking stupid annoying appointments� and �Goddammit I fucking hate the world� and �Shit maybe I really should be on anti-depressants� and �Hub is spending entirely too much fucking time here and harshin� on my writing gig�. Pretty much.

Jennifer , your comment yesterday (okay, maybe you left it Tuesday? But I read it yesterday) with the conversation with your mom so could have been me talking.

I feel selfish like you wouldn�t believe and I just don�t want to do ANYTHING for anyone else. And at first I thought I was just reverting back to the spoiled little bitch I was as a kid, and maybe I am, but I know it�s because Jackie drowned. I drowned myself amidst all these other people and doing for them, doing, doing, doing for others and having almost nothing for myself.

I think.

But anyway, her choice of words very well could have been mine and there is no better metaphor for it than �drowning�. Except mine is past tense. I�ve already drowned.

All you single girls dreaming of marriage and motherhood? THINK about it. It ain�t all what it�s cracked up to be. Trust me, you�re not missing out on much. I have one word of advice, aside from �Don�t fucking do it�, and that is: DON�T MARRY AN IDIOT. Just don�t. Make him take an IQ test or something if you�re not sure if he�s an idiot or not. Also? An extensive background check might help you out, too. (Guys, nothing against you. I�d advise you to do the same regarding any woman you might consider marrying).

I was always so afraid of dreaming about a time when my kids are grown and I can have my life back. I was afraid because of that saying, which I totally believe in, �Be careful what you wish for�. I figured, oh that�ll backfire right in my face and I�ll lose all my kids in some awful accident or I�ll end up with another man worse than Hub and Dick put together and I�ll just be even more miserable. But ya know what? Fuck it.

Hub thinks that when the kids are all grown that we�re going to go on all these fantasy vacations and life is just going to be wonderful and we�ll be able to spend time *together* and isn�t that just fucking picture perfect? Except my vision of �life after kids� does not include him. I can�t stand him now half of the time and that�s going to get better in twenty or so years?

Besides, put me on an island with him and I�m likely to be for scuba and start banging Claude, zee sexy French scuba instructor. Okay, so by then, I�ll have to settle for Claude�s dad, but still, he can�t look too bad considering he�s Claude�s dad and hopefully he will be for scuba too.

Self-loathing has also been a favorite pastime of mine lately too. Boy, there�s somewhere I just shouldn�t go. Nobody hates me more than me. I can�t forgive myself of shit. Every single rotten little (or big) thing I�ve ever done in my life, many of which I�ve been forgiven for by others, I cannot forgive myself for. It�s made me want to crawl into a hole and die. I should forgive myself for being a rotten little bitch to my father and grandmother when I was a kid, I should forgive myself for everyone I was ever mean to in school (and ya know, I wasn�t as mean as a lot of kids, and how can they live with it but I can�t?), every guy I was a douche to, every shitty thing that�s come out of my mouth, et cetera et cetera et cetera. But I can�t. I just can�t and I just keep dwelling on it. And that�s just not a good thing.

The business is falling apart and as much as I try to tell Hub this, he doesn�t fucking get it. All he can say is, �Get a loan, get a loan, get a loan�. SHUT THE FUCK UP. The lack of snow has us spending every penny that comes into the business on OUR bills. I had to file employment taxes the other day? Federal Income and FUTA shit, yeah, I owe roughly $3000 and do I have it? Nope, not when I need the money for rent and food and bills, sorry, IRS, put me in jail. Also, I owe state unemployment taxes which won�t be much for the last quarter, but still it�s money I don�t have. Then, the dumb bitch that he rents all of his equipment from finally sent us out the bill we�ve been bugging the shit out of her for since April. In January, you know, when landscapers don�t make money? So, we owe her roughly $2-3000. Then there�s his equipment. We owe them about $1500. And we still owe his buddy for about $2000 worth of materials. Also, I have to pay the insurance for the business too, starting up again in March.

�In the red� is an understatement.

I tell Hub this, and it�s �Oh well!�. Oh well? You with your big dreams for this year coming up? Have you no clue?

Sure, if I get a loan for the business, it would have money and life would be so beautiful. And all his friends that own business seem to think I�m a shoo-in to get a loan because I�m a female and they just hand loans right over to female business owners. Of course, none of these guys are *loan officers* or even work at a fucking bank, but I should just take their word for it. Through Hub. Cuz it�s not like I talk to these guys myself.

Anyone reading who has any input regarding this, please share it with me. I�d be eternally grateful.

I mean, I know the loan could solve a lot of problems. It doesn�t solve the biggest one: I fucking hate the business and working with Hub and really don�t want any part of it anymore. We are not on the same page. I thought that we had decided that it would be just him working this year, no employees, except the odd guy here or there paid under the table for a job or two. Oh no! That�s not what Hub thinks. Nope. He �needs� guys, or he can�t do this. (One of these he�s going to go into his �I need I need I need and I am the only person I the world� spiel and I�m going to shoot him, point blank right between his stupid beady eyes. With a .22, nice and neat, just a little hole and no skull and brain splatter).

And having employees is too much money for what the business makes. Between the insurance, the taxes and the wages, it�s not worth it to me. We paid out a ridiculous amount of money on guys that for the most part, did shit. Some were good workers, okay ONE was, but most sucked and didn�t do a fucking thing. And we paid out fucking stupid money for nothing.

That? And I just have no clue. I know nothing about running a business and making it successful. My husband doesn�t either, just the shit that his buddies keep feeding him. Which might be true, I�m sure. I get so overwhelmed when I sit down here and open up Quickbooks, or just thinking about what needs to be done, that I just shut it out. Either that, or I cry. That�s all I could do when I sat down to fill out the annual form 940. With the questions and shit. I don�t fucking know what to say, and where are all of Hub�s fucking business savvy friends when I�m doing shit like that? So I just put down whatever. Who fucking cares. I don�t.

I took Business in ninth grade and dropped out halfway through. My teacher was a total bitch from hell and the class material was shite. I learned how to type. That�s what I learned in school for business. I learned how to fucking type.

So, he knows I have no clue. I�ve told him this. And like before, he wants me to sit down with his sister Lily, since she has a BA in Business. Which her job is Lunch Lady, so her degree isn�t really working for her, is it? Well, a couple of years ago, he asked her to help me, and she dropped off her college accounting books. I tried to read them, but I don�t learn to well from just reading, especially an area that�s totally foreign to me, I really need it explained to me.

Now, Lily also has three foster kids (one very special needs, one special needs but not as much as his brother, and a 14 year old girl. Tell me that wouldn�t keep you busy, a 14 year old female foster kid), a job (and I don�t want to knock the lunch lady thing, there but for the grace of God go I),a husband, a daughter in college, and two dogs. Like coming over here to explain shit to me is really convenient for her right now. Or ever. And I completely and totally understand that which is a reason why I don�t bother her about it.

And then we have another large reason I hate the business: Hub. I�ve written about it a million times. He�s like Indian Sunburn. I�m going one way, he�s going the other, and it just leads to a big, burning red mark. When he �needs� something, nothing else matters. He will get or do whatever he thinks he needs regardless of the consequences. How many spring clean-ups do I foresee with no money down? Oh, all of them. And he�ll just say, �Oh, they�ll pay�. Fucking retard.

There was a lot about the business that I did like, but all the negatives just completely detract from that. I know this is his dream but it�s not mine. Not like it is. And he�ll never get a clue, so I�m not going to be a fool holding out on that hope. I�ll just stick to the grim reality that he will eventually completely destroy me. That way I won�t be disappointed.

Is it me, or are me and my husband like a marriage counselor�s dream?

Anyway, be careful what you wish for. You know you were all missing my updates and now you got one and it�s nothing but me bitching seasoned with the occasional movie reference. Then again I know y�all love my rants, so I hope this was good for you. I could go on forever.

In my next update, I hope to cover a few things. People who won�t take no for an answer: in that category we have Ned. Oh, that one�s a doozy. And GG Allin. He�s not one taking not taking no for an answer, on account of the fact that he�s been dead for like 12 years or so, but I have a story related to him with my friend Smokey. Does anyone reading know who GG Allin was? If not, if you guys have a few, Google him. Most links will not be work or child safe, FYI. He was, um, quite a �piece of work�. Extreme Punk Rocker.

So, Ned and GG Allin in Jackie�s next update, which could be tomorrow, but I make no promises.

Oh yeah, and the movie �Night Shift� with Michael Keation and Fonzie. *LOVE BROKERS*. I looked up quotes on that movie for a different quote, and now I can�t get *LOVE BROKERS* out of my head. Just the way Michael Keaton said it.

*LOVE BROKERS*.

Listening to: Something by Nirvana that I've never heard before. It's not off "Bleach" cuz I have that one.

Currently reading: "Solomon Vs. Lord" Paul Levine (Thanks again, Anneliese!).

Thinking about: Six more weeks of winter! And it better fucking snow A LOT from here in. Fuckin' A.