Dammit his timing is impeccable.
(I wrote this after a smoke, and mostly for myself, but I�m posting it here since you all know more than anyone else in my real life anyway. It�s rambly and all over the place, be forewarned. Also, like I said, I wrote this for myself, so the names are all the real ones. I�m not in the mood to edit).
Epiphanies seem to come at the strangest times. I had one (of sorts) yesterday.
What started it was the truck. The truck with the incredibly high payment that we will not be able to afford much longer. Well, we can�t afford it now. But, still, Buck insists that he needs it. He needs a vehicle, of course, but not one with a $726/month payment. That�s rent as far as I�m concerned.
Bear in mind, as it stands, we are only two weeks late for the payment at this point. We�re not in too much hot water yet.
Anyway. So, he had called the credit union about making the truck more affordable. He thought for some reason that they�d lower the payments for us, which I think is impossible. Anyway, he spoke to someone there, and she sent an extension form. He seems to think getting an extension for a month is going to help us? Ha. He can be irritating as all hell but sometimes I just have to laugh. Or else I�ll slit my fuckign wrists.
So, I got the extension form in the mail last week and filled it out. Buck said that the woman told him to fill it out and send it back. That�s all he told me. Aside from telling me that he told her that the credit union really didn�t want to repo the truck, which I�m sure she didn�t know that already, being in collections and all.
I sent the form back to them. Yesterday, I got a phone call from the woman he spoke to. She acknowledged that she got my form, but my check for $300 something wasn�t there. Uh, check for $300 something? Huh? Surely you jest. Nope, she said she told him about it when she spoke to him, that we at least had to cover the interest.
(YEAH, $300 in fucking interest for a month. My ass got raped on this fucking loan. 10% interest on a brand new vehicle. Fucking stupid. If I could go back in time to when we got this truck, I would have held my ground on no more than a $500/month payment and not signed those papers. But, I�m a fucking retard with no balls in retrospect).
Then she told me that we also forgot to include our letter of hardship, which she said she also told him about. And in a strange coincidence, he also did not mention this little tidbit to me. Shocking.
She said she�d submit it to her manager, but it probably wouldn�t get approved. I told her I don�t have $300 right now. Unless I stop driving and we all stop eating. Then I said we�d see what we could do as far as trying to get together the payment in the next few weeks. And then we bid each other fucking adieu.
I hung up the phone and just started to cry. What the fuck. Another in a long running series of bumbles and fuck ups of my husband. I just was so sick of not having control of my life. Of having to pay for his inattention and carelessness. How it�s just the way he is and it will always be like this, at times better and at times worse, but this will never, ever end. Ever.
And then I had my epiphany. It�s all rambly and everywhere, but it brought me to another place. A resolution. Whatever doubts I�ve had before about this marriage have disappeared. I am done. I cannot do this for the rest of my life. I need to start working on a concrete exit strategy RIGHT FUCKIN NOW.
I need to take control of my life once more. I cannot allow these things to keep happening to me.
I need to go back to the much less expensive way of living once more. I need to live within my means. I need to take care of my kids. I need to get us away from this uncontrollable situation.
My kids. In all reality, as wonderful of a father Buck has been to them, I am the one who watches out for them, no one else. Sure, Scott pays child support for Brendan, but that�s only because he has a steady job and a home. Otherwise, he does nothing for the boy. And John? Fucking ha ha. He�s useless to Corinne and Aidan.
And the past couple of years, yes, Buck has done the majority of supporting them. For that I am grateful. Not that I haven�t been able to help out, but yes I know that he has done most of the contributing financially. However, now I am having to pay a high price for the last year and a half. As much as Buck says he�s going to pay off the debt of the business, conceivably, I could get stuck with everything on my name and most likely will.
That makes me extremely angry. I will take my share of the blame for the end of the business, Buck thinks I blame him for everything but I don�t. I�ll take my responsibility where I have to. I wish I�d been smarter about it. I wish I�d been more proactive. I wish I�d known then what I know now. In which case, this never would have happened.
But, woulda coulda shoulda. What�s done is done, and I need to take responsibility for myself and my kids and the mistakes that have been made and move on with my life.
And it�s not that he�s a bad guy. He�s not. I know, I bitch about him ad nauseum but the truth is, he�s a good guy.
It is that I am a person who likes life a certain way. I like things a certain way. I like to have control over my life. In the six years that I�ve been with Buck, I�ve given so much of that up. I�ve buried myself because it was impossible to be like that and live with him. And now look at my life.
Of course, once he got home last night, he wanted to be all lovey dovey and grab my boobs and stuff. I wasn�t feeling it. He wanted to kiss and snuggle and it�s just gone for me. Fortunately, I fell asleep early.
I don�t know how to tell him. I know that his reaction isn�t going to be good. He won�t like hearing that I�m done. And as I�ve learned, when Buck hears things he doesn�t like, he flips and things get ugly. He�ll insist that I�m making him the bad guy, that he doesn�t want another divorce. He�s set to get us out of this and then go on with our marriage together. We�ll both get jobs and then life will go back to normal. That�s his plan. As always with him, my plans should just mirror his.
I sent out two resumes yesterday. Both for full time positions. There were a few other part time positions in the paper, but I�m not going to waste my time. I�ve got a decent resume put together, and managed to put together a halfway decent sounding cover letter. Which I think I hate that part more than the resume. I�ve really got to get off my ass and find a job, but I can�t settle for what�s readily available, either. Unless it pays a certain amount. That would be nice, a nice, good paying job right off the bat. But, HA.
So, I�m at the point where being a single mom looks better than the alternative, which is stay with my husband. I can do it, I have to. If not, then I�m sure I�ll lose my mind.