You're the right kind of sinner to release my inner fantasy
Okay�who got me the gold membership? �Fess up! Thank you so much for doing so, whoever you are. I decided to kick in the extra $6 for supergold so my comments might even start working again.
Anyway. I finally have some time to myself on this thing. This past weekend was my weekend off, but it was spent surrounded by kids and husband. Now that Minnie and Mickey can read, they hover and read behind me. Most unnerving. And irritating.
I don�t have to work today until 1:00 so I have been planning an actual real-live update for the past few days. It was almost totally ruined by the arrival back home of Hub, who isn�t working due to snow. SNOW. Fucking yippie yee haw and all that shit. When he walked in, I was all �WTF, there goes my peace and quiet for the morning, FUCK�, but he announced he was going upstairs to watch stupid movies and take a nap. Ciao! Enjoy!
I�m trying with him, I really am. I�ve accepted that I�m stuck with him for now. Isn�t that fucking romantic. Marriage, kids, it�s everything I ever dreamed. So, I tolerate, I try to put all my resentment behind me and accept my own blame for the situation I helped create, but it doesn�t always work. I am finding it more and more difficult to make changes in my life where things need to be changed because he keeps pulling me back.
It�s difficult because he truly is the center of his universe and that will never change. He doesn�t listen to anyone else, period. If he doesn�t like what�s being said, he shuts it out (last night I even got told �shut it� when he didn�t like a very simple thing that I was saying. Fine, you want me to shut it? Then I will. And I will continue to even when it�s important to YOU for me not to. Like at his fucking counselor�s appointment that he wants me to attend next week). That is, if the other party is even given the chance to express what they need to. It�s not just with me, it�s with everybody.
When Hub says, �we need to sit down and have a talk�, it really means, �I need to talk AT you�. There will be no allowance for any kind of dissent to what he has to say. (It�s like living with Bush. Only Bush is way smarter. And that�s sad).
And, at times, he�s just plain fucking rude about it. Example?
I believe I�ve mentioned in the past about how I�ve had a few panic attacks. I don�t think they are quite as debilitating as other�s have them, but it�s still upsetting. I worry that they may someday get worse.
Anyway, the other day I had one while I was driving. I managed to keep my composure and drive safely, but my heart rate accelerated and I was visibly in a panicked state. (This was, by the way, because the gas gauge on my van still isn�t working and I began to worry about running out of gas). I made it to the gas station without running out of gas, but I was pretty freaked out by my reaction.
I�m concerned about this, right? Who wouldn�t be? What if next time, it�s worse, and I�m in the middle of traffic? What if next time I�m at work? What if, what if, what if?!?!
A couple little tidbits of backstory. Number one, Hub finally had Hilda over for a visit for the first time since Christmas when she left the house that night. Only for the day, he refuses to have her overnight yet as he doesn�t trust her. On the way here, he said they had a little talk. I asked him if he let her talk or if he just did all the talking. I managed to get him to admit that, yes, he does do all the talking and has a problem listening. I think I managed to get him to admit this only because, well, this made the conversation all about him and that�s the only kind of conversation he likes to have. I asked him to mention it to his counselor so that he could work on it.
Second bit of backstory, I was wearing one of his work sweatshirts on the day I had the panic attack. Trust me, this works into the story.
So, back to the panic attack.
A little while after I got home, Hub and were talking alone. I began to tell him about said panic attack. This is important to me, and it�s kinda freaking me out, and I fell like the only one I can tell is him. I�m not gonna dump this on my kids, since that�s stupid, and I don�t really trust anyone else enough with this information (besides y�all, obviously).
So I�m telling him about my worry about the gas gauge, and I was driving, accelerated heart rate, etc etc etc, and he cuts me right off and looks at the sweatshirt and exclaims, �You�re a Delta girl now!!!�.
The fuck?
I said, �See, here is a prime example of you not listening. That was just rude. I�m telling you something really important to me, which should be of importance to you, and you cut me off about the stupid sweatshirt? I�m done talking to you�.
He says, �I�m sorry. Now, why did you have a panic attack?�.
He heard �panic attack� and that�s all, when I�d said far more about it than that.
I said, �I have to go to the bathroom� and he said, �Tell me about it after you come back�. I said, �I�m not coming back, I�m going outside with the kids�.
He fucking followed me into the bathroom. I was all, �Do you mind?!?� and he was all wanting to know about the attack. I refused to tell him. And because I was so pissed, I threw in this dig, �And besides, I�ve been a Delta girl before� (since Dick worked for Delta when I was with him). He didn�t like that, but oh well.
It�s this kind of shit, and a million other little things, that really make me hate him deep down inside. I�m trying not to, I really am, but another day just gives me another reason to seethe. I try to focus on the positive, like that fact that he has been a decent father figure to my kids and that he has helped to provide me with a decent life, but it doesn�t always work.
On the plus side, my job is going well. I certainly made the right choice. I�m currently in training mode in my new position (�Financial Services Representative�) and will be through next week, after which I will be �thrown to the wolves� and on my own. I�m confident that I can handle it, seeing as at my last job, in the same position, I was thrown to the wolves with far less training. I get along well with everyone at work, especially the manager Maria. It�s a nice place to go to, and they pay me well (the raise was fairly significant and tiered, within another six months I�ll be making more than I have ever made in my life) so I�m more than willing to give them everything I can.
And, of course, there are plenty of cute members to keep the eye happy. I have a favorite or two, like when I first started this diary three + years ago, but that�s another entry for another time.
For now, peace out, yo. =)
Listening to: Pat Benatar. Currently reading: "Sacred Cut" David Hewson Thinking about: Showertime.